Memory Care; Should I, Shouldn't I? Very torn.

I based the decision to place my Husband or keep him at home based on ONE thing.
SAFETY
If it is not safe for you to care for him at home....
If it is not safe for him for you to care for him at home...
You have no option but to place him.
By safety I mean not just physical safety but mental, emotional, safety.
Placing him in a Memory Care facility is NOT admitting failure, NOT giving up it is accepting that you are human and you need help.

If you can get help to come in at least 4 or 5 days a week, during times when you really need help or a break. That help can also do some light housework. That might be an option that would allow you to keep him home longer.

If he is a Veteran the VA does have programs that can help. If so check with your local Veterans Assistance Commission to determine how much help he would be eligible for

A question for you...
who cares for you if you become injured caring for him? And who cares for him while you are healing?

Yes, you should. We hear this question over and over again. You have your human limitations. Your husband can live many more years. Are you to sacrifice your entire rest of your life to his care, likely ruining you own mental and physical health in that balance? There is no fix it. There is nothing that will not give you grief.But you do have a right to your life. You are not a sacrificial lamb. I am so sorry for the grief and pain this will cause you, but grief is a part of life, and you need to accept you limitations. You health, your life is at risk.

MC is basically just a locked floor/wing of a nursing home. But it seems the only reasonable course unless you find a team of GOOD home health aides specializing in memory care. Is there another agency you can try? Family or friend you could pay?

Even with aides, how well could you focus on work if hubby is home and needs extra attention?

You can't help him if your body makes good on the warnings it's been giving you and you end up in need of care.

If you can find a memory care facility you have confidence in, yes you should.

Time to place him but I would talk to a lawyer well versed in Medicaid. Medicaid allows for splitting of Assets. You become the Community Spouse. You remain in the home and have a car. His split is spent down and then Medicaid is applied for. You receive enough of ur monthly income (SS and pensions) to live on.

You decision can then be based on a MC, which is private pay, or a LTC facility which Medicaid will pay for. If your assets are such that MC only means his split will only last a few months, it may be wiser to place him in LTC going right into Medicaid, He will get into LTC much easier if private paying.

You deserve a life. One person just can't do it all. He now needs more care than you can give him.

Indicators that it is time for fulltime residential care:

1 - You can not get 7-9 hours of sleep every day - in one long sleep.

2 - You need to eat fast and your meals are not really healthy.

3 - You have no time off to take care of your own health needs.

4 - You have no time off during the course of 24 hr day

5 - You have no time off during the week to have fun, talk to family/friends...

6 - You do not have other people (or only a handful) - family, friends, members of faith community, paid help... - to help with caregiving

Only you can make that decision. You may get a lot of suggestions and even advice, but you eventually have to weight all of the responses and decide for yourself.

What are some pros and cons of placement?
Some pros: more energy to concentrate on your business; less stress and anxiety; relief from being primary caregiver; doing more of what you want to do; insuring his safety; knowing he's cared for.

Some cons: worrying about his care; did I choose the right facility; over expecting and not being happy with his care; grieving over your separation; financial concern of the cost; possible regret of placing him; worry that he won't adjust; loneliness.

Visit several facilities and once you place him, trust that the staff is doing a good job in caring for him. Remember, you are still his advocate. Communicate with the staff and express your concerns for his care. Don't second guess your decision. Visit often and reassure him of your love. This is a life changing decision for you both. I speak from experience when I say this may well be the toughest decision you will ever make. I wish you well.

I really found a great deal of difference in touring places that were considered memory care. The ones that were just like a nursing home but with a locked ward were not to my liking. Some of the board and care places were really very nice... like living at home with big yards and felt very comfortable to visit. I finally found one that seemed like the best of both worlds... larger (not "mom and pop" but they only have a few facilities nationwide)... and divided into living units so that the unit they are in has the common dining, sitting, patio and bedrooms. Feels very homey and I actually enjoy being there. I think it matters more to me how I feel going there than anything my dad would notice being there (he doesn't care about decor etc). Also important to see the mix of the patients living there. If most are bedridden and on hospice your husband won't have the company he'd probably like.

It may be better for him than being at home. I know, I know, we all want our loved ones at home as long as possible. But our family's hand was forced when my mother developed shingles, which we couldn't handle at home. We found a specialized memory care facility that was NOT just a locked unit in a nursing home. My mother is very social, and has blossomed in a place with a busy schedule of dementia friendly activities. I think she is actually happier than she was at home.

Memory Care is not 'a locked wing of a nursing home' at all. It's an Assisted Living residence which is entirely different than a nursing home, first of all. My mother lives in a Memory Care AL and has been there since June of 2019, moving over from the regular Assisted Living building where she had her own apartment with microwave & refrigerator. The MC is a large hotel type of room without a fridge or microwave; it's a simpler lifestyle in Memory Care because the residents are suffering from memory issues and don't have the capabilities the residents in regular AL have. The building is normally designed in a square with the activity room in the center and the rooms around that square; that way, there's no way for the residents to get lost, and they can do laps around the perimeter as well. There's an outside area they can access, but they can't get outside of the building to 'escape', for safety reasons.

That said, dementia reaches a point where in home care becomes almost impossible for most spouses. When I worked in a Memory Care AL last year, I interacted with lots of spouses who had no other choice but to place their husband or wife in our AL because their care had reached the point where they could no longer cope with it. They were getting no sleep, no peace, and nobody was thriving. They were pretty much where YOU are at now.

The Memory Care AL offers the resident teams of caregivers who are there to help them 24/7. 3 hot meals a day and 3 snacks. Activities designed specifically for their abilities; movies, games and most of all, interaction with others like them. That's an important thing that most people don't understand! Companionship/friendship with others in the same boat which cannot happen at home. There are parties in the MC for holidays, driven by the activities director, too. Lots of fun things go on. My mother's place they have a mini bus driver that takes them to the mountains for scenic drives a few times a month. And to see Christmas lights in December. Things like that.

If you place your DH, you'll have your life back and HE will his own life, too. You'll go visit whenever you want and can take him out for a meal or for ice cream if he's able. That's what the spouses did at the MC I worked at.

Don't look at this as a 'failure' on your part or some sort of horrible place you're putting him in. Quite the opposite, really. Go tour some MCs and see what you think.

Wishing you the best of luck moving forward