She moved in with me and we've not lived together in 20+ years. It's really hard living with her (I'm sure I'm not that easy either) but I'm a glass half full kind of person and optimistic...she's the opposite. If she has back pain it's can't just be back pain, it must be a tumor. If she her arthritis is bothering her, it must be cancer, if her stomach bothers her it must be an ulcer...you get the idea. It's so hard to remain positive and upbeat about things. Her attitude effects me and I get so frustrated with her I end up snapping at her. I have a demanding job as a consultant so I work from home, so I'm here all the time. How can I find time for decompression from the stress when I feel like I'm tied to her routine...she has to eat at certain times, take meds at certain times etc. Not to mention we just moved into a new house and I'm doing all of the unpacking. I'm unpacking her house and our house. Sorry for rambling on....
First, I realized that my mother was angry at getting older and having to give up her independence. Once I "got it" I was OK and begin to listen more. I always realized that my mother was really not ready to die--just was afraid. So she found comfort in going to the hospital almost every month with a major illness. So I let her have back her independence and a real reason to keep living by moving her out of the house and into her own little place where she could putter around--she still drove as that was something she was not going to give up. But she drove only to the grocery store and MacDonalds, which were a few blocks away. She lived far enough away and yet close enough that she drove over for dinner every night. Her aches and pains were there, but less now that she was able to have some of her dignity back by being independent.
As I have grown older, I do know some of the feelings that she had--She was a tough lady and didn't want to ever give up and that is really not a bad trait. Actually, I am her daughter so I might be the same when I really get to the same point in my life. Take her by the hand, I give her the last chance to feel alive and the chance for the two of you to be friends. Look at this situation as a learning experience for when you go through the stages of aging. You will see and understand so much. One more thought about this situation--learning from our families as they age helps us to learn about our own aging process--look to learn so that you can grow old gracefully. Peace.
I agree that fear is behind much of VictoriaP's mother's behavior. Growing old is hard. Of course, there is always the chance that the mother has leaned in this direction her whole life which could mean that there's a great need for constant attention, as well. Still, at the base of the need for constant attention is - once again - fear.
Taking a deep breath before coping with her, not taking "the bait" and trying to remain compassionate about the losses of aging are all good ways to handle this.
Don't feel guilty, Victoria, for feeling impatient. You are human. Just try to do what you can to cope with a difficult situation. Please keep checking in with us. This community understands what you are going through.
Carol
Anyway, I too work from home. The only way I can function is that I take my mom to an adult day care Mon -Friday that is geared for dementia patients.( Nurses on staff, part of a hospital,activities, bath her, etc.) I also go church and pray for patience and understanding...I talk with a priest and ask for guidance.)
Even though she is gone for 8 hours and day I have her the rest of the time which is very stressful indeed.
Is your mother being treated for the depression? Some people are just naturally pessimistic in their outlook, but I wonder if her meds need tweaking?
I guess it is not a capital offense to snap at Mom once in a while, but leaving the room may keep you calmer. "Mom, it bothers me to keep hearing such negative thoughts all the time. I'm going for a short walk. Let's talk about something different when I get back."
instead try to get yourself educated online about mental illness / dementia. when you can begin to visualize a dying , shrinking brain when you look at the person, only then will you find understanding and genuine compassion -- even peace of mind and patience..
i dealt with extreme bipolar too in addition to dementia and eventual schizo disorder / hallucinations. you can do this and become a h**l of a wiser person by conquering it..
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