It is now at the point where my mom needs to come live with us. She needs help managing medications, hygiene , nutrition, etc. We will gladly take her in, though I have a major concern.
She is very, very negative. Pretty much doesn’t like anyone and her new target is my husband. She says he gives her dirty looks when no one is looking and is sarcastic, etc. She has never really cared for him, though she knows he is a wonderful husband and father. The Alzheimer’s has made her feelings worse. She has told off many people in her family already (we have just a handful of people now) and I’m afraid he is next. She and I had a big talk about it, but it’s still an issue. I don’t know if she forgot the conversation or is still just on a mission.
Her sister passed away from dementia a few years ago and almost ruined the marriage between her son and daughter in law. I don’t want that and I can’t handle the stress of constantly defending. My husband has geared himself up for interacting with her and is trying to remind himself that she isn’t in her right mind. When she is low, then it gets very very bad.
I feel sick. I almost wonder if I should just move in with her and care for her in her own home (which is a hoarder home). She always worries that she’s a burden, but the only time she is, is when she’s I cooperative and mean. Other than that, I will gladly help clean and feed her and spend time with her.
I dont want this to be a be a burden for my husband and kids....though they are very kind and would help.
She doesnt want to come here...1) it’s not her home 2) overwhelming to try to find things to pack (though I would help) 3) doesn’t like my husband and 4) can’t handle leaving the house and car rides.
On top of it..she lives with my sister who is quite ill and can no longer care for her. I never imagined this being such a mess.
She has Alz and is mean and uncooperative and negative. She is not going to be any better than she is at this moment, and will get worse.
She will not remember your talks.
You have a husband and kids. As someone who has had parental units with Alz in my home, with my kids, I would not EVER do it again. And these were people I loved deeply, who loved my kids deeply. Who were positive and helpful and kind and happy. Alz changed them into people that I had to protect my kids from.
You feel sick. That is your body telling you this is not a good idea.
There are ways to get placement even if she doesn’t have the resources. It isn’t easy and you will struggle through it, but in the end, you will have a life and memories with your family and your health.
If you move her in or you, what... leave your family? to move in with her, you all lose those things.
And she is no better off because the problem is the disease, not her living situation. You cannot take away the Alz. I know you wish you could. I know it feels like if you can just take care of her, it will be better for her. But it won’t. And you are taking a great risk of hurting your family deeply in the process.
Helping her means making sure she has proper care in a place that can handle her needs. Loving her means visiting, bringing flowers and laughing with her or hugging her when she is sad. It is hard not to confuse the two when a desperate situation is calling for a solution.
But don’t back yourself into a corner you cannot get out of. I know it seems hard now, but you cannot imagine how hard it is to move someone once you have moved them in. I can hear the worry in your post, and I am very sorry you are in this situation.
From my heart to yours, the best thing to do is keep a clear head. Try this... solve the problem as if you were helping a friend decide. Or as if you lived on the moon and could not possibly be in a direct care role.
There is hope in this. But, you will have to let go of guilt and fear of her anger and worry of what “others” may think. (Hint: “others” are usually one or two very vocal people who are a pain in the butt, but no help. Or there are no “others”. We just think someone may think ill of us.) This is not easy, but you can do it.
If she has Alz, I promise you... someone, somewhere is going to think ill of how you handle things, no matter what you do. You need to thicken your skin and soldier on doing what is right... but not just for your mom. Right for your mom means safe and cared for.
But, your first obligation is to your husband and your kids. You are THEIR mom. You need to be with them and raise them and love them. If your attention is given to doing the work of a one-woman nursing facility, those are the things that get dropped. This kind of care requires that the important gets dropped for the urgent every time.
Again, I say this with kindness and empathy. I just am further down the stretch of road you are just beginning to travel down and hope my experience can help you see the forest rather than get mired down in the trees.
You have established the fact that she is not currently happy. “Hoarders” are not happy people. Hoarders with dementia are less happy.
She will not be “happy” at home, nor will she be happy in yours.
Said in the most most gentle way possible, her dementia will not get better, and WILL get worse, and that will exacerbate all of the other symptoms she is exhibiting. Her behavior towards your husband will escalate, and/or she will involve one or more of your children in her paranoid outbursts, and/or she will attempt to disengage you from interactions with him in order to have you more involved in hers........
I thought I was hastening my mother’s demise when I tricked her into a nursing home at the age of 89. She lived there AND TRULY LIVED, for 5 1/2 of the happiest of any of her life following my father’s death.
Find the nicest residence available for her within a 10-15 minute drive of your home, and place her, but BEFORE YOU DO, read what you’ve written here, and answer this question- how many “concerns” do you REALLY have??
This is reassuring. Thank you!!
It sounds as though you haven’t seen a good quality Assisted Living facility. You say “she is not quite there yet”. Are you thinking that being ‘there’ means sitting immobile in an old fashioned nursing home, without recognising anyone? We have had carers here who are quite jealous of AL conditions – nice food, lots of activities, a range of people to talk to, organised excursions etc etc.
Before you and your husband commit yourselves, have a look at ALs close to you. Pick the best two, and take your mother to visit. You may find that you can give her a choice that is better than living with you and your husband, for her as well as for you.
With luck, your sister’s health will also improve without the strains of living with her.
Your mother is one person. There is also your sister (who absolutely needs to be relieved of caregiving), you, your husband and your children. The "wants" of one person should not outweigh the wellbeing of multiple other persons.
Is there really no way you could put her in a facility? What does she expect to happen? Does she realize your sister's health issues?
I just dont know.
I work as a receptionist in a Memory Care Assisted Living community here in town, not where my mother lives. This places charges $8300 A month and is at full capacity. For good reason. Taking a loved one with dementia into your home is not manageable for 95% of us.
Best of luck
Everyone else said all of the important stuff! Best wishes to you whatever you decide.
"...We will gladly take her in, though I have a major concern. She is very, very negative." In my opinion it is difficult if not impossible to maintain healthy relationships once you are living together with someone who is so negative. Trust me when I say my FIL may give your mother a run for her money in the negativity department and I feel sick whenever I have to spend more than a couple of hours with him. I leave feeling depressed and run over by a dump truck's worth of negativity.
Moving her into your home is not the answer and neither is leaving your husband and children to move in with her. Get her important papers in order (living will, will, durable power of attorney), sit down with her finances, figure out what she can afford, enlist a social worker, make a plan to tour senior care communities, pick one, and execute her moving into it. You cannot do this yourself and it's unfair to everyone else to be thrust into caregiving.
Your mother will get worse, not better. If you are already finding her behaviours difficult to soak up, how in the name of heaven are you going to feel when she is in your and your husband's faces twenty four hours a day and you're both short of sleep and sick to the back teeth of cleaning up after her?
Do not move her in, and do not move in with her. You are married, and apparently to a very nice man who is prepared to do his level best to support you, so not one you want to lose *or* *hurt*.
It is not your fault that your mother needs the level of care that she does, and it is not your responsibility to supply that care in person.
There is also your sister to consider, and given your mother's state of health and the complication of her own caregiving role you are going to need professional advice to work out a care plan that looks after both of them. Have you consulted anyone about doing this? - social workers, elder care planners, your mother's and/or sister's health care team?
The hard thing is, she’s in fairly decent health physically...she just can’t seem to manage medicine, nutrition and hygiene...and when the meds and nutrition is out of whack, then she feels awful physically and becomes very depressed. Just don’t know if it’s at the AL level yet.
Everyone here has given you the best advice and if you don’t heed it, you will regret it. They don’t get better, they get worse. Those rose colored glasses need to come off. Think with your head and not your heart. Even with her in a facility it won’t be a cake walk. I hope you choose what’s best for her and best for your husband and marriage. And by the way, she won’t like whatever you choose so get used to that. It’s a sad sad disease.