My MIL has an apartment in a retirement/assisted living facility. She is 92 years old, widowed a year ago. She has a studio apartment and they "show" her apartment to potential residents looking to move into the community. My husband visited her earlier this week and told me yesterday that management showed her apartment to a man who later called her and took her and another female resident out to lunch. My husband asked NO other questions about the man or the situation and has shown NO concern for what happened. My MIL is always falling for scams. We suspect she may have lost thousands of dollars on scams over the past years. She truly believes she will win the Publisher's Clearing House contest. My 67 year old husband is being evaluated for dementia. In June his neuro tested him and said he was "borderline" for dementia. MRI was unremarkable. He has to see the neuro every 6 months. We go again in December. We have been married 5 1/2 years. I cannot/will not take care of both him and his mother (who is a narcissist). My husband is already high maintenance. I am 59 years old. My husband's only sibling, a brother, died suddenly 5 years ago. He is solely responsible for his mother but, if he gets a diagnosis of dementia in December, I will not allow him to continue to be his Mom's POA and guardian. And I refuse to do it.
My husband does not at all understand that he should be finding out more about this man and what is going on. Would any of you be concerned with this situation with my MIL? Am I just worried about something that I should not be worried about? It just seems strange to me. My husband has 2 grown kids who live in the area but I will not talk with them about their Dad's medical issues and their grandmother until I have a firm diagnosis from the neuro as we have asked her to rule out other possible causes for his symptoms such as HF Autism and ADD. Obviously, if my MIL is falling for someone/something that is nefarious, that will affect me, too, in the end.
I've never heard of this practice and find it so offensive and inappropriate. The management in charge of this practice is putting her at risk, jeopardizing her health, security and safety, and SHOULD be held accountable for any and all things that might happen.
How did this practice originate? Is MIL the only one being manipulated like this? I personally think this doesn't necessarily constitute elder abuse, but it certainly does warrant someone in an authority position (maybe a police officer, or a state rep) advising the community this is an unacceptable behavior, as well as reminding them of their liability if MIL or anyone being similarly abused is injured.
No senior citizen paying rent or having purchased a unit in any community should be subject to "showings" of his/her private accommodations. This REALLY makes me angry.
If I were in this position, I'd send the management a certified letter advising them that I hold them accountable financially, ethically, personally and legally for any event that occurs to me, my property, the apartment/unit, and especially for any criminal activity arising out of their using my apartment/home as a model.
So, when my mother lived in Assisted Living, a 'lovely young man' came to visit her one day. It just so happened that my husband and I pulled up to the building just as he was leaving. He waved to me; I asked at the front desk who the guy waving at me was? The receptionist looked confused; she said that the guy told them he was a FAMILY FRIEND and stopping by to see his old friend, my mother. I'd never laid eyes on this man in my life. He was obviously no 'family friend' at all. Mom was leaving her unit to meet us just as he was knocking, so he did not wind up visiting with her.
Turned out the dining room waitress was this guy's girlfriend. She had told him to go 'visit' my mother for some reason we are all still unaware of. Most likely a scam of some sort. The waitress didn't know my mother is a gigantic cheapskate first of all, and second of all, has no money of her 'own' because I handle all the finances personally (as the only child). Ha.
The Executive Director at the ALF had a fit; he wound up firing the waitress after questioning her privately.
The staff at the ALF also used my mother's studio apartment as a 'show unit' and brought potential residents through for a look-see. They did not, however, give out her phone number and nobody who'd seen her unit had ever shown up later on to take her to lunch.
Everything needs to be viewed with suspicious eyes these days, especially where elders are concerned. I'd call the ALF if I were you and ask them for details. Did the details of this lunch come from your MIL directly? If so, fact check........I have to do that with EVERYTHING my mother tells me, cuz half of it is bull and the other half is well, you know, poop. Secondly, check with the Exec. Director of the ALF about what their policy is about showing units. Are they giving out resident's phone numbers, for petesake? Did this man call the front desk to ask MIL out for lunch?? If they have lenient 'show' rules in place, I'd take MIL OFF the list, thank you very much. Let them show someone else's unit in the future.
Leave it to a MAN to get NO details about a suspicious situation! Ugh.
Hope everything works out okay and this was all above board.
If you have confirmed that MIL went to lunch then I think we can all understand your concern. You can always talk to her about it but at the end of the day, it’s her right to go to lunch.
If husband is found in early stages of Dementia, then that would be grounds to revolk his POA. MIL would need to assign a new POA. That doesn't need to be you. I do think u may want to have husband assign u POA. Being his wife does not give you the right to make decisions for him.
You are not responsible for MILs care. You will have enough responsibility caring for DH.
It may be that the man wanted their opinion about the ALF in private, and this seemed like the best way of having a real conversation. Or it may be that he is indeed planning to move in and wanted to make an impression. I think leaping to the conclusion that he is a scam artist who will take your MIL for every cent and break her dear old heart into the bargain really is getting a bit ahead of yourself.
It sounds like you have already made your decision for your reasons. It’s great that you are certain about how you feel. So many people go back and forth about what they should do. It can be confusing but you sound very confident in your decision. Are you looking for validation from the forum? It’s your decision and you’ve made it already and it truly doesn’t matter what others think but for the record, thumbs up 👍🏻 for not wanting to be involved with your MIL if it’s uncomfortable for you.
Can you ask the facility about the incident? I would merely tell them you are concerned about her. I wouldn’t be overly critical or even bring up the scams at this point. You will most likely get more information if you don’t come across as being overly critical of your MIL. Best wishes to you.
I hope the upcoming medical news about your husband is positive.
Glad,
I was thinking the same thing as you. You read my mind. I second everything you just said.