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We have my long-widowed, 90 yrs Mother in Law on an extended holiday with us to give my husband's brother a break. I love her, and have always got on well with her, and although we live in different country have always had her for month long holidays and gone to stay with her every second month or so for a week at a time.
I am 66 and my husband is 67 and we also care full time for my 89 year old father who lives next door, since Mum went into a local nursing home. Dad is relatively still fit and active, but I do all the shopping with him and cook his meals, and he usually stays for the evening with us watching Netflix etc.
My MIL is now almost blind and wears 2 hearing aids. She is frail and can no longer read, sew, knit etc., or follow her favourite TV programmes.
We sit with her for every meal and tea breaks, and often sit watching TV during the day to keep her company. Every evening we all sit watching TV but she gets bored in between and constantly asks where me or my husband (or daughter who lives nearby) is. If we discuss the TV programme, she says she can't see or hear it, and looks fed up if chat about it.
She wants us to sit down all day chatting to her, and if we go to the bathroom or to ring someone, she comes looking for us if we are away longer than expected.. She comments if we look at our phones or if I go into the next room to my computer (I'm an author! Have taken a year out from writing as I have too many family commitments).
She is always disappointed if we are doing something else, or working in the garden etc. I have given her little safe jobs like washing cups etc., and wiping down worktops, brushing the floor, and simple ironing, but she often comes looking for us to check she is doing it right.
My husband takes her for a walk to the church every day. We also take her out shopping for groceries, but she finds walking around the shops makes her breathless, so sometimes she sits in the car.
We have friends visit or take her with us to their houses, but if we have a conversation she can't join in on due to her hearing or perhaps about colleagues at work, she makes it very obvious that she feels left out. She either sighs loudly or stares ahead, looking crestfallen. All our friends have noticed it. She also comments that our daughter doesn't come often enough or stay long enough, even though she is in full time work and has two little children. She also gets irritated if the focus is on the children, and she doesn't feel included. It's fine if they sit and talk to her.
If me or my husband are out or drop down to my daughter's at night, she will tell whoever is with her that she won't go to bed until she's said goodnight to us. She also wants us to go to bed the same time as her.
Background info: She lived on her own for the last 20 years with no company in the evenings, and was relatively happy with television and phone calls. Last Xmas she took ill, and moved in with my younger brother-in-law and his wife, but they are drained and now thinking she needs full time nursing care.
There are times she will say she is only in the way if I am doing emails etc., which makes me feel guilty.
She eats very little, and I try to think of things she likes plus buying her favourite cakes, sweets etc, but she either doesn't comment on things or gives a muted comment/thanks, which leaves you thinking you never get it right.
Her memory is also starting to go, but I don't think it's dementia causing this, as she has always liked people giving her their full attention, and resented me going out with friends for lunch etc.
Has anyone else experience of this with elderly relatives?
Any ideas that might help or activities that could occupy her?

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She is displaying a very common dementia behavior called Shadowing.

You are not obligated to be her constant entertainment. She probably has memory loss and this is why she can't be occupied by any one thing for very long, as well as her vision and hearing loss, which is working against any benefits of social interaction.

Does she have the option for adult day care? Or can a companion aid be hired for part or all of her days? You will find yourselves orbiting around her more and more since she will become less and less able to be occupied with any activity for long. I have a 99-yr old aunt with mod/adv dementia and we have her fold a large stack of kitchen towels. This keeps her busy for about 15 minutes or so, and due to her memory loss we give her this task more than once a day. It helps her to burn mental and physical energy so she sleeps very well at night without medication, as well as her afternoon nap. I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your hearts as you work to provide care that works for everyone.
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NYDaughterInLaw Oct 2021
I agree that her behaviors strongly suggest shadowing and dementia.
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Try putting on talking books..something simple..Or a tv on in the background. Your job is to keep her safe, comfortable and offer good food. It is not our job to keep them happy {a lesson my counselor taught me}. My mom wanted non stop chatting while living with my brother. This drove my brother crazy..In time she went to an assisted living {some dementia issues}..Her big complaint now is a lady who needs non stop attention and chatting!! Go figure…Good Luck..you are dong a great job..
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This lady needs to be in a congregate setting where there are more people to talk to.

Can she budget for an Assisted Living facility?
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Guess your younger brother in law and his wife are about right, hm? How long is MIL staying??!

Meanwhile be truthful with your MIL, which is not as harsh as it sounds. She *doesn't* want to be in the way. She doesn't want to put anybody out. Take her word for it. If she rabbits on when you have something else to do, kiss her and ask her to tell you all about it later - then go right ahead and ignore her. If she seems uncomfortable in company it's a pity, but it's not a problem. You are correctly including her, anything else would be patronising at best, and it's for her to adapt herself if she wants to enjoy it.

In short, carry on as normal and be confident that you're doing the right thing - including MIL in real family life as it is lived. Be cheerful and affectionate to her, but don't tread on eggshells and don't worry overmuch about whether she's loving every minute.
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My mom enjoyed audio books.
It's possible that she can only really follow the one on one conversations with her and she's missing a lot of the general chit chat, the double whammy of hearing and vision loss means she's missing the visual cues we all subconsciously use to help us hear better.
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I agree with your younger brother-in-law and his wife that it's time for full time nursing care. Her needs are only going to increase. She is showing signs of dementia, which will only get worse. Support your BIL and his wife.
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Check out books on tape. She can follow the stories and it might give her something to talk about. My aunt is blind and has a subscription to a service to get new books on tape weekly.
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Do you have in your area an elderly day care that this lady could go to. The charge is not too bad and it offers relatives a break and programs that give the person with dementia something to focus their mind on plus others around to talk with. Good luck, sure is a challenge!
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Your MIL is unhappy in your home, no fault of yours but “happy” is likely over for her. She’s seeing her confidence and abilities slipping away and likely looking for ways not to face it. It would be doing all of you a favor for her to move to assisted living where there are planned activities geared to her age and ability, others her age to befriend, and visits from her family
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sparkielyle Oct 2021
Agreed if you have funds. And the sooner you get her in so she can adjust before dementia (if that is a diagnosis) gets worse the better. Alternatives area already given like Senior Care day opportunities. Likely she will resist though if one of ya’ll don’t accompany her. Strategies to get her going to day care type facilities would be once you get there, make an excuse that an emergency came up and you need to leave but will be back.

NC has programs for training people who are vision impaired to adapt better to their surroundings. I suspect though she may not be very motivated to learn - a thought though.

Greaton777 has great ideas.

You sound like your hands are already very full caretaking. Care for yourself so you don’t burn out.
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Wow! You've got a lot on your plate. All the best to you and the whole family. You need breaks! You've got to take care of yourself and your husband and children first. Is your mother able to afford an aide to be with her when you have to do other things, and will she accept this? Get connected with a local social worker and senior groups who can advise what her (and your) options are. I am guessing that you think she will not be happy moving to a senior residence. But it might be worth having the conversation, being honest about telling her that you and your husband are having difficulty doing all that is needed to take care of her. This might also be a way to get her to accept an aide. There are also adult day care centers and some of them send a bus to pick up the clients, if she would accept this.
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