How do you learn to keep your "cool" when dealing with an elderly parent?
My father-in-law is living with us since recovering from a heart attack. I am home with him all day. He has dementia and asks many questions over & over, badgers us constantly about his money (he has sufficient funds) and bills (we pay all of them). He also tries to be "helpful" by doing heavy lifting when we're not looking or gets down on the floor to pick something up, which puts him at a fall risk, even though we repeatedly ask him not to do this. I feel like I'm in constant crisis mode because if I don't do something immediately that's bothering him, he will try to "help" me by doing it himself. I cannot get him to bathe more than once a week & he refuses to change his underwear daily even though he has plenty of pairs. My husband is in the process of remodeling his dad's house, so he doesn't get home until later afternoon or evening each day. I also have 2 kids, ages 9 & 6. I snap at everyone & get angry easily. I could really use some advice, tips from others who have been there, done that on how to keep my sanity. Thank you!!!!
When your child vomits on the bed at 3 am and again on the new sheets at 4 am, you hate it and wish it hadn't happened, but you accept it as reality. Your child is sick and too young to be able to get to the bathroom in time. Your FIL's behavior is just reality, and can't be changed.
Do get more help, or place him in AL, and try to get some time off for yourself. It's such a hard job.
Spend the money! Getting Dad to agree will be the hard part. We had to put my husband's mother in AL because of ALZ. We are blessed that she and her husband saved and saved. We are all better off because of their savings. None of us care whether we inherit a dime, even though it looks like there will be leftovers.
you sound like you would like to work this out with dad in your home, but you and your husband must decide together what you will do, but you need to get the walking on eggshells feeling under control, I'm still working on that & it is getting better, but we can only do what we can do. He only wants to help and not feel useless, I'm sure we all do this, I give my husband KP duty and always tell him what a great job he does as a pat on the back never hurts anyone.
I gather he is in his 60's with your mentioning you are in your 40's, so young and so sad for all of you, take care of yourself first then you can cope with the rest of it! stay in touch here, it has helped me more then I ever thought.
We weighed all the options and realized that it will probably be well worth losing the home, bank account and assets to let him have 24/7 care. He needed a team of people prior to the nursing home (he is in the rehab section at this time).
While thinking of what to do for our situation, I remembered what is was like being older than my child now and surrounded by someone who is constantly dying. I added in the factor of someone confused, has violent outbursts and is hard to handle physically and emotionally and I just won't put her through it (she is 8). I have asked so many questions on this forum from people who have been doing this for years and who know the various stages in detail and have learned so much and I just cannot come to the conclusion that it is a healthy enviornment for a young child to be raised in for what could possibly be years.
When all this first started my doctor put me on a small anti-depressant (was also causing my blood pressure to go through the roof). It wasn't anything like valium. What I was on was making me sleepy and zombie-like and I started thinking about how I am missing out on time with my child because of this man (someone who lived their own life on their own terms) and I went off the meds. I figured if I can't enjoy my own child that I might as well send her off to live with someone else in the family while I raise my FIL. Needless to say, that ain't gonna happen. ;)
So we figured that FIL worked out the house and the money in the bank, so let it go to his care. Placing someone in a nursing home or assisted living facility doesn't mean you open the car door, drive past and shove them out. It gets a bad rap. But as people live to older ages and people have children in their 30's and 40's, this is going to happen more. And it has gone past like it was when I was younger to where grandma or grandpa is just sitting in bed or their room recovering from a fall, hip surgery or some other kind of ailment. There are more and more people getting dianosed at a younger age with dementia and with people living longer, ones that are recovering from the heart surgeries, surviving cancer, etc. are now developing Alzheimers.
Seek your own heart, talk to your husband but realize how long this situation could go on with your FIL, think how it will affect you and your husband's health (emotionally and physically), think about what your children will see and what answers you are going to give them when they ask, "why could we never go anywhere or do anything because everything was consumed with grandpa." This is not meant to sound heartless but take it from someone who has been there as a child, it is reality. God bless you and hugs.
I should have said "frustration" there... its not like we have tempers or need anger management classes, lol! So yeah, frustration, and not knowing how to deal with these things...
and valium is nice. ( for the carer ) .
Is your husband remodeling his dad's home to sell it? I ask because it really doesn't seem feasible for him to move back in, given his father's dementia and health needs. You may want to consider assisted living in your area.
I pray you find the help you need. Be true to yourself and recognize your limitations as you are already snapping. If we don't confront our resentment, it comes out sideways. This is never pretty and hurts those around us, let alone ourselves.
May God give you His grace for your journey.