His mom has MS and is bedridden, and his dad has dementia. We are exploring options of what would work the best. They need 24 hour care, but we are worried that living there (it's a small house) will put too much stress on our marriage. We don't want to set ourselves up for failure. I'm interested in any input. Would it be better to live nearby and hire more care?
Certainly, you should get some couple's counseling to help guide you through this process. Caring for two aging parents in the same home is challenging for anyone. For a newly married couple, this seems to be asking a lot. Please look at all options before deciding how to proceed. Get input from clergy, caregiver supports groups (Alzheimer's Assn.) or other places. Talk it over carefully and make a "plan B" should you choose to live with the parents. Please move carefully. Best wishes to all of you.
Carol
I'm impressed at your fiance and his devotion to his parents at such a young age but he should not risk both of your futures by moving into the house. If he insists on it, I'd evaluate why he really wants to be married...
I say this for two reasons. 1. My cousin saw some issues related to her present husband and his mom while dating. She said nothing then, but his issues have caused problems in their marriage. Now she's riding his case and that is not getting anywhere. Big things are much easier dealt with before the wedding than after. 2. My wife had some issues with her mother that I never addressed until I saw their impact upon her us and our family once children came along. It was like she was not fully present with me nor with the family. To complete the story, I've had my own mother issues to work through as the only child of a single parent mom which was not a good experience as 'mommy's little man' which she called me constantly and treated me such even after she got married again to a man who was nothing more than an escape ticket.
His guilt issue really needs for him to address with I suggest a trained therapist. I might sound picky or like a nay sayer, but from what I've observed of both male and female spouses, it is a marriage saver to explore and deal with. I appreciate how open you have been in sharing with us and how open you have been to the input here plus telling us how you and he are responding to this. Since, you are 30 I assume, that you have been working and living on your own, and standing on your own two feet so to speak. Ok, here's the gutsy questions that I find bubbling up inside of me. Has he lived some where other than in the house with them? For how long and doing what? How old is he and how long has he held his current job? Has he ever been married before or had broken engagements and if so, why? Is this fear of them feeling abandoned when for sure they must realize this is a normal step in life? Is is guilt mixed with fear over having a life on the upswing when theirs is on the downswing which is just part of the human life span thing? Or is this guilt mixed with both fear and a very strong under toe of obligation that it is his job to make as well as keep mom and dad as happy as possible, but if they are happy then it is all his fault? I'm not asking for your answers here. I'm just asking questions for possible consideration.
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