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I am a working full time mom of 3 kids who are very active in multiple travel sports. I live in my car basically. My husband works in multiple ERs so he has crazy hours and sometimes travels for a couple of days at a time. He is one of 9 kids, 2 being out of state. My MIL was not ready for a nursing home but couldn't live alone in a big house anymore after FIL passed a few years back. Family meetings among 9 siblings have come to a decision she would live with us until she is ready for the next step. (She is diabetic, losing her hearing, bad eye sight, she loves sweets and wine and bread and has an appetite of 2 grown men) I agreed to her moving in because we have an in-law suite downstairs. There were discussions that she would pay "rent" of a flat amount per month to save her from $3,500-4,600 a month in costs with assisted living/nursing homes. I was told $1,500 to cover expenses. Well almost 9 months later, not a dime has come to us. One BIL said $500 a month. Others laughed saying they will send their kids over to live with us for that amount. (such an insult). Other BIL says for me to gather expenses before and after to show the increase. I don't have time for that to dig up old bills and why am I the one doing the work to justify taking care of someone else's mom? I am good with her moving out after realizing how much work it really is. She is a lot more dependent than I thought. she makes more of a mess than being helpful. I am the one around her 99% of the time. We pay for everything. She is on our cell bill, she leaves all lights on, is wasteful with so much items like dish soap and paper towels uses 3-4 a day as coasters, eats SOOO much food which she doesn't prepare any meals, sometimes gets picky with her veggies, wants a salad with each meal, wants to be taken out often to eat and doesn't pay, won't eat leftovers despite saving every crumb, wants wine often (and in front of my kids!), sneaks their snacks and hides cookies around the house. I can go on and on about how all of a sudden I have a 4th dependent child on my hands. She interrupts me all day with 100 questions, wakes me up in the middle of the night bc her meter is going off. All these little things are taking a toll on me mentally and it is more annoying and frustrating. She also fights with my youngest over the remote (he is 9). she watches TV all day full blast but can't give it up for a show or two when he gets home before he heads out to practice. She doesn't go to her bed at a decent time, wants to stay up to the very last moment until we go to bed, so we don't have any alone time. So I am getting resentful that I feel like at this point if someone is going to live here and in my face 24/7 eating all my food and racking up the bills, I should be collecting rent from a stranger. I feel like I am being taken advantage of and my husband is too nice tiptoeing around to ask for the money. I want it retro too. I am the one dealing with everything all hours of the day on top of regular stresses of work and 3 kids. Oh and she asks to tag along everywhere when i go to drop them off somewhere, my only alone time with a little CD book to unwind. When we go to parties or away to the beach we always bring her, not one person offers to bring her with their family. (they were quick to help her move out and get stuff they wanted though). one lives 5 minutes down the road and you would think she would be there for dinner once a week/month?! I don't think anyone really understands how much it takes. Or maybe they do and that is why her own kids didn't volunteer. 1) I need to figure out what is reasonable amount and 2) how to ask for it. 3) I think I am ready for her to move on but we are looking at 6-9 month waiting list now. she is a "nice" lady not manipulative or malicious but she pays 4 others IF they take her out yet here we are doing all the work and she won't pay for her own groceries. I want some of my space back. I would love to watch TV alone too.

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Was your mother involved in that prior agreement that she'd pay rent for her apartment in your home?

Who's in charge of her money?
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She was left out of the discussions as well as the in-laws. she has one son as power of attorney and another that just pays her bills which she really doesn't have much- maybe a credit card if she goes out shopping/paying for others' meals. I know the option was presented to her that she can pay $4000+ a month or save money and stay with family. Go to a home when really gets to the point no-one can take care of her. I would have thought it would have been mentioned to her to pay monthly since that was what i was told that we would get a monthly "rent" I can't have any of my family/parents visit me either now since out of state and no place to really sleep. I am really upset about that. we even paid architect fees to expand the house so she can have a bedroom upstairs with us but put on pause because she is not sure what she wants to do.
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Sadly, this is common among families for a variety of reasons.

People usually don’t want to feel like they are insulting their parents by asking them to sign an agreement to pay rent. In reality, a written contract is extremely important to avoid conflicts.

Your mother in law has a sweet deal living in your home. She not only has ‘free rent’ but also has ‘free caregiving.’

I can’t say that I don’t blame you for being resentful.

Even in reasonable circumstances, when a situation goes on for a period of time, these feelings occur and are completely understandable.

Speak to your husband and tell him what you told us. Put the ball in his court. It’s his mom!

I certainly hope that your mother in law doesn’t want your home to become her ‘permanent’ home. She will be fine in a facility. Assisted living facilities are lovely.

Wishing you and your family all the best.
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Bottom line is that nothing is going to magically appear in your bank account, somebody has to cut the cheques.
Have a lawyer draw up a bill and present mom and her POA with that amount as well as a formal lease and care contact going forward.... IMO it was a mistake to leave her ignorant of the promises that were made to you and the reasons for your resentful feelings. If there is any push back it wouldn't hurt to have in hand some well researched paperwork about a few other options for living arrangements (AL or IL or whatever is appropriate).
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Two phone calls. A Place for Mom and then an Elder Law attorney. She will suck the life out of you, your family , your marriage and bank account. And siblings are enabling her leeching off of you...most likely to,preserve their inheritance, sadly. Sounds like her 8 other children have taught her well..or vice versa. Stay firm and take back your life. Her lack of planning for hers shouldnt ruin yours. Sending a hug.
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If your MIL is 84, she should have some type of income. Why isn’t her rent and ordinary living expenses being paid to you out of that? Why not?

Why don’t you drop her off for dinner one night a week, with the sibling who lives 5 minutes down the road? Just send a text saying she will be there, later in the same day at whatever time, without them having a chance to be ‘out’. Why wait for the invitation, or for permission? Tell MIL she will be going, and as she is a ‘nice’ lady she will thank them (which puts them on the spot fairly effectively).

Does MIL know about the original cost arrangements? Does she know that they are not being followed? If she thinks it’s working as originally agreed, it might explain why she doesn’t pay you but subsidises the others.

If you say nothing and do nothing, nothing will change.
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I can understand your frustration. I would not be able to handle having one of my parents (MIL…no way) in my home. I do have my parents living in a guesthouse on my property. The only way it works is that I have POA over their finances and healthcare and they pay a small rent + a small percentage of our utilities + their own groceries for their own kitchen. For figuring out what to charge for rent, we knew they could not afford the going rate for rentals in our area and we wanted to keep them well under their current income (SS and small pension) so that their savings would remain for any potential long-term care they may need. For utilities, our bills are combined so we ask for a % based on square footage. They are happy with the arrangement so far.

We have taken the time each month to provide them with a copy of the utilities and an itemized list of their portion of the expenses. You may find that this will be necessary especially if you are not the one with POA, but it is also good practice so that there is a record of how her assets are being spent.

I’d need to lay down some serious boundaries in this situation. You are under no obligation to take her everywhere you go. Your husband should help you explain this to your MIL.

Please don’t add onto your home for her. It will only entrench her in this arrangement. I’ll never get why we (I am also guilty of this) put up with someone deciding they aren’t ready for more care when their solution is to rely on you for the care they need. In your shoes, I’d go ahead and get her on that waitlist.

I do hope you’ll figure out a solution that works for all of you - not just your MIL who seems to be the only one getting all of her needs met (for free?!).
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I see two issues here. One is a set of issues about living with an elder who, whatever the case is NOW will be getting more and more and more troublesome over time ongoing. You didn't really ask about that in your heading, but about, instead, agreements for sharing costs, and etc. About that I would say this:
See an elder law attorney with your elder AT ONCE, and get the contract in writing. Otherwise it doesn't exist. All of the "he said" and "she said" and "they agreed" in the world means nothing. Start with things set in stone and more importantly, in writing.
Hope you will update us when this is done.
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In my opinion your husband should deal with his family not you. If he wants rent he needs push for it. Your issue should be with a husband that is not supporting your concerns and needs. Good Luck.
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I hope your husband, her son is doing the lion share of the work but sadly sounds like you are. No wonder you're resentful. I was a caregiver for a short time and it was all consuming. Does your husband know how you feel and that you're about to blow your top? This is too much to ask of you. I see you mentioned your husband is too nice. That is going to be a problem unless he is uncomfortable with his mother living with you too.

Is it really the money for you or you just don't want this situation at all? So say you're getting $1,500 a month, then you aren't going to say a peep about all the things you wrote? For me, having the monthly rent would be nice but it wouldn't make up for all the other stuff going on. Think about this so you can be clear with your husband.

If this was just me, I'd have a virtual meeting with the rest of them and tell them she's moving out asap. They can take her or she's going to an assisting living. Your schedules and having three busy children doesn't work to have MIL living there. You have to come to an agreement with your husband. Where is he in all this? I agree with the person above wrote that your husband should be the one who handles this with his family. You keep out of it because the family will turn this into you being a real %*#$%!

Good luck and please update as you can.
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"This plan isn't working for us any longer. Mom will need to move. Her move out date is March 1 or before".
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You agreed to have her move in, but was told what the payment would be - $1500/month.

Your H is gone a lot, and so you are the one who has to deal with MIL.

You are a working mother and has children involved in sports/activities.

This whole situation really steams me. H is too timid to stand up to his sibs? Then you will have to do it.

Here's what I'd do.

1. Tell the sibs you expect payment for the 9 months in arrears and from now on, payment for one month in advance. Perhaps make it for a larger amount, too, if you consider the time you have to spend with her. So she's been with you for 9 months and there are 9 sibs. Was the $1500/month supposed to come from MIL's assets, or were all the sibs supposed to contribute? If it's the former, POA son should pay up immediately. If each sib was supposed to contribute, they would each now owe you for their month.

2. Definitely seek advice from an attorney re a contract. And MIL should pay for that consult/advice.

2. Her POA must put her on the wait list immediately for an AL.

3. Go about your life with as little interaction as possible with you. Do not take her with you all the time because she wants companionship. What does she do during the day when you are at work?

5. From your profile, Mil's issues are "age-related decline, diabetes, hearing loss, incontinence, and vision problems." What "meter" goes off in the middle of the night -- a glucose meter? If she's sneaking cookies, is her diabetes poorly controlled? If you ever have to call 911 and she is hospitalized, refuse to take her back home and simply say you can not take care of her. If your H takes her back home, then simply refuse to do anything at all for her. Incontinence? What do you do for that? I hope you don't wipe her butt or clean up her messes!

There are obviously issues between you and your H, as he's willing to throw YOU under the bus rather than deal with his siblings. Oh, yes, there is counseling, but unless the therapist facilitates a VERY quick resolution to this untenable situation, I am skeptical.

Some may say that I'm advocating for a very abrupt resolution of this mess. That is because the sibs (and your H) have been playing you like a fiddle and taking massive advantage of you. I am angry on your behalf.

Please keep us updated!
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Good Morning,

First of all your mother-in-law is lucky to have you. You should be commended. My siblings all rallied too at the beginning but their so-called "team effort" approach to taking care of Mom petered out after 10 days.

This will get worse if you don't set some boundaries in the early stages.

If there is one thing I noticed on this forum is that when "caregiving" you have to make changes along the way. Things can start out one way and end up another.

Another family meeting needs to be held (including Grandma). Someone has to be in charge. You may not be liked but whose roof is Grandma living under. There are too many people to make decisions while you are doing all of the work.

Mother has Lewy Body Dementia--widowed rather young with 4 kids; stay at home Mom. Absolutely fabulous childhood, father like Jimmy Stewart I kid you not.

But last month I had a "talk" with mother about it's ok to get up and ask for a snack after bedtime but I need an hour (yes, that's it an hour) to sit and veg out since I work evenings' remotely. Mom decides to stay up, sit and talk and watch tv.

We keep tv a minimum but after a long day, I scan the news headlines, Joyce Meyer, etc. Mom stays up and now the next morning, mother sleeps later, I don't turn on the dishwasher and washing machine etc. because I don't want to disturb her. My schedule now gets backed up.

Basically, someone has to run the show. You need a routine, structure which I'm sure you know that. It happened again the other night but I was too tired to say anything. I need that one-hour to unwind. It makes a difference as I am up one-hour earlier too without interruptions to check the online accounts, list of things to do etc.

Basically I told Mom if you want to stay out of a facility, nursing home--these steps need to be followed. The elderly can't always understand because of the lack of empathy with Dementia. I told her I am in charge here and told her even the doctors and neighbors who are nurses and worked in all of the Assisted Livings, Nursing Homes said what fabulous job I am doing.

I love my parents, but I love myself too.

My siblings when asked when they are coming respond, "I don't know". I couldn't get a definite answer so I had a one morning (4) hour a week day respite for mother with an RN on duty. I needed a block of time to get the oil changed, my teeth cleaned, etc. People say, did you do something nice for yourself like a manicure. Are they crazy, there's no time for that. I just need a place so I can get things done with peace of mind knowing that mother is supervised, warm, safe and fed along with exercise and blood pressure checks.

Keep your $$$ separate and apart but speak with an Elder Attorney about possible direct deposit. I'm not sure how that works for caregiving but keep meticulous records in a notebook from a Dollar Store. Keep receipts of all of the utilities, groceries, etc. in an envelope for each month. You need a paper trail.

Because they (siblings) are going to say, oh, how much can Mom eat. Basically you are a cook, chauffeur, caregiving, laundry, cleaning lady, doctor's appointments, dispense medications, etc.

Rents are out of control, it is a landlords market. Remind your husband's siblings of that. Everyone, myself included, wants to remain at home as long as they possibly can.

But with the elderly things progress, seldom do health issues reverse themselves and they are chipper. You are going up again old age and the needs of your loved one will become increasingly more expensive.

You need a team approach. But right now you are flying solo.

Hope this helped.
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Her large home was sold. What happened to that money that should be used for her living expenses?

I would be angry too! There must be a facility that can get her in quickly. What looking has really been done? You are being taken advantage of!
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First, I sympathize with you. Family can suck! You are going to have to have a serious conversation with your husband. Your children will pay the price otherwise. Then, you and your husband can present your plan to his family.

I'd seriously doubt if you could find an assisted living facility for less than $5,000 per month. It's probably more like $7-8,000. Skilled facilities are considerably more. Call A Place for Mom and get estimates for a few facilities in the area. Then you'll have a better idea what the actual price will be.

Hold your ground and good luck!
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Tell your husband to talk with his mother. Your MIL is not saving a damn dime for her care if it's creating a burden for everyone.

I see one solution for your MIL: Get her placed into a facility that's Medicaid-approved.

Forget any inheritance. It's only Money, Honey, not love. Your MIL's money all goes toward her care in a facility.
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gladimhere Jan 2023
And if saving her money for inheritance, do not give it away to anyone! MIL will then be subject to Medicaid penalties.
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It is time for a family meeting of all the siblings. The ones that live out of state can join via zoom if they can't make the trip. Give them the list of problems and what you expect of them, including being paid the $1500 per month for the past 9 months and perhaps also hiring Home Health Care or other assistance as you might want in addition to the rent being paid. The $1500 is for room & board, not the added services that need to be bought.

Ideally hubby should call the meeting, but if he won't do it yourself or the burden will be entirely yours forever.

Good luck.
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Don't expect any financial contributions from siblings. For them, the "problem" is solved by making MIL your responsibility. Moving her in is obviously a much worse idea than you hoped it would be and your MIL's dependency and disruption to your family's lives will only increase.

She may not need a Nursing Home, but she is a terrible "housemate" for you and needs to be in AL or some sort of senior living facility. Get her on one of those waiting lists now and look forward to the day you can move her out of your house.
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OK, so now that you’ve vented all that out it’s time to look at reality. You are burned out, that’s for sure, and no one can’t blame you. You have three children and your husband is away a lot … so you’re a typical busy overworked mom. You’ve added this person to the mix and the other people were all too happy to let you guys do it. I know… I was the one that stepped up too, despite having to move 3000 miles to take care of my parents when one of my two sisters lived five minutes away, There is always one that steps up and the rest slink away. The others are all too happy with the arrangement because now they have her taken care of and they think you make plenty of money so you don’t need the rent. As to 1500 a month that does sound a little steep to me.. I think 1000 would be more reasonable to cover expenses... but that’s just me. They can never pay you for your care which would be way more than that, nor for your aggravation. So you have to make a decision. I see that you stated that she’s not your family, but she is. She became your family when you married your husband . My husband was very generous in coming to take care of my sick, elderly parents, one of them a narcissist, when they weren’t his family either. There’s an awful lot of give and take in a marriage. But if you cannot deal with it then it’s time to put your foot down now because it’s not going to get better . MIL is more than happy to live for free in a house where things are going on and she has free reign. You need to have a serious conversation with your husband because I don’t think this is really about the money, it’s more about invasion into your already busy life … your time and aggravation. Since there are so many other siblings, how about rotating her whether they like it or not? The relationship between your husband and his mother is still just that, one of mother/son, and it’s hard for him to understand that now he’s the one in charge and not her. She needs to understand that too because clearly she doesn’t. There’s a whole lot of dynamics going on there, but the truth is you are too busy working and raising children to be doing this long-term. The other siblings need to take their turn too. Another possibility is to bring in a caregiver and make siblings pay for her or him. In any case she does, when she’s in your house, need to know the ground rules and abide by them. She is not living alone and in charge anymore. She does not get to control the remote or stay up and infringe on your alone time with your husband. Someone really needs to talk to her about this. That’s just my humble opinion and I hope you figure it out because I know all about burn out and it’s horrible to live like that. God was the source of my strength to deal with it. I’ll forever grateful to my husband too for dealing with the whole process.
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CTTN55 Jan 2023
"As to 1500 a month that does sound a little steep to me.. I think 1000 would be more reasonable to cover expenses... but that’s just me. They can never pay you for your care which would be way more than that, nor for your aggravation. So you have to make a decision. I see that you stated that she’s not your family, but she is. She became your family when you married your husband ."

Cost of living is different in different parts of the country. It is not true that "they can never pay you for your care." Why on earth NOT? Also, MIL is NOT the OPS blood relative. Your saying that in-laws require equal consideration as one's blood relatives is only feeding into the false narrative that DILs must be the caregiving slaves for MILs. It's already bad enough that Ds are expected to be the caregivers, but it's a step too far to expect DILS to be the caregivers!

There is nothing wrong with blood relatives getting paid to be caregivers, and there is nothing wrong with in-laws being paid to do the same. In fact, it should happen MUCH more often.
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”I don't think anyone really understands how much it takes. Or maybe they do and that is why her own kids didn't volunteer.”

It’s the second reason. They KNOW how much work it is and are perfectly happy to let you do it as long as you will. They are getting free room and board and personal care for their mother and that isn’t going to change until you change it. It’s time for a family meeting where you put your foot down and say the free ride is over. They cough up the money as they said they would, and I would go a step further and demand they each give one day or evening a week to take her out to give you a break, or you will personally pack her bags and drop her off at one of their homes.

It’s time to get tough. This situation won’t change unless you change it.
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A quick review of the other replies backs me up here: you have been, pardon the expression, suckered. Because you handle (juggle?) your family responsibilities so well the rest of the family Knows You Will Step Up. As Ann Landers/Abby used to say 'no one takes advantage of you without your permission', not to blame you but agreements with your husband's siblings were not kept. It's almost too bad you and your husband did not get the siblings' agreements In Writing for you to point to now, as 'breach of contract.' Your MIL has indeed become another 'dependent'...put an end to it now before she declines and her needs completely consume you and your own life. If and when you upset this 'apple cart' there may of course be family uproar, but so be it; everyone must contribute to a solution. You are being used; you know it, the others know it, so subtract yourself from this 'game.' Your husband must step in and deal with his siblings to find the best outcome for everyone involved. Being 'busy'/hardworking is beside the point: the situation is out of control. What to say to the others? "This is not working anymore; we must make a new plan." Repeat as necessary. Do not martyr yourself. Calmly state "This is not working anymore; we must make a new plan" and let things 'fall apart' to get that plan started. MIL's children know how much retirement homes cost; they're just happy to let you sacrifice your wellbeing to save that money; consult an elder attorney or social worker if needed for guidance out of this debacle.
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By month two you should have said something. You need a big family meeting and point out you have not received a dime of the promised money. If anyone criticizes you for that tell them you will be more than happy to pack her up and move her to their place over the next weekend. Just because you have an in law suite does not mean they are entitled to give it to your MIL.

Second tell them that this was way more work that you expected and a Plan B must be in the works. You will do this for 6 more months but then she needs to move. Someone else's house or assisted living, their choice.
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Why is MIL eating & watching TV in your house? You said there is a MIL apartment downstairs. She should be living there.
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babsjvd Jan 2023
That was my question..
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She was to live in an apartment separate from your house or downstairs from your family? That doesn't seem to have happened. First step is to collect the rent you want from the POA sibling. Next step is to make it clear that she lives in her space, not yours. Third, you hire from her money a home caregiver to come in at least 3 days a week to clean her apartment, shop, cook, be a companion, whatever she needs. Let her and the entire family know that you are overwhelmed with this responsibility. You don't like her in your space for reasons you've expressed here. She is terrible at self care and you don't have time to care for her. It's your space. You have a right to make demands. As long as you let her live there free of cost and to hang out with you, she will think that is what you are happy with. If the home caregiver ends up costing as much as assisted living would cost, then she may as well move to a facility. She might actually be happier there.
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Your obligations are to your own children and your own family. Time for MIL to find ALF now. When her funds are used up and her assets gone you can assist her in seeking medicaid and whatever housing that will provide to her. It is clear now that the siblings do not intend to contribute, so it is a waste of your mental resources to continue to pursue that. Reality can truly be harsh and it is in this case, but it IS reality. I wish you the best.
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Find an attorney and make sure you can pay them with HER credit card. You're in deep doo-doo here.
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Learn the word “NO” say it loud and frequently 😃.
Ive been a people pleaser all my life and was constantly being used by family and friends. I have since learned to say no flat out with no excuses or reasons….just no.
It’s difficult, but my life has been much more peaceful since. I had a brilliant therapist 👍😉
You are a wonderful, kind person. Be good to yourself first because you so deserve it 🤗🤗🤗
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If AL at over $3500 was an option, then she can easily afford to pay $1500 rent. It was an agreed to price, not 'depending' on the bills you pay at your house. You can bet the vultures will come picking for their share of the leftover bank account should she pass tomorrow.

If you don't have a written contract for the rent, you best start with that. Get an atty to draw it up so there's no loopholes. If you even have texts that establish the original amount of rent, that might help to draw out the rent not paid yet. The longer you let that go, the less likely you are to get it.

If you get the rent, sounds like she would still have excess of at least $2K per month. If she needs some additional help, toss that towards some in-home help for her (as needs grow).

If all the kids got together to create this living arrangement, they should be able to come together for an update. Mom needs visitors so she can have a life that is a little separated from you in regard to socializing. Mom likes to get out and they need to step up and do some of the taking her places. She's a great lady, but you need a little space with their help. And if mom is all together mentally, it's time to just let her know that the price of everything has gone up - collect her check at the first of each month. As for her phone, why not just move it into her name so she is paying her own phone bill? Could come right out of her checking acct each month.

First thing, however, is hubby needs to be on board with sibling communication and collecting the rent from mom. If he won't back you, then you won't make this any better.
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"This arrangement is not working out. Mom will need to move out by March 1st."
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She needs AL. You say she is more work than you thought. If agreement was made for $1500 then either pay up or eviction. Threaten with Sheriff but you need to follow through. I did and my brother left. He never spoke to me again but money usually separates people even with an agreement. All I wanted was his fair share and thats what you want.
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