My mom is 84 with end stage COPD and is getting ready to head back to AL after a hospital stay and 4 weeks of rehab. I’m cautiously optimistic that she will be able to stay but she has declined a lot on the past 6 months.
While she does not live with me, I am her primary/really only support and I’m just worn out as I have 3 children, 23, 13 + 10 and work full time at a demanding stressful job and have a million other things going on.
My FIL is up visiting and we had a long chat about my situation as he cared for my late MIL who suffered dementia and numerous health problems for over 10 years. He told me the best decision he ever made, and one he wished he had made sooner was to just stop pushing and controlling and to just love her. If she didn’t want to get up and walk he didn’t make her - If she wanted to sleep he let her sleep - if she didn't want to do her whole breathing treatment he suggested gently and then backed away.
It made me think a lot - I DO push my mom. I get upset with her when she doesn’t want to finish her nebulizer or do her PT or walk to the bathroom when I think she can and know she has to do that to get back to AL. I guess I think I’m helping her but when I really think about it, I get stressed out that she’s not listening and then she gets upset and defensive and upset with me because she’s tired and it makes for a miserable visit.
I guess I think if I don’t push her I’m not taking good care of her as she has cognitive decline and doesn’t remember or process things she needs to do.
While she is ‘end stage’, on O2 24/7 she says she’s not ready, so I feel like I should push her ... but maybe not? Maybe I’d back off and just focus on her being happy that is better? Does that make sense?
My mother has CHF, Afid, VaD and I let her eat what she wants and sleep as much as she wants because I know it is hard for her to do things. She is not a big woman but her heart can not pump O2 throughout her body which in turn makes her tried easily. However, she has told me that she was done with this life and her last wish is to go to Toledo Zoo so that is where I am taking her on my dad's birthday.
I think this is a very personal decision and only you know what is best for your mom & you.
To answer your question yes it makes perfect sense.
I feel like I'm very often giving my mom suggestions and pushing her to do what she can. I feel like the less you do, the less you can do. At some point, it certainly is time to give in and just let them be comfortable, when the end is near and there is no hope of improvement.
There are few easy choices for caregivers.
There are five questions we need to ask our loved ones to help them sort out what’s important to them to complete their lives.
Tte book is great but you can also google Atul Gawande and learn a lot.
Here is a link to one of his interviews. You’ll want to discover what Dr Gawande has to teach all of us.
https://www.nextavenue.org/atul-gawandes-5-questions-ask-lifes-end/
After she died, a cardiac care nurse referred to people in her condition as "cardiac cripples." That term put it in perspective and I wish I had been more compassionate when she said she was tired.
Hygiene was an issue. She wouldn't let anyone help her take a shower but she would let me wash her hair in the sink. There were times when I would offer to wash it over multiple days and she would continuously refuse. I finally came to the "three strikes and I'm out" mindset. If I offered help three times and was met with "no" each time, then I stopped asking. When she was ready, she would ask me for the help.
Like everything in caregiving, there's isn't one answer to every situation. We are all doing the best we can on any given day.
Best wishes to you.
pushing and encouraging
pushing and supporting
and
Backing off and giving up.
Let her call some of the shots. (If they are not "critical")
Let her decide when it is "time"
Support her.
Reassure her that you will be alright with any decision she makes.
It is difficult to realize that we are all going to die. But it is harder when someone is closer to the end of life. But the feelings we often have are more for ourselves than the person that is near the end of life. Often they have fought a long tough battle and are tired. And all we can think about is how much we are going to miss them, that we are "giving up" if we "let them die". This is selfish on our part.
So all you can do is support. And supporting is not giving up.
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