This post is about ME, all about ME. I cannot talk to family yet, and have no desire to dump this on my kiddoes when it was commented on Sunday that we are really drama free right now! And it feels so good!
OK--
I have had this lump on the side of my neck for, gosh, weeks, since I first noticed it. Kind thought it was weird, but assumed a pulled and swollen muscle as I do a lot of heavy lifting in my gardening---
Lump doesn't go away, and now I am feeling that it's really tender and sore. A big hug from a g-daughter on Saturday had me reeling in pain. Sunday it was very noticeable--and more painful.
Just got back from my PCP who SAW it and said "Holy Cow, nobody but you has noticed this? It's huge!" He palpated my neck, both sides, and said there isn't ONE, there's at least 3 lumps. The big one is the size of a lime, the other one, the size of a ping pong ball and the little on the size of a BIG marble. He had me feel them and then I could feel that there are 3 of them.
This doc is calm beyond belief, but he had me scheduled for a CT scan for Thurs am or sooner if my ins oks it. Blood tests for infection and he did put me on an antibiotic and said he'd be calling me daily.
Ok--like I said, this guy is SUPER calm. He wasn't today. He actually looked really concerned and that scared me. I said "What's your first take on this?" He paused and said, "You're not stupid and you have kids who are doctors and if I don't give it to you straight you'll be calling them. It looks like cancer. I hope I'm wrong. Let's wait for the CT scan and move from there. It's NOT nothing, so we need to be aggressive. These lymph nodes are ginormous."
So---wow. I realize he wouldn't tell a 'regular' patient this right off the bat, and of course I hope he's wrong--but there are some other symptoms, which I won't go into which is why he said he thought first off, the big C.
I don't wanna have cancer.
I'm not saying anything to anyone b/c if he's wrong, I'll upset the fam for nothing. But I feel like I could come here and spill my guts and ask for prayers and I'll feel them.
So--if you are a praying person, please offer one up for me that I can be strong for whatever this is. If you're a 'good thoughts out in the world' send some for me.
I'll be honest. I'm slightly terrified.
My Dr. seems great, on top of things. He actually showed us the entire CT scan and showed where there were clusters multiple enlarged nodes. This made it very, very real. He scheduled me for a PET scan next Friday---and the person who called to tell me the time and place asked me how I got to the "top of the list?" What???? Well, I guess Dr C made it happen b/c he wants answers.
The needle biopsy was very uncomfortable, as they push hard on the nodes until they can find one that can be pierced 'easily'. They do not numb up the areas, b/c numbing adds fluid and they found the biopsy is handled fine w/o MORE needles. It was kind icky, though. Pathologist said she should have results tomorrow or Fri. May also have an 'open neck' biopsy where they knock you out and remove one or two whole actual nodes.
DH talked the ENTIRE FREAKING TIME. He was super anxious and so he just could not shut up. I think if he asked the doctor one more time that in HIS opinion this was all the result of an infection, I would have slapped him. In the car on the way home he said "I'm positive this is just an infection, seems like a lot of unnecessary tests". All I said was, "Yeah, it would be nice if that's the case."
Ah well-----I need to talk to the Social Worker about how to handle DH. He was just 2nd and 3rd guessing everything, and I was dead silent (as I was kind of terrified).
Also sending positive and bright energy your way and your family’s way...although now I think I will have to add some extra prayers so your DH gets to master the great ‘art of silence’! (Joke!..laugh is a great medicine)
I understand why he is acting like he is though, He wants to believe what he is saying and calm himself and you down..in not such an effective way.
Either way, let’s look at the positive aspects. It is absolutely good news that you are already ‘in action’! starting the journey towards health is wonderful news. I am so very sorry that the biopsy was so uncomfortable. I had a thyroid biopsy recently and while I waited I was talking to a lady that had a biopsy of a neck’s node and she mentioned it was painful, but again MidKid, you are taking control of the situation and that changes everything!! Look at it as the first step (hard one, I know) towards your healing.
When we are facing a situation that we just need to face, we owe it to ourselves to feel a little bit more at peace because instead of only worrying we are doing and moving! Of course it is not easy, it is very scary and extremely hard, Yet try to remind yourself about the greatest truth ever! that our Father is there, watching you, holding you, pushing you, supporting you, guiding you and the doctors, calming you (He is likely still working on calming your husband!), and He will be taking care of your every step of the way all throughout this process.
I pray that becomes a great pillar of comfort during everything uncomfortable, and your light and HOPE through any darkness!
Refuel yourself, rest and recover my friend. Tomorrow will be another day, and you will always be covered by the grace of God’s love and compassion!
An encouraging hug to you!!!
I keep checking back here to see any updates. The biopsy was today....are you doing ok? When do they say you will hear the lab results?
Stay strong...*hugs*
And evidently she has now 'adopted' my illness and made it her own--as in "Poor me! My daughter is dying right in front of my eyes!"
She COULD call me any time she wanted. She never, ever does.
My brother called to chat last night and he said mom was pretty upset. Whatever. I am not going to deny her what she feels, but for a woman who NEVER and I mean NEVER calls or reaches out to me, her 'pain' seems phony.
I had to skype with the 3 families who live 'away' and went in person to the families who live here, and decided to also tell my mother, altho, I don't think it rang with her.
My kids are AMAZING. (4 daughters, one son). The only tears shed were the ones my DIL shed--it really surprised me, she is not emotional by any standard. Son was kind of "gallows humor" which is how he rolls, but I felt the love.
My kids who live here (2 daughters) were the sweet, calm, "what can we do" kind of people. No tears, maybe a moist eye. Sons in Law were loving and also "what can we do?" was the immediate response.
The daughter whose hubby (Dr. Joe) was the one I worried about--but Dr. J had talked to her pretty extensively so she wouldn't fall apart. By the time I was skyping with her, she was also calm and "what can we do?"
Wow---you go along raising your kids and hoping for the best outcome--and I just cannot begin to thank God that I have 5 fabulous kids and equally fabulous in laws. It was truly an awful day---telling the same over and over--but I want their support before biopsy on Wed.
And Dr. Joe was able to 'dumb it down' for me---and that helped tremendously. He is in his last year of fellowship and chasing around the country interviewing for his 'real job' and he said 'you call me any time, any where and I will talk to you.'
Lots of hugs. No telling the g-kids until it's necessary....I just got a lot of love and honestly? That's what's going to carry me through.
I also spoke to my bishop (he'd be what most of you would refer to as a pastor, or reverend)---next Sunday he wants to have a congregation-wide fast for me. I had to lead the singing in church yesterday, and as I stood up there leading, I looked out at the about 300 people who make up our 'family' and I was so overwhelmed with knowing that all these people love me.
Not looking fwd to the biopsies, but ready to move forward ASAP.
A funny note, and this is SO my mother. I told her I had cancer and tried to tell her that it's not a 'bad' one, etc and she ha zero reaction. Then when I leave she said "Well, your daddy will be SO glad to see you again". Seriously? I tell her I have a very treatable cancer and she assumes I am going to be dead in 3 months, and she shows zero emotion.
Ah well---life is funny and I got a laugh out of it.
Hang in there!
My best comforting words are....
Doctors are (well) educated guessers.
(no offense or slight meant to your great SIL!)
That being said, they see a lot and their opinions are worth listening to.
We have such a terror about cancer, and see it as such a definite death sentence. But it isn't!
This will be one more thing that can't get you down. We will add this to your very long and colorful list of stuff you kicked butt on. ; )
Hugs.
Sparkles
He delivered his sons (it was sweet and beautiful) and I remember him saying he'd seen enough "hoo haws" to last a lifetime. And here's a guy who pretty much sees the literal worst looking part of ANYONE.
(Everyday his daughter asked if somebody pooped on him at work)
He's a great guy, but I will take the oncologist's report and probably a 2nd opinion too.
Courage. Strength. Lean on those who love you. When they offer to help, let them! Keep us informed. ((((Hugs))))
The big C news sucks big time.
I am pretty new to the forum, but have loved reading your replies & no bs advice Midkid. I wish you strength & love for this ordeal.
Please keep posting if it helps you.
I send my support from down under.
You are an Inspiration to this Forum, and have been so Supportive of So Many, it is time we all got the chance to be there and to be supportive of you. I have listened and learned a lot from you over the years, and I know that you will grab this thing by the tail and just whip it, you have that take charge sensibilities to beat this, I just know that you do!
I also have 2 members of my family who have beaten Lymphoma and truth be told, the treatment was not that bad for either of them, and both of them are beyond the 10 year mark, and are living life healthily and on their terms, so I know that you can too! Modern medicine has come along way, and I'm glad that you are seeing a Top-Notch Specialist too!
Midkid, please know that you have many friends here on the AC, and I pray that you will lean on us for support and prayers along your journey of beating this thing. We have All come to Love You, and think so highly of you, so please do lean on us, and do share your feelings and worries along the way so that can do all we can all do our best to lift you up and encourage you when you are down. I am here for you and will continue to pray that you have caught this early and that this will be but a blip on your horizon in the near future. HUGS GIRL, YOU GOT THIS! ❤❤❤
So, I checked out the oncologist MY doc got me in to see and he is the chief of surgery, and specializes in head & neck cancers. I'm also related to him--gotta figure that out--it would be a very distant relationship, but if you had pioneer ancestors here you quickly find you're related to almost every family that's been here since the mid-1800's. SIL can check him out more thoroughly than I can, so I asked him to look him up.
Only problem, and it's NOT a problem--guy has the face of a 12 year old. Even considering that I am 62--and all my docs are younger than I am--this guy looks YOUNG! My SIL is bald and has been since he was 22. He looks anywhere from 30-50. My Dh looked him up and said "all our drs look like Doogie Houser!"
DH will go with me to the biopsy on Wed. We should have a preliminary result that very day, they have to know that they got the cancerous tissue. I am sure than many full body scans, etc will be to follow. DH was INSISTENT he come, which for him, is huge.
Day by day, step by step.
I am beyond words grateful for the love I feel. Thank you and I will keep you posted. Just going to have a quiet weekend and talk to the kids on Sunday.
HUGS to all of you wonderful, loving souls!!!
Remember our Father has each of us in the palm of His hand..could there be any better place to be?
I will pray for you and for your family, from my heart, so each of you receive exactly what you will need to get through this.
Let me share this with you. When my mom was diagnosed with cancer nine years ago and I got her results I felt my knees were giving in, 32 lymph nodes out of 32 were contaminated with Cancer. I, as always, tried to protect my mom and I knew reading those results would impact her. So I confess I kept the results and found a place where I could use a computer are recreated the results, saying it was cancer but excluding all aggravating information...because it was that bad.
Even after my mom’s surgery the doctor seemed to believe that I was too confident, and he asked me to step out to look at me in the eyes and tell me: Your mom will not survive much longer, a year will be the max.
I am here, with my mom, nine years later. NINE years later and counting, thank God.
This is just so you see MidKid that it is really true, God has us all in the palm of His hand. Have faith, a calmed faith, a faith that rests on knowing that our Father is truly with you, because He is! Put your life and every step ahead in His hands; abandon yourself to His will and His will will become your peace. Give Him your worries, empty your troubled heart in His heart, He will give your peace in return.
And this is not coming from a religious fanatic of some sort or someone trying to convince you of anything...it is coming from someone that has seen what a change faith makes in our lives and how our faith allows us to receive, really receive God’s love and hope! My life as it is right now sometimes simply exists because there is an strength behind me that I cannot even explain, so please rest assured that you and your family will be fine, yes, will go through very trying times, but will be FINE.
I will be praying for you and yours, and please rest, allow yourself to receive some peace in your heart, and rest.
Remember, God has you and each of us simply in the palm of His hand!
May He bless you greatly!!
I am fully aware God has me in the palm of His hand. I have had too many miracles in my life (mostly with DH!) to not believe that God cares about me.
Believing fully in an afterlife--even that doesn't scare me.
Step by step.
And I DO feel the prayers---just, wow, I can feel the calm. Please keep it up!
Just saw your post tonight. Sorry you are having to deal with all this. Glad you have a top hospital lined up and the support of a strong loving family.
We are all here for you.
DH has stated he will do all he can to be supportive. I have only told my SIL as he will have to be with my daughter when she gets the news. They live in VA and have no family or friends she can turn to. Her DH is a doc and sent me a lot of reading material. He knows TOO much and I know too little. I just need him to help my daughter sort through all the emotions.
Probably will have the 2 couples over on Sunday and will skype in the other 3. They'll know it's not good news, but they will be shocked it's me this time.
I'm pretty calm, really. Got an appt with my therapist, whom I have not seen for sometime. Bought some "loungewear" type gowns b/c I do know I will be laying down a lot and feeling cruddy at least part of the time. ''
No matter how hard my PCP tried to get me in for a biopsy before the weekend, is just couldn't be done. There just isn't anything not 'immediately threatening' so they are having me wait until next Wed. Not thrilled, but I want to go to the one cancer institute here in Utah that is absolutely premier. I can wait an extra day to start out at the place I will be spending a LOT of time.
Thanks again--everyone. It'll be OK. Weird, now I KNOW there's a reason for all the aches and weird pains, they're worse! The mind is amazing!
I’m hoping it’s something infectious because a) it’s sore and tender, and b) you don’t seem anemic or overcome with fatigue/exhaustion.
All the best from me to you.
The pain is only because there is such a large cluster of swollen nodes in one location. Pressing on my esophagus, which explains why I have had trouble swallowing.
The 'gold standard' is the biopsy, I know that.
Sent SIL the scans. His take is the same as the radiologist here--looks very bad, like, a 1st year med student would pick this up.
Still, lymphoma is very treatable and I will be compliant.
Oh bugger, I'd say. Would you not like to go into a sound-proofed room and do a lot of therapeutic cursing? You're certainly entitled.
Will you have someone to see you through the biopsy? A friendly face is a nicer thing to look at than a tray full of instruments.
I shared this on dorkers post recently but I’m going to post it it here too—do not believe anything they tell you until the biopsy results are in!!! My mother smoked for many years and has to get a lung scan every year. A few years ago she had annual her scan and there was a spot on her left lung and the radiologist said it was cancer! Her doctor, bless his heart, did NOT tell her that. He just said there was a spot on her lung and he sent her for a biopsy. The biopsy came back and she did NOT have cancer!!!! She still gets her annual scan and they monitor the spot, it has grown a teeny tiny bit. But there is no cancer! So please, stay positive and accept what the doctor says with caution. Do not freak out. Wait for the biopsy results.
Praying that you will receive the strength you need to tell your family about the cancer.
{{{HUGS}}} and Prayers 🙏