What is a Respite Place? I am taking care of my 90yr old mother,, I have two siblings that live 3 hours from us, I moved my mom in with us a year ago, I don't want to sound like an evil person, and if I do please forgive me,, But my mother was never around for me, left me at an orphanage when I was 3 till I was 6, never had that mother daughter cognition ( She is not one for showing affection) When I was 11 she dropped me off at my brothers,, needless to say I have been on my own since the age of 13.. I believe that my mom is in stage 5 of her deminsha , I have no one to help,, the other two siblings will not come to see her or offer to give me a break, and I am finding myself more and more frustrated for having to take care of this person that was never really apart of my life,, I am the youngest of 3.. My mom was a mean woman to begin with and having deminsha just makes her some what meaner, mainly the looks and when you tell her she needs to do something that use to be an everyday thing,, She has mean looks all the time, she has not become combative yet, All of my kids have grown and are out of the house, and I have really been feeling like this should be my time to be enjoying my life with my husband, but yet I am taking care of another child basically, I have alot of days where I just want to say @*@* it and put her in a home,, but then when I get to thinking that I have this enormous guilt come over me,, I really have no patients at times,, alot here lately, I guess my question is how do you keep your sanity, cause I cant do or go anywhere without her right by my side,,
You have had a wide range of support here. May I suggest that you read all of this thread everyday until you feel ready to act. Keep writing those feelings and experience so you don't feel so alone and can vent...it helps... until you are ready for action...consider it preparation.
Also, please contact the Alzheimers Assoc in your area and see if they can help find an Adult Day Health program for you as a temporary solution (maybe private pay is possible), they also have support groups for you and your Mom, separately and together. There are residential dementia programs as typical assisted living and nursing homes may not be appropriate for your Mom. Just know, everyone who cares for an aging parent feels guilty at some point, because there are "bad days" even in the best of situations. My Mom probably would been considered emotionally and physically abusive, rejecting and neglecting. It has taken a lot of work in therapy and other types of support to land in a place where I believe my Mom was very limited and she did the best she could within her limitations. I learned that since I gave her negative view of the world and her life very little credibility and was a resourceful kid from about age 10, I grew up a healthy and loving mom to my children and a pretty good wife. Sounds like you overcame a less than ideal start in life. Grace
Love and Prayers to you
Elaine
Corinne
Sending prayers and hugs.
Corinne
I am sorry to have ramble on,, have just had alot of emotion built up and not to many people to share with,, besides my hubby,
I thank all of you for listening and the advice :)
You do not sound like an evil person. Not even remotely.
You sound like a confused person, doing things that are not mentally healthy for yourself.
Here is my advice:
1. Place Mother in a care center.
2. Learn to live with the guilt feelings, and to shove them out of your way.
3. Get on with your life.
I suspect that you will benefit from counselling as you take these difficult but sanity-saving steps. When you even think about placing her in a care center you "have this enormous guilt come over me." You don't deserve the guilt. You will survive the guilt. Feeling guilt is not as dangerous as feeling insane.
If you need "official" permission to care for your Mother in a different way, here are the words of a well-respected therapist, researcher, and author: "Taking care of someone who years before was abusive or neglectful of you is beyond what is expected of you. Caring for a family member who was or is physically or psychologically abusive is dangerous. These are justifiable reasons for NOT being a caregiver. Talk with someone about your options. Other people can do the hands-on work. If the patient is financially able, set up a plan for professional care. If not, talk with the county social worker to find out about alternatives. Each case is different, but with most, I encourage some kind of continued management -- often through a social worker -- to make sure that the caregiving team or the nursing home professionals are treating your family member well. This may be the best you can do given your history together." Pauline Boss, in "Loving Someone Who Has Dementia."
You can continue to be an advocate for your mother. You can visit her regularly, phone her, send her cheer-up cards. You are not abandoning her ... but drastically changing the role you have in her care.
How do you keep your sanity while you are a caregiver? There are lots of answers to that. In your circumstances I firmly believe the best answer is to give up the hands-on caregiving role and to see to it that your mother gets good care in a professional care setting.
You deserve to enjoy your empty-nest years with your husband. You deserve to keep your sanity.
You are in a tough spot giving so much to someine who has nothing in return to give. Is your hubby supportive? Does he have any suggestions?
Please keep us up to date on your progress!
You are a hero, even taking your mom into your home given the history.
If you have not had individual therapy or counseling to mke peace w/ your history, you are missing something important. You are having a common/normal reaction, but would benefit from having a weekly time for an hour to focus on your emotional needs. I am so grateful to have had this opportunity during the many years I cared for my mentally ill Mom during her later years.
Contact the National Association of Social Workers in your state and ask for a referral. NASW will help you find the right person, in the right location and at a fee you can afford.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Grace
Grace
I feel for you! Tougher for you because of your past relationship with her. You don't have to be roped into caring for her-see an elder lawyer...are you her POA? Figure out finances/health insurance/long term ins and see if you can place her in assisted living or nursing home. Don't let guilt rule your life. Take charge, do what is right for you and just make sure she is safe and cared for.
Good luck! Hang out here at this site-it can help keep your sanity talking to others in very similar situations! Mame