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The best best best of the Fawlty Towers episodes was the one with Joan Sanderson in it, playing the very demanding and very deaf old battle-axe - I think she must have had a whale of a time doing that show.

The only thing is, mind, I no longer consider the character she played to be all that difficult!
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2020
Hahaha 🤣

I bet they had so much fun filming that show!

It is hilarious.
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CM,

Speaking of comics and comedy. I have been watching all of the Faulty Towers reruns!

Just started watching the Are You Being Served? shows too.

I started a 30 day free trial with all of the British comedy shows.

It’s been fun!
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You've reminded me of a comic strip that used to be in the main London evening newspaper: the plain Granny character (as opposed to the glamorous Grandma character) bonded with a burglar she found in her kitchen over the price of instant coffee - the last line of the strip was "the cost of living makes the whole world kin!"

But seriously - yes this is a common theme, and not a new one, I myself think there seem to have been just as many irresponsibly profligate survivors of the Great Depression as there were miserly ones so no real excuses there, and I'm very much afraid there won't be any quick 'n' easy answers.

Can you solemnly note down her specifications - price, delivery, functionality, quality - and then stall her with a cheerful "still looking, dearest MIL!" If you throw in your own bluster about the outrageous prices of Company X and the shocking attitude of Corporation Y she should be convinced that you're putting in the effort.

When it is an item that is a Need and not a Want, and the purchase has to be made no matter what the financial pain, e.g. decent dentistry, I should place those balls firmly in DH's court.
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PoofyGoof Dec 2020
Thanks for your reply! Guess who took her to the dentist this morning?! I got sucked into the first trip earlier this week, but I relegated to DH this morning. He will also be taking her next week for the final visit. ;-)
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Are you working, out of the house, and for pay?   If so, these little ventures decrease the amount of down time for you.    If not, you still have the right to structure your own time.    

Is she computer literate?  If so, I 'd suggest that she learn to shop, compare and, make choices online.  Then you can purchase the products.   If she's not, and if you still get yellow pages phone books, I'd show her how to use them, and suggest she call and do whatever you're doing to locate what she wants.

You could even make up a chart for her to complete for price comparison.   Make a project out of it for her.

I think though that there's more to the issue than money; it's control and having someone carry out wishes for you, kind of like a servant or employee.    Perhaps it's at this level that you have to consider changes, like establishing a certain amount of time, and that's it. No more searching.  

And plan more activities for yourself, even though it's hard to do now.    Do you do any needlework?  Sew, knit, crochet?   Any talents you can apply for charitable activities?    Find something and do it, advising her when she wants a whole day spent for her that you're helping people who are poor and need assistance, and that it gives you pleasure to do so.  

She may or may not get the hint.    Then you may just have to establish time limits on her search and recover ventures.    Regardless of whether or not she likes it, you're not her personal shopper, so you need to be firm about this.   I think that's part of the problem; she knows she can manipulate you, so she does.   I'm not sure that enabling is an appropriate term, but reinforcing might be.   As long as she's in charge, she'll continue to be so until other action is taken.

Be strong, and remember that you're a caregiver for her, not her personal shopper.
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PoofyGoof Dec 2020
I was working outside the home (for decades) but I'm winding down. She isn't computer literate -- at ALL. Both a blessing and a curse. I have several hobbies -- good there. I think the key is setting boundaries and sooner rather than later. I let things go until I snap! Need to set those boundaries calmly, sooner. Thanks for the great ideas and suggestions! I'm not sure she's trying to manipulate; rather, she frets and then she frets some more.
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Even without the depression some people save for a rainy day, which is smart!

Some people are just nutty when it comes to finances.

My husband’s grandmother wouldn’t bat an eye to drop $10,000 on a watch, then ask me to drive her to Burger King for lunch!

She would ask the cashier at Burger King for a senior citizen discount!

My husband and I used to laugh about it.

My secret fantasy is to be a stand up comedian because I have loads of material from hubby’s grandmother!

They are cheap! It’s crazy. Hubby’s grandmother was extremely wealthy, lived in an uptown mansion but would let food expire in her fridge!

I stopped eating at her house when I saw her salad dressings were all expired!

I took her shopping and she bought a bazillion rolls of toilet paper (pre COVID!) but wouldn’t buy new salad dressing!

She was hopeless. I have a friend that no one wants to eat out with.

She is so cheap that she won’t tip the wait staff. The rest of us tip her part.

Some people are horribly cheap! It’s not being frugal or thrifty. It’s CHEAP!

I don’t think there is a cure for it.

I would say not to drive yourself nuts about her habits but to continue to not cater to her unrealistic expectations.

Tell her that we are approaching 2021 and prices have gone up! LOL 😂

My grandmother was very frugal. I adored her. She wasn’t rich like my husband’s grandmother.

My grandmother was so sweet. My husband’s grandmother was an obnoxious person!

Every time I gave my grandma a gift she would tell me to save my money.

I started telling her that I bought her gift on sale.

I paid full price for her gifts but it made her feel better if she thought I haven’t spent a lot.

Can you trick her about the price? Or would she ask for a receipt?

People are odd with money. I suppose her ‘thriftiness’ is better than being a spendthrift!

Some people act as if they are spending Monopoly money!

Some people are hoarders and continue to buy crap. Some gamble money away!

It’s a game to them and they have nothing left for bills!
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AlvaDeer Dec 2020
I think, too, NHWM, that those in her generation didn't LIVE the depression but lived their parent's stories. I sure did, and my Mom had many stories beautifully told. She could not STAND to see the waste of any food throughout her life, and that was how I was raised. It still hurts me to waste any food and I think of her and her stories every time. It takes generations for painful times such as that to fade away.
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"Sunglasses that fit over your regular glasses are available for 19.99 or 29.99. Which would you like?"

"I've reaearched mattresses on Consumer Reports.org. The available models cost between $500 and $1200. Which firmness do you like".

Do not go in search of unicorns. It is a waste of time.
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PoofyGoof Dec 2020
BB, you’re the best! On the sunglasses, there were no sunglasses to fit over her 15 year old glasses. That ship had sailed. I tried to be patient for 40 minutes while the sales person outlined the same three features of the two possible “just okay” solutions, one costing $40 and one costing $50, but I finally snapped and said, “these aren’t going to be family heirlooms. We are getting these. It’s time to go.” I think that’s my problem. I’ll try to be patient until I’m not.
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Well that's a challenge.

How about a little white lie? I'd pretend that I looked into and that X is definitely the best option at this time. Her dentist? Best deal in town.

Don't let her waste your time doing these silly searches.
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Oh, wow, on so many levels I identify. My Mom WAS a child of the depression, and wow, were they savers and did they ever teach my bro and me to be savers. He was a waiter all his life, so no huge pay, but he saved such a good amount, more than he could spend in his 85 year lifetime. And it is these folks you can say "She has enough money to last the rest of her life".
At the end my bro worried about money. He had early Lewy's dementia, and he made me his POA and his Trustee of Trust. But continued to worry. To coupon clip, to hunt the mouthwash on sale. It is hard to change a lifetime of habit and he and I saw this in our parents as well. We came to see "Time to spend DOWN" as a family joke, meaning "I am about to die in a few years and cannot spend all this; time to let the reins go slack".
But that is almost impossible to do. You delighted me with you "sends me out in search of unicorns". I will remember and steal that adage; it is great.
Now, only thing I can think is to say gently and with HUMOR the following "Mom, you now have more money than you can outlive, even if you need memory care. It's time to "spend down". Let some slack in the reins. Don't worry, it won't go all runaway horse. I know this is how you have lived your life and I couldn't be more proud of what you and dad managed to do. It is a rare thing these days. BUT I am not willing to chase unicorns for you. That is to say I am not for hire for that duty. And if you make me do it I am gonna have to get paid by the hours. Paid LOTS! I can't do it. And I can't enable you in doing it."
Just let her know you are proud and love her to all heck, but you can't be hired on for this duty.
Your post made me think of my entire family, and indeed of myself. I sure wish you good luck and I would love an update.
I am afraid this fixation won't go away; I worried that if my brother's descent into dementia became worse he would fixate on money. He died in May and never had to go that dark path. Best wishes out to you and your Mom. Consider writing! You've a way with words.
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PoofyGoof Dec 2020
Thanks AlvaDeer! Believe me, after spending some time on this forum, I do realize how fortunate she is to have enough money. My problem is trivial relative to most. It’s a good problem to have, right?
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