My abusive mother Lives in a nice AL. They call me monthly because she will not throw away any paper cups. At every meal (3x/day) they bring her milk, juice, water, 2 coffees and 2 teas)
She orders this 3/daily
She gets mad and upset if the do not bring it.
They pile up on the table. She will not throw any of them away or let any staff throw them away. She washed our paper cups and saved them. (100’s of them) and hides the takeout food containers and cups throughout her apt. (In drawers/shower/under bed/in closet) She did this in her precious apt where she lives on her own. She also did it for 3 months at rehab. She would yell at nurses and staff who tried to take them away.
She also hoards newspapers/magazines/books and mainly sugar packets. I found about 1000 yesterday in her apt. (Under mattress/in drawers/under couch cushions)
I want to understand the reason behind all of this behavior so maybe I can help eliminate it. I know it is a disorder. She has been like this for decades. The AL says maybe she needs more care than they can provide. I assume that means NH?
Has anyone here been able to help elderly parents improve their hoarding disorder?
Last week she told me she no longer wants me to clean AT ALL for her--I know this took great courage on her part b/c I would kind of override her and remove tripping hazards and take out her newspapers and trash and she didn't WANT them to be removed. Nor does she want anyone to clean her birdcage, or the bathroom.
Knowing it took a lot of courage to stand up to me, I simply said "Whatever you want mom. When I come to visit, we will sit out here in the common living room. I won't see the apartment that needs cleaning and you don't have to panic thinking I am going to throw out a garbage bag of wet depends."
In an ALF, she would have less say. They are responsible to keep the facility at a certain level of 'clean' for safety sake. Mother doesn't have that worry. Nobody cares if she hoards herself into oblivion. She's anxious, and all her 'stuff' makes her feel 'loved' and 'snug'.
But you say your mother has been like this for decades, and you give two examples of previous homes that she has "restocked."
So:
1. Has she ever asked for and/or received treatment for her mental health or her hoarding?
2. What was the outcome when she moved from rehab, and from her previous apartment, and at those points was forced to part with her collections? Did she get over it? Anyone's blood on the walls?
The reason I ask about 2. is that there are two good reasons why the staff at the current ALF can't just go ahead and take the recycling garbage away: a) your mother's right to her possessions; and b) the risk of provoking abusive behaviour on her part.
I think it's incredibly unlikely that you will penetrate to the root of decades' worth of hoarding, understand its causes, and thus be able to solve the problem "just like that." But there may be ways to negotiate compromise or co-operation.
Has the ALF done a formal risk assessment about all this, by the way?
1. She has never recieved therapy treatment for mental health and hoarding. She is in denial its an issue. She is on Seroquil for Bipolar Disorder.
2. We left all her possessions behind in previous apt. I paid a company to come dispose of it. I only took family photos. We had to catch an early morning flight across country after 5 pm rehab discharge. There was no time to retrieve any possessions. (apt was 3 hrs distance away from rehab) And we drove over an hour to airport from rehab.
Yes, ALF respects her right to possesions in her apt. But, moldy food can cause health issues) This summer when they went in to clean it out she barracaded her door shut with furniture. She was so angry. Fire dept had to called. She has a very bad temper. (Always has) I was deathly afraid of her as a child)
I will inquire about a formal risk assessment.
Thank you!
not threaten to kick her out. You need to enlist help. You can’t deal with this alone. Her mess is NOT your responsibility. Best of luck!
Hoarding is a mental illness and when they get old there really is no solution, other than tossing when they are not looking.
It is very difficult to address hoarding behavior in a person who is otherwise well. Thought your Mom has had, you say, this disorder for some time, it would worsen in any dementia situations, and would be more difficult to deal with.
Have you discussed with the doctor about anti anxiety medication that my lessen the urge to hoard? You are correct that it is a mental condition that she has had and because of the dementia it is going to be more difficult to treat.
Suggest moving her to Memory Care. That would be a more "restrictive" setting and food is served mainly in a dining room not brought to an apartment. That with anti anxiety medication might help.