This post is about ME, all about ME. I cannot talk to family yet, and have no desire to dump this on my kiddoes when it was commented on Sunday that we are really drama free right now! And it feels so good!
OK--
I have had this lump on the side of my neck for, gosh, weeks, since I first noticed it. Kind thought it was weird, but assumed a pulled and swollen muscle as I do a lot of heavy lifting in my gardening---
Lump doesn't go away, and now I am feeling that it's really tender and sore. A big hug from a g-daughter on Saturday had me reeling in pain. Sunday it was very noticeable--and more painful.
Just got back from my PCP who SAW it and said "Holy Cow, nobody but you has noticed this? It's huge!" He palpated my neck, both sides, and said there isn't ONE, there's at least 3 lumps. The big one is the size of a lime, the other one, the size of a ping pong ball and the little on the size of a BIG marble. He had me feel them and then I could feel that there are 3 of them.
This doc is calm beyond belief, but he had me scheduled for a CT scan for Thurs am or sooner if my ins oks it. Blood tests for infection and he did put me on an antibiotic and said he'd be calling me daily.
Ok--like I said, this guy is SUPER calm. He wasn't today. He actually looked really concerned and that scared me. I said "What's your first take on this?" He paused and said, "You're not stupid and you have kids who are doctors and if I don't give it to you straight you'll be calling them. It looks like cancer. I hope I'm wrong. Let's wait for the CT scan and move from there. It's NOT nothing, so we need to be aggressive. These lymph nodes are ginormous."
So---wow. I realize he wouldn't tell a 'regular' patient this right off the bat, and of course I hope he's wrong--but there are some other symptoms, which I won't go into which is why he said he thought first off, the big C.
I don't wanna have cancer.
I'm not saying anything to anyone b/c if he's wrong, I'll upset the fam for nothing. But I feel like I could come here and spill my guts and ask for prayers and I'll feel them.
So--if you are a praying person, please offer one up for me that I can be strong for whatever this is. If you're a 'good thoughts out in the world' send some for me.
I'll be honest. I'm slightly terrified.
Meanwhile, I will continue to add you to my prayers.
((((Midkid))))
What ever this is, Mid, you will face it with your customary grace and fortitude. And we'll be here with you.
I have prayed for you and will continue to pray as you go through this health scare.
It's cancer.
I was able to get in for CT scan today (with my dr's intervention) and I had that done 1 hour ago. I was walking in the house and the phone was ringing, my PCP calling that the radiologist called HIM immediately upon seeing my scans.
Trying to not freak---but he said he'd going to get me in for a biopsy tomorrow. Wants me to know my 'options' and what KIND of cancer it is, hopefully before the holiday weekend.
I have never heard my PCP even remotely upset, but he was a touch frantic, and I was crying, b/c you know, sometimes you just know. Not looking forward to needles, treatments, being sick......right now I am just in shock.
Guess that's normal.
Now to tell DH. And I do have to tell the kids. 3 of them live out of state. 2 will head here ASAP, one can't as she can't leave her littles with anyone. She's the one who's going to have the hardest time. She acts tough, but she loves her mama.
OK, dr just called, I will be seen at the Huntsman Center this week (we're in Utah, Huntsman is THE place to be....) wow--my life just did a 180------------
keep up the prayers, please.
((((((Hugs)))))))
You’re right but it’s hard not to worry. We do forget to do something simple like breathing. My therapist noticed it with me one day. I wasn’t breathing, then he said, I would gasp for air. I hadn’t even noticed that I wasn’t breathing. He taught me breathing exercises to do along with meditation.
I have trouble breathing during an asthma attack but this was caused from stress. I had a great therapist that picked up on it.
So yeah, sounds like something we should be taking for granted but good advice that you gave to remind us to breathe. Thanks 😊
I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face.
Initial blood tests--no infection, totally normal blood work.
Good, for a routine check up.
Bad in this instance.
CT scan is scheduled for Fri, not Thurs, but if insurance will OK it, I will have it done sooner. Messaged my doc and told him that. He wants the CT done before the long weekend. So do I!
As I said, I have one friend--who happened to call me last night to see how my doc visit went and I started to cry. So much for keeping it in house. She will be there for me.
My kids are all so busy---and there's nothing to really tell them. 3 live out of state and this would require careful Skyping and honestly? I do not want to lose it in front of them. I need to internalize all this step by step and then when I am calm and know something, I can talk to them.
Poor DH. I told him. He said "It will be an infection, forget about it" and we ate dinner, but I was sad and quiet and so he came out and asked me if I wanted to watch some movie which I knew was really violent---it's HIS way of shutting out the world. He is incapable of just holding me and saying 'this sucks. I'm here for you. I'm sorry. I'll take care of you". He just. Can't. I don't expect it and I won't beg. Thanked him for the thought, but said I just wanted to be quiet for a while. He watched 3 VERY loud movies. So, I know he is stressed, but cannot say it.
So, the CT scan and then likely needle biopsy next week if the scan looks in anyway iffy.
But----until then----any and all good karma sent out into the void for me. You guys are all amazing & wonderful.
THANK YOU--THANK YOU--THANK YOU!
Reading your post brought tears to my eyes.
I am sending you positive and good thoughts. I will be praying for you as well. But do me a favor...think of yourself as healed and whole. "The way a man should think the body will follow."
Yes, I know your a woman!🙏💗
Have you had your tonsils out?
I'm glad you have a doctor who has the sense to understand how important trust is. When do you get the initial blood results back?
If... and only IF... if it’s cancer, I know of two people who have beaten this type and are 100% well and cured now.
Best wishes MK. Just continue on your current course, you can manage.
We’re rooting for a good outcome!
God Bless!
rest and hydrate -
relax ahead of the test Thursday - you can get through this - God will direct your steps
I am here with you in my thoughts.
I am hoping like the others this is just a nasty infection.
I could say “Don’t go there til you have to go there”. I know that’s the wise way to think but for some of us it is impossible.
I am torn about you not telling your adult kids. You really should not be shouldering this alone. I think you should tell someone.
I kept something like this from my adult kids for weeks during testing. I had to travel out of town for the all clear. They found out as I was traveling home with the all clear. The fall out wasn’t pretty. I think I damaged their trust in me for a good while. But it’s a personal choice and I respect that.
My step mother in law has non Hodges lymphoma. It came up suddenly like what has happened with you. It was advanced when found, but I have to let you know it has been over 10 years and with treatment she is well.
I hope that if this is cancer it is treatable.
I am a basket case, but I do 'basket case' very calmly.
ALso, I am kind of medicated and I have the OK to take a double dose of my sleeping pills for the next couple nights.
I will go this alone until I have a definite something to tell my kids. I know I will have their support, and I know how much I am loved by them....I just don't want to put them through anything.
Sadly, over the many years of putting DH and his health issues first, all my 'friends' got tired of my drama and they slipped away. I have no really close friends, except for my daughters.
Going to take that sleeping pill now and head to bed. Been a long, scary day.
This is a weird change of pace. It's always DH we're dealing with. I don't KNOW how to be sick~
Thanks to all of you. Truly, my heart is much calmer now.
Just the other day, I read your account of your gallbladder odyssey + mental wipe-out a couple of decades ago. That story really touched me.
“Just plowing through” is tricky. It serves us well.....until it doesn’t. 😶
Thinking of you during this rough patch. I understand your desire to keep quiet with the family. For now. When it’s time to talk, give yourself permission to have needs.... to be supported.
And yes, we are all aware of the elephant in the (neighboring bed)room. His reputation precedes him! Find your strength wherever you can.
You are a wonderful, giving person. Many in your circle are ready to give back to you. They’re just waiting for the green light. From you 🤗