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My mom is 84 years old and leaving with my 47th year old sister whom is not married. My mom is the recipient of 3 monthly pensions, social security and 2 more foreign. My sister is not able to hold a steady job for too long for her own personal reasons therefore, most of the time she receive either unemployment funds or public assistances. It is fare that she is counting on our mom's money (which is not little) to conduct her life and her own personal spending like purchasing a second hand car which she once had and then sold because unable to financially survive and some time not having enough money to buy food. She is constantly complaining that she is paying a high rent and other things like paying for mom's life insurance and other necessary expenses but, as the other daughter, she never disclose any of this other expenses with me. What really upsets me, is that my mom, unaware of what is really going on and defending her, is not saying anything and never has any money in to her wallet even when I take her to her scheduled doctor's visits, she has no money to make her co-payment. It is very hard and difficult to have a normal financial conversation with my sister therefore, I was thinking of doing so with a legal mediator if there is one available. I have personal health issues my self and this is only making it worst, but I feel that she's going out of control putting herself, my mom, and I in a serious dangerus situation. Please help with any substantiated suggestions

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They don't want to help but love for their hands to be out when the love one passes its sad tho i seen and been in the same situation and i came out on top even tho my family tried to send me throught the ringer,, they the ones got left with nothing..my parents seen the ones that help and didnt help and the ones that didnt help didnt get a dame thing..and that was pretty much all of them except me..i didnt care for the inheritance cause god blesses the child that has it own
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COLOMBINA:

Your sister sounds like a social parasite with a twisted sense of entitlement simply b/c your mother lives with her. To compound the problem, there isn't much you can do to keep track of expenses and Mom defends her.

Your sister -- supposedly the primary caregiver -- has a car and doesn't have a job to speak of, so she has plenty of time to drive Mom to and from appointments.

I'd write a letter to Mom explaining how you feel about her not being able to see she's used, as well as the reasons why you might have to step aside every once in a while. ... I'm sure your Mom is an intelligent woman and is aware of your sister's intentions, so try not to overstress yourself. ... Unless you want to address the matter in court. Good luck my friend.
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I agree with you 100%, Mine did the same thing but in the end we know what we did and to hell with everyone else. It was a hard lesson for me to learn that but I have now. Anyone out there in our shoes, don't feel guilty as you are doing the right things and we have NO guilt. They need to answer to the man above when their lives are over and they are so guilty for not helping they try to make everyone else around them miserable. They are the ones who will be the biggest criers when our moms have passed due to their own guilt.
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Thank you, Anonymous1. It's nice to know (in a way) that I'm not the only sibling faced with such a predator for a sibling. And then this sister tells my mom I'm stealing from her. Christ.
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Dunwoody101. Been there done that. Isn't it a shame that those who do nothing want to be in control and the first one in line for the handout of what is left of the money. Then they get mad at us like we are thiefs if we use some of that money. We give up all of freedom and privacy to take care of our loved ones but they don't see that. They only see $$$$$$$. They will be judged at the end of their lives and if you are like me you will have no regrets at the end of your mom's life because you did all you could. We sleep well at night knowing our parents are being taken care of like no one else could do. I'm in the same boat with you but hang in there. You're doing a great job!
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I take care of my mother 24/7. My sister does absolutely nothing to help out. Yet she is worried that when our mother passes, she will not get her "fair share." I cannot begin to tell you how resentful I am of this "sister" who will not even help me out for one day with our mother, but worries that she will not get her 'fair share' when Mom passes. I moved into my mother's house to take care of her. I have given up so much, and yet this sister circles like a vulture, just looking to take what she believes she should get. I am filled with so much resentment over what I gave up, and how this sibling can be such a vulture.
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kthin3: That is awesome!
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There's an old saying that I've found very appropriate to caregivers: one mom and/or dad can take care of 2,3,4,5, etc., children, but 2,3,4,5 children can't take care of one mom and dad. Sad.
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Colimbina54, can you take your mother and care for her? If you can't then you either have to leave her with sis "as is" and/or get a lawyer. If you pick the latter then be prepared for the outcome because it isn't going to be pretty. From personal experiences, getting lawyers involved in any family situation causes a lot of hard feelings. It can't always be helped, the law is the law and must be followed, still nobody likes having a lawyer dictating what a family should be doing but isn't. One of the saddest things in life is to see what illness in elder parents and/or their death can bring out in even in the most loving of families. Whatever you decide, go into it with eyes wide open, be prepared, and get it in writing. Good luck!
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I think many of us may be projecting our own feelings about our own experiences into this situation. I know it makes me raise up on my haunches a bit to have someone who is NOT a caregiver questioning the caregiver's choices. Despite there being 15 nieces/nephews and who knows how many adult great nieces and nephews, I am the ONLY one who does ANYTHING for my aunt. I also am POA and control her finances ... which are meager. BUT .. I DO take money for gas once a month, because the driving I do on her behalf is considerable and I have limited resources. I have a full time job but my husband is ill and collects only SS. I think many family members are quick to judge, but not quick to help. This may not be the case in this scenario ... this may be an individual who is truly abusing the resources of an elder in her care ... however, non caregivers questioning caregivers just raises the hairs on my neck.
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Of course there are always two stories. But take a walk in my shoes and you will understand: my sister-in-law pawned an enormous amount of jewelry without our knowledge, all in the name of "needing money". That was not her jewelry. Of course it is a job; I live with my elderly 93 year old father and am the sole support who visits our 89 year old mom who is wheelchair bound and in a nursing home because of a botched hip replacement operation. I also work full time at a job that pays me wages I made when I was in my early 20s (I am 56 years old). Because my husband also lives here and care for my dad and mom, and he works full time too, we do not qualify for any sort of food stamps or aid. We rely on Catholic Charities to augment our food, friends who help and there are many, many days when I eat one meal a day. So if I am harsh, sorry. I am "doing" my job as well as many others. No one has the right to take an elder person's money without discussion among family members. NO ONE. It constitutes elder abuse, and it has happened twice in my family.
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I think there is a lot of harsh judgement on here. There is always 2 stories. For the sister that is worried about her mothers money you sound a little harsh towards your sister. You better thank God that you have someone to do this job.
And it is a job. She should get paid. Why aren't you taking care of your mother?
Sounds like you are worried about not getting your fair share???
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I think that there is a little bit of good senses in all of these answers. but, as I thought, if all the facts are not discussed and, for many reasons they have not been, mostly shame and years of enduring this situation that some one even forgets or because her own life is an a distressful situation, there will never be a good and satisfactory way to resolve this dilemma in a peaceful way, we have to get down and dirty with this.
Thank You all
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What your sister is doing can actually consititute for elder abuse. She has absolutely NO RIGHT WHATSOEVER to be taking your mom's money. NONE. That is not her money, it is your mom's. Who is the POA? That person should be the one who handles your mom's money, keeps track of bill payment and what the balances are in the block, as well as being sure the real estate taxes and everything else is paid. Yeah, economic times are hard but your sister has not ONE RIGHT to be taking mom;s money as she has been doing. You need to check this out RIGHT AWAY, and probably get an attorney--Sister Dear will listen to an attorney!
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I have been through all of what you are explaining. My dad lives with me and my family. We have had to use his money at times to get through very difficult periods and not to lose our home. If we would have lost the house, dad would have had no where to go. People don't understand what a great deal of stress people have over financial situations. If your sister is taking care of your mom then she should be entitled to some financial help if it is legitimate. Not to just be taking the money for her use but to actually need it to survive. We work but we needed help desperately and we needed to use dads money. Please talk to your sibling about how you feel instead of assuming. Sometimes if people would just ask they would understand so much more and hard feelings would not present so often. If you feel you cannot do that then I suggest the route I went. Contact your local area on aging and explain that you thing elder fiduciary abuse is taking place with your parent by your sibling. They will assign someone free of charge to investigate where the money is and how it is being spent. If it is determined that your sister is using money that she is not permitted to be using she will have to give it back and they will check all the bank accounts and the money coming in and out of it. A POA must be put into place to handle all the financials and this takes your sister out of the loop and cannot have access to the funds. These things are most difficult for both sides but must be done for your mom's welfare. Sometimes we need to put our emotions asisde and do what needs to be done for our parents. Please don't hesitate to call your local area on aging. Again it is free of charge and will help you get the peace of mind you need for what's best for all involved especially your mom.
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FIRST of all, sit down with all siblings and determine who is the Power of Attorney. That done, you can contact the POA for money. My sister is the POA and believe me, she doesn't give me a penny more than I absolutely need in paying for mom & dad's stuff. ALSO REMEMBER, if you go over any guidelines or agreements you've made with the POA they can turn nasty on you and find an Elder Abuse lawsuit, saying you exploited your parents' money! It happens! I just had it threatened to happen to me by my own blood sister.
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I suggest you find an attorney who specializes in Elder Care. He/she can help iron out your concerns. I do NOT agree that you should take on the care of Mom. Once the attorney is hired, you can learn if she has enough money for a care-giver from a reputable agency (criminal checks! bonded!). Has the doctor recommended taking her to a nursing home. Also, check into hospice for her.
Hugs, Corinne
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i have been on that boat i made alot of mistakes...never again
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I agree with msdiva. I save every single receipt of money that I spend for my aunt. It may be necessary someday if I apply for Medicaid on her behalf because they look back at the last 5 years and WILL ask questions.
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colombina, is there a way you could take your mother to live with you so your sister could get back on her feet?
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Whatever you do get it in writing of every money that goes out and in...
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Try to get Power of Attorney over your Mom's finances. The other thing you could do is ask your sister to provide caregiving help to your mom and pay her for this. Just be sure she is doing a good job. Have an honest conversation with your sister and tell her to GROW UP! Suggest that she apply at a Temp agency so she can start supporting herself.
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I had a social worker at my aunt's daycare tell me the amount that I should take from my aunt each month. I use this money to pay for gas for driving my aunt around but otherwise, I use it to pay her expenses ... although the social worker says that I am entitled to it for my caregiving duties.

Perhaps someone can set up such a situation for your mom and sister. I have a separate account that the check from my aunt goes into ... no one requires that ... but I want to keep the money separate. I don't want compensation for my care, but I don't want it to cost me money either.

Also, I have bills set up on automatic payment, as someone else mentioned. My sister and I share power of attorney. She doesn't question any of my decisions ... because she pretty much doesn't want to have to do it herself!

I don't think that purchasing a used car with your mom's money is abuse of her finances. Your sister clearly needs transportation to assist your mother.

I suggest that you try to care for your mom for awhile. It may give you fresh perspective.
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Your situation seems very stressful.
My mother had alot of trouble remembering what bills, etc she had paid & was very anxious about it..My son (her grandson) set up a system where all her bills
were paid automatically..
I'm thinking maybe your sister is not the best caregiver for your mom..

Good luck,
J
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i had a caseworker snarl at me once about how i should be paying some of the bills at my mothers house.. righttt, while im ducking out to work for 4 hours a day and paying the mortgage on my own home which sits empty.. sometimes seemingly simple things are complicated.. i didnt even reply, thats how little her opinion mattered to me..
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There are too many other questions that would need to be answered to give a complete reply to this, however, the first issue to be addressed would be who has Power of Attorney? Is your mother mentally incompetent, as in does she have dementia, alzheimer's, etc.? Is your sister losing her jobs due to the demands of caring for your mother? How much are you helping to care for her and give your sister some respite? I would also suggest taking mom for a week, when you have vacation time from work or any time that you can and see the day-in, day-out demands of caring for your mom to get a greater understanding of the whole picture and the expenses that may be involved with her care (medications, diapers, etc.). As for the doctor visits and co-pays, have your sister give you a check for the co-pay before you go next time. That should be easy, if it isn't and she says she can't or refuses for some reason, then there probably is something really wrong and needs to be looked into. There are such things as caregiver contracts, that would put into writing any compensation your sister would be given and perhaps limit what she can take for personal use. I would contact your local area on aging and ask them for advice as well.
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