Long story short I dropped guardianship. I gave up all ability to make choices for my mother. She has been placed it has been almost 4 months.
As many said once I was out the picture they quickly figured it out especially after I dropped her off at Staten Island University Hospital and refused to take her home. She spent nearly a 2 to 3 weeks looking for placement.
I feel horrible she is not exactly happy tbh nor am I and idk why. This is what I wanted or needed but I feel worse not sense of relief or anything. I knew it would be hard but a part of me sees why they said MC was not the right place but I was burned out. Next youngest person is 10 years older than my mom.
She curses me, begs me, cries for me, and all I can do is ignore her because my battery is drained. Part of me wonders if the humane thing would have been to take her life instead of leave her in what amounts to a holding cell of her own making since she refuses to adapt and make the best of this situation.
I know this is sad to watch.
Happiness is an inside job. You can't make anyone happy. Happiness is a temporary state. I think what we are all hoping for is acceptance of a current situation.
We can't change the inevitable. None of us gets out of this alive.
You say “all I think about is her being miserable”. That’s your own choice, not caused by her or the facility. What are you going to do to stop thinking like this? It’s up to you to look after your OWN mental health.
You gave up guardianship of your mother and you're miserable, as you were when you had the responsibility of caring for her. Euthanasia is not an option and mom hasn't chosen to end her own life. So you get to learn how to cope with HER lot in life to the best of YOUR ability now, w/o letting it ruin your life. Either way, you were unhappy, so this way, you're LESS unhappy, think of it like that.
I had a mother in Memory Care Assisted Living with dementia too. I limited my exposure to her because she took out her misery on me. Yet, when I saw her from afar and she didn't know I was there, she was yucking it up with the staff and other residents, playing whatever "baby games" were offered, and doing fine. She'd save all her angst for ME. Consider your mother is doing the same thing. Many do.
Go on about your life and let God take mom when her time here is up. She can choose to be okay or she can choose to be miserable. Let me tell you, in both of my Memory Care experiences, there WERE many residents who chose happiness every day. #Truth
Problem is her unhappiness is causing me to be miserable. She is not yucking it up the next youngest person in her memory care unit is 85 and she is the only person not wheel chair bound.
She is woefully impatient, the staff is not exactly a fan of her because of her being able to walk. She follows the staff trying to be helpful but mostly gets in the way. She tries to help and when they shut her down for very good reason she gets combative.
God is taking too long. Not exactly what lesson he is trying to teach us but at this rate it is a pretty messed up.
Thought it would be able to cope but I was wrong. At least I had moments of happiness when she was at home now all I think about is her being miserable. My therapist suggested I go and see her when she does not know I am present in hopes to see she is okay or content.
Yeah not the case though I have been told some people take a year or more to readjust. Also been told some don't it all varies.
I am sure many do find happiness but isn't it also true many don't?
They often cry, beg, complain , curse .
The only small short lived relief of placing them is that they are safe with a team to take care of them .
Then the constant complaining etc , gets on your nerves after a few months . The only true relief is when they die sadly . Then the suffering ends for both of you .
Dementia stinks .
Limit visits , phone calls etc . Let calls go to voicemail . Go to therapy to help with your feelings .
I am in therapy it helps but at the sametime it does not because my therapist has said like you also mentioned it is hard to get over these feelings while everyone is living the hell.
Her limitations are severe and that's why it came to this.
There is no reason you would NOT feel very sad about this. There is no relief in having her simply off your hands, and to expect that would be unrealistic. She is still suffering. You are still bearing witness to that suffering. However, having her placed in the guardianship of the state is as good as it CAN be (which of course is still none too good).
Please consider seeing a psychologist (none of that online nonsense) or a licensed social worker in private counseling practice. Not everything can be fixed. Not everything has an answer. Your mother will soon enough be at peace, and you, like many, SHOULD feel relief when that happens. For now she is in care, and people will do the best they can for her. Visit her, listen to her, keep visits very short, and move on with life for yourself. You have a right to that.
I hope you will take this found time to restore yourself and then maybe you will find that you have something to give to Mom or to the work of improving elderly care in this country.
The U.S. is in desperate need of entering the 21st century and getting universal healthcare like every other first class, first world country. It is a crying shame how we do not provide good, free healthcare for all citizens. The affordable care act was a first step in the right direction. Let’s hope we can all work to build on that for our parents, ourselves, all people. Vote! Vote for the candidates you trust will work to improve elderly healthcare/universal healthcare.
I voted for the candidate i believe will restore SANITY to our country, that's what I'd like to see. 😊
In no way would taking someone else's life have been a solution. This is a moral issue. Having her get a guardian is not a moral issue, or even an ethical one, it is a practical issue. It's called a "least bad option".
There is not much to be happy about with age-related decline, dementia and facilities. This is where one says, "It is what it is". May you receive refreshment, wisdom and peace in your heart as you allow yourself to heal.