We're trapped in a heartbreaking, recurring nightmare, a nightmare that's a product of mom's imagination: 'Mom's five young children were dropped off at the train station and she forgot to give them the tickets. They tried to find their way home through a dense forest and are lost, and all alone.'
She is frantic and upset, toggling between anger for why she can't call the police and overwhelming crying and sadness over their safety. It's been going on for several weeks now, all day, every day. We've tried every trick we know:
-having Skype calls with all her children to remind her they are grown and safe and sound
-holding her and reassuring her that the children are fine
-distracting her by doing things at home and then doing trips
-lies of love
Our most successful management has been to 'join her reality' and lie, telling her that I saw the kids this morning, that her best friend picked them all up at the station because they were going to an overnight church retreat to go tubing down the river (something we did alot as children). We tell her that she will see the kids in the morning. The next morning... we start again. Her last tests didn't show UTI, etc, but I will try again tomorrow.
I would be so grateful for any advice you all have. Specifically, I'm wondering:
-Do you have tricks we haven't tried?
-Do you have personal experience whereby someone MOVED PAST this over and over delusion and got beyond it? This would give us some hope that an end is possible. The thought of my mother's heartache at losing her five sweet babies is just so damn sad and depressing. Thank you.
Wishing you the best!
Sweetie, I disagree with the "medical model" of dementia... sure there are scientific reasons for it but from another perspective ... these twilight world imaginings (to me) represent the spiritual/emotional transition to the next plane. Without being heavy or weird or religious... what I found was that my mom was working through her unresolved fears/guilt SYMBOLICALLY through these imagined events. Like a dream world where the story is fabricated, but the underlying pain is real.
My mom had enormous guilt for abandoning her parents in her home country when she fled to America at 20yo. She never saw her parents again.
I began to understand this and in a very matter of act way, I responded to her anxiety. I told her that her parents knew she was at the hospital (ALF) and they wanted her to stay there. They were concerned about the COVID and felt it was in everyone's best interest.
I told her she was a good daughter and her parents were happy with her.
She looked at me and said "you talked to them? You did that for me?" I said I did. and she said "You are such a good daughter". It was over until the next time. One great thing about dementia is you can use your rap over and over and they don't get tired of it.
So find the answer she likes best and use it each time. Try to remind her of the solution to the UNDERLYING fear/guilt. Perhaps that's "You were such a great mom" "you took care of so many kids so well" "everyone used to say what a great mom you were" etc
Remember, its not really about the lost kids, it's about her guilt and heightened sense of responsibility that still generates but through a scrambled memory. In some sense her instinctual defense of her brood is totally natural. Your solution to comfort her so creatively that those kids were picked up is perfect. It may need to be said everyday.
Your family sounds tremendous and I imagine your father is comforted by knowing he is surrounded and supported by such folks.
As with any form of dementia this may pass and she may be on to a new source of anxiety. You just kind gotta go with the flow.
By the way does she have any baby dolls? If she is focused on babies this might help her if she has a baby or more within her reach.
With my mom, it seems delusions were less for quite some time once she changed residence to memory care. Unfortunately and as might have been expected, the delusions and paranoia once again started up after about 9 months living at the residence. Very positively, the staff there has been working with my mom's family members, including spouse and me (great communication and honesty from the staff to our family!), medical, psychiatric staff that comes on site, etc., to help my mom deal with the increased paranoia and delusions, etc. So, IMO, the opportunity of living in a supportive community is a huge plus. Not so crazy about seeing my mom decline and have to be on sometimes risky psych meds, but it is not about me (of course).
There was a lady at my mom's memory care home who always carried a stuffed kitty or a doll, and she was occupied all the time with them because "Well, you know, they're such a terrible lot of work," she tell me.
Bless her heart -- she died last Friday of Covid-19.
You could try a visual board to have pictures of the scene she is "seeing" and instead of it being so unpleasant, make it into a pleasant picture. If she is seeing her children lost in a forest, then find a picture of a nice cozy cottage and attach it to the board. Post a handwritten letter from the children stating they found the train tickets and are making their way home.
This anxiety and panic may be driven by a former event which may never leave her memory. Having a board with visuals may distract for awhile. She may even be able to help put it together with you. Then you will have a "tool" to use during the day when she is most upset. Give her the board and talk about it. Let her pick out things that comfort her such as a piece of clothing from the past, baby doll, picture of her with her children from years ago.
Good luck! This is not easy. She may be trying to process a former event and that could take awhile. Enjoy the good times and know you are helping her on her road home.
I knew someone who had similar behavior (her kids were going to get off the bus from school and she needed to be there for them). She would get in a full on panic attack about it multiple times a day. She could be redirected temporarily (your neighbor is meeting them at the bus today, etc) only to descend back into panic hour or even minutes later. She was in terrible pain over it. The staff felt helpless. Her family was adamantly anti-meds. She usually didn’t get anxious when family visited because it was such a disruption from her routine, she would be just sort of confused, but not anxious. Eventually, her family allowed the doc to prescribe. Once the right combo/dose was determined, her quality of life improved. She was able to engage with others, enjoy activities, much happier in general.
It's tough to see a parent so frightened by something we know isn't true. Sometimes I think I'm more upset by it than my mother.
See All Answers