Lifelong close relationship with mom severed.
My moms physical decline started a few years ago. My 2 brothers wanted to put her in a horrid home. I immediately stepped in, emitted her to the hospital to get her tested and put on all the appropriate medications. I found a beautiful AL, decorated her room for a princess, and also added some private care to insure she didn’t fall again. My mom has PLENTY of money btw. During this time period with many falls, rehabs I was by her side daily. My mom decided to make me her POA. What ensued was a complete shit**** from only one brother. The brother who my parents had entrusted to invest their money in rental properties in which he was the mgr and sole signer on each LLC property. I found this out after I became POA. My parents had directed him to add me to each LLC years ago in which he did not. From that point on my brother and I don’t speak.
Fast forward a yr. My mom was doing great, made so many friends at her Al. Hurricane Ian caused her to have to evacuate her Al. She went back to her home for the month it took to clean up the water damage at her Al. During that time my brother was in her ear daily, making her coffee and manipulating her. She decided not to go back to her Al. She continues to use private caregivers daily 9 to 5 at 6k a month. This brother is single never married no kids. He lives close by and now sleeps at her house nightly because I don’t want her alone in case of a fire etc.. I live an hr away and take her back to the Al she lived in weekly for happy hr to visit her friends, and spend Saturdays with her as well.
This brother has continued to manipulate her with neg conversations about me since she’s been back home. He accuses me of stealing from her. I am in charge of her 3 bank accts that show there has been absolutely zero unexplained withdrawals. My brother on the other hand still manages her many LLCs and will not show the statements. Btw I’ve been married to a very wealthy man for yrs who spoils me rotten. I’m the last person who needs to steal from my mom. My mom has told me numerous times that she trusts me and how I am not a greedy person etc.. Well all this has changed and now she’s “not sure.” Even though I send her her bank statements.
My brother has now convinced her to revoke my POA and I’m devastated. It’s just a punch in my gut that after all I did to ensure she stays with us with the best care possible. If I didn’t intervene she would’ve passed by now guaranteed. My brothers have only one thing on their minds. Inheritance preservation. I think she should be able to spend every dime she has in this last stage . FYI both brothers are very comfortable financially too.
In the last 3 weeks my mom has only called me to question my management of her accts in an accusatory manner and literally has hung up on me. She will then send me a text on Fridays asking if I’m going to happy hour with her. I have been ignoring the texts and haven’t seen her for 3 weeks.
I finally called her yesterday and literally heard her groan before she said hello. I called her out with this and she made up some bs excuse. I tried talking to her and resolving this issue but she didn’t want to talk about it and wanted to get off the phone and said she’d call me later. I know she will not call me. We’ve been so close as mother and daughter. My friends have always been envious of our relationship. I have dreams about this and wake up crying. She expects me to continue our relationship like nothings happened and I just can’t. After the hurtful accusatory phone calls and now the reaction I get when I call her. Like I’m bothering her. It’s extremely hurtful. She is still lucid and shows no signs of brain issues. It’s the daily manipulation she’s getting from my brother and he’s her number one now.
I’ve decided to end our relationship. Her betrayal is heart wrenching and I’m devastated. Am I overreacting?
9 Answers
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I called my moms caregiver to ask if she was ok because my mom is sending me short impersonal texts. The caregiver was with my brother and mother in the back seat of his car. My brother is desperately trying to get my mother an ID. Of course to get into her bank accts and revoke my POA. When my brother noticed she was on the phone he ordered her to hand him his phone to check her call log! It was awful. He sounded like a crazed man. I didn’t hear a peep from my mother. Shortly after he told her to leave. She never gave him her phone. She has no vehicle so had to get a bus home. Meanwhile my mother had not had her shower, cannot dress herself and needs help toileting. My brother will not assist with these nor does my mother want him to. I feel he might fire her caregivers and hire new ones which will further cause my mom emotional stress. She’s very attached to them after 2 years.
I immediately called an attorney who is taking my case! Financial and emotional elder abuse. My mom has become a zombie in the last month. I’m having my consultation conference call tomorrow. We are looking to get an emergency stay for any banking and legal activity. I know 100% I have a winnable case with what he has done and what he is now doing. I thought my mom would have to have dementia but she only needs to be elderly to be a victim of abuse.
Please lord help me thru this and help me rescue my poor mother.
I was POA for Mom and my brothers excepted that and allowed me to make the decisions. But I wonder if my one brother had become involved, who Mom would have listen to, me or her son. Women are considered the Caregivers and nurture. Men are the decision makers. Is brother older? My Advantage was I am the oldest.
I would ask a lawyer if there is a way for him to ask to see the LLC paperwork and see how its set up. Your brother may be doing something illegal. When I got the records I would have a CPA look over them for any discrepancies. Not that Mom will believe the findings but you will have peace of mind.
For now you have a right to feel hurt. You will forgive Mom because she is old and easily manipulated. She may not have Dementia but we do decline as we age. I know you don't need the money but you should do everything you can so your brother does not end up with it all. You can always give your share to your other brother. But don't let the greedy one win.
" She is still lucid and shows no signs of brain issues." This is your opinion, not an actual medical diagnosis. Often the first signs of dementia are increased "stubbornness" and seemingly poor judgment/decision making. IMHO if she was given a cognitive test right now, you'd be shocked at how poorly she'd score.
Also, you made a comment in one of your replies that the social instructed your brother to add you to the LLC. Social workers don't have any legal authority to do this. So, I think you're confused about roles.
Lots of siblings become fractured over inheritance issues. And, very poor decisions are made on behalf of the LO when they're driven by money. If your Mom had no proof of her cognitive condition right before she changed the PoA, then your optin now is to pursue guardianship through the courts. But if she's not being neglected/abused and there's no proof of financial fraud by your brother... not sure you'd have a winnable case. This should be brought to an elder law attorney who is experienced in guardianship cases.
Be aware that if the judge sees adult children fighting over control of a parent because of power and money, the judge made decide to assign a neutral, 3rd party guardian. I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart on this journey. Hopefully things will work out in your Mom's best interests.
Also, as OP explained, brother did what SW said: he added her name. SW has no power, but brother listened. The problem is: he only added OP’s name; brother is still the only one with power to sign LLC).
(Ventingisback)
How do you not speak to her with your brother in person collectively to go over everything? Even if your relationship with your brother is strained, I think this is the only means of hashing it out. And since you said you found out that your brother was making fraudulent withdrawals from her account, how are you not addressing that directly with him and your mother in the room? There's so many "elephants in the room" not being addressed - so you should just deal with it head on.
OP did address all that.
But the only person who can file a claim against fraud is mom. And mom doesn’t want to do that against her son.
In addition, OP was POA. Brother tried to get her revoked. Maybe succeeded? In that case, OP can’t do that much to help her mom move to wherever she wants.
(Ventingisback)
Discuss your mother's living arrangements and where is best for her, where she prefers to live and what provides the safest environment....also discuss what's going on with the finances and how does she want things to be set up and what your brother did and how this is all making you feel. It's a family discussion - what do you have to lose at this point? You're already suppressing your feelings - I don't understand why?
But, the mom chose to believe the brothers, despite OP’s efforts to show the truth.
This is why it’s called betrayal. OP was betrayed. By brothers and mom.
My friend was in an identical situation.
OP, I hope you get justice in the future.
(Ventingisback)
I know. I said I don’t know how you can turn things around, but please do. Somehow, don’t let them (your brothers) (but also your betraying mom) get away with this.
Somehow.
My friend also is figuring out how to do it. You deserve what is just.
I had an elder attorney create a trust with my mom's assets equally distributed. I didn’t know about LLC operating agreements at the time. Once I found out I immediately called the elder attorney and asked her about this. She told me an LLC operating agreement overrides the trust! So basically having a trust created was useless.
(((HUG)))
But your mom is also betraying you. And she could help solve all this.
Please take justice into your own hands. Ask a lawyer what to do. No one in your family is going to help you get justice.
He severed ties with all of them. As a result, the sisters are so happy, because (1) they never lifted a finger to help; lived a happy life doing nothing. (2) Now they can just take whatever they want from the father. Mission accomplished.
Isn’t it “interesting” OP, that the accusations against you came AFTER you already did all the hard work for years?
They’re (brother/mom) being terrible to you OP.
You don’t need to announce anything to them. You can sever silently for a while, see how you feel, you can always un-sever.
‘I’m a fighter and don’t usually give up easily but with my mom’s behavior towards me I feel so betrayed. How can she treat me this way after all these years and how she saw me do everything in my power to make sure she would live as long as possible. I found her the best doctors, had her tested for everything possible. I put her on medication management to ensure she doesn’t have another tia. My mom was the worse, as far as her healthcare. She didn’t believe in doctors or meds. I never knew she wasn’t getting annual physicals. I guess I should’ve been more assertive back in the day.