I just admitted my mom in an Alzheimer's unit in a nursing home. My mom is still walking and alot of them are in wheelchairs and not very coherent. The staff said she was doing great and already had made friends. Today was my first visit after her being there only a week. When she saw me she said, I want to go home. She has lived with me for the last 2 years. I was upset because she did not have a bra on and they said it must be in the wash. She is not incontinent and she had a pull up on. She didn't carry on any conversation with me, she just wanted to go. She kept saying she wanted to go see her mom. She was not happy, but seemed mad. I feel like I am responsible for her happiness, but you are the only one who can make you happy. She was getting very hard to handle and not in reality. She fights them to get a shower, but was fighting me at home. Not eating much at nursing home, but would not eat much for me either. She was starting to not want to stay at my house, but wanted to go home. She has only been in a week. It seemed like when she saw me it upset her more. Im wondering if they do adjust or just keep wanting to go home. So very sad and upsetting to see her in this state, but she was only pacing and tearing magazines at my house. One minute she said she was having fun and then the next saying I hate these people. Hard to figure out a demented mind.
It takes time to settle into a change like moving to a nursing home and everyone is very different so no one can give you a timeline.
It sounds as though your mom has dementia of some type. Her wanting to "go home" is probably more about something in the past than the home she just left. Home signifies safety and caring for most people and she may be thinking of her childhood home.
You did the right thing. Keep tabs on her and work with the staff. Expect this to be hard. Some days will be easier than others. Make sure she gets the right medical attention and that she is safe. Hold her hand, talk softly with her and be as gentle as possible even when she is upset. Living in a world of dementia is confusing and frightening so try to remember that she's not acting this way on purpose.
Take care of yourself, too.
Carol
You are not responsible for your mom's happiness. Just as you are not responsible for her sadness. Don't put that kind of pressure on yourself.
This is a period of adjustment not just for your mom but for you as well. Moving is very difficult on our elderly loved ones and if our loved one has dementia that makes it all the more difficult.
You made the right decision for your mom. You recognized that she needed more assistance than you were able to provide. That's a very difficult decision to make but you did it because it was in your mom's best interest. That's what a good daughter does.
I know it's tough right now but your mom will adapt. I'm willing to bet that the staff is going out of their way to get her involved in activities everyday which will help her meet new people. You might get the "I hate it here" speech but the second you're gone, you will probably come to find out, she's fine.
I know these patients say that they want to go home, but as you noticed she was speaking about her mother. I have seen cases where the family moved the patient home - and she continued to say the same thing. Home to them, means getting their life back.
She will probably become more at ease, as time goes on. At least you know that she is safe and isn't going to turn on the stove or wander away.
I agree with the others re giving her time to settle in and also that going home is likely not to your home.+
Take care - transitions are hard.
You have to adjust your own way of thinking- you are entitled to happiness, and if your Mum is unhappy, you aren't to blame for that or for her inner frustrations.Neither is she, but she really needs to be in the care of a place that can deal with it..wherever she will be, she won't feel as though she belongs there- because she doesn't realise that her perception of things is skewed.....
Be glad that she is somewhere safe, and give your self permission to have a life- that is why you are here, after all......God bless, and help you find a quiet place inside yourself.
See All Answers