She blames everything on my husband (& never my SIL). Thankfully, my SIL (who lives in Georgia we are in NJ) TRIES to set her straight. All decisions were made as a family… Not by my husband independently.
My MIL is on an antidepressant ... has some short term memory loss… But no dementia ...any advice on how to handle these rages? She called me yesterday & bit my head off & sent me to tears....thank you.
If she doesn't have any dementia than setting boundaries with her is completely acceptable and I don't understand why people don't do it. What allows her to have the authority to climb your frame and tear you apart and you just take it. You wouldn't let a bratty child do it, why would you allow a bratty senior to do it?
Enough, please don't talk to me that way! Then you hang up if it continues.
Of course she is scared and confused and in a new environment with lung cancer but not all of her cherished stuff. She is probably angry and you should help her deal with her emotions instead of barfing them all over you. Get her a therapist or a friendly visitor that can help her adjust to her new reality.
I had a terrible time with bad temper and behavior from my Father. Although he is in care facility it was terrible and upsetting. The doctor for the care home said he did not have dementia although agreed odd behavior. He took a stroke in January and was admitted to hospital. They did a brain scan. Found he had brain damage from 2 previous strokes. Areas affected caused the odd behavior. Once I knew this have found it easier to accept situation.
I just either agree. Say you are possibly right or I am not sure. This answers most and I feel much calmer. On his really bad days I suddenly remember an appointment or have to meet someone and leave. Takes a lot of practise but gets easier. Good luck
I'm sorry you and the family and your MIL are going through this rough time. "Teething troubles," I hope, but all the same painful enough while they last.
Just a bit of background - so your mother moved in to her ALF only 2-3 months ago. Is the ALF in Georgia or New Jersey?
I'm glad that the family was able to work together on this, and I'm sure you did make the right decision not to attempt to care for her at home if it wasn't something you were confident and happy about taking on. Good for you for not rushing into it, and for not doing it in spite of your reservations! Many people fall into that pit.
So, anyway, here we are and MIL is not a happy bunny. First thing to say is - it is early days. She'll need time.
Second: what is she getting so upset about? It doesn't have to make sense, but what are her main grievances?
Third: you say she has some short term memory loss but no dementia. Your profile also mentions cancer, is that correct? What would you say are her main health issues?
Sorry for all the questions, but the better we understand the better our chances of suggesting anything useful.
Give the situation some time, your MIL's moods may even out. There's not much you can do to facilitate the adjustment process, she just has to go through it. But you can try to help her feel as if she has more control over her life. Give her choices whenever you can, "Mom, do you want to come to dinner on Saturday or Sunday?" Or, "Should I pick you up at 9:30 a.m. or would you like a little more time to get ready?" Look for opportunities that give your MIL choices and if she decides she doesn't want to do something, allow her that for now. Help her regain some control back over her life.
If the facility can't test her, then get her to a doctor. UTIs are serious in the elderly. If Its a UTI, problem solved. If not, Mom needs a good physical. Labs especially.
Double whammy is right, it is the lack of control most of the time. My Mom is still in her home with my Dad. They have 24/7 care. I do everything for them: grocery shopping, clothes shopping, paying their providers and their bills, doctor appts, meds.
At first it was difficult for her. She was in a rage everyday for months then she was better. Yep, that rage was directed at me. I'm evil and she lets everyone know it.
Something would trigger the fact that she was not in control and then here we go again.
It rattles my nerves sometimes, more than others times but That's the way it is. OUR NORMAL HAS BECAME DYSFUNCTIONAL. THAT'S OUR "NEW NORMAL".
It's a road we didn't ever expect but it's a road I know I don't walk alone. Many like me are on it with me and that makes me keep going.
BE STRONG MY FRIEND.
My boss at work is so understanding, but I could retire in 3 years and now I don't even see the end until they are gone.
She he has suffered a lot of change and loss. Hear her out, agree with her, ask her follow-up questions to show her you are listening.
When she insults or screams, try to remain calm. Yelling (even yelling back) at the elderly is akin to yelling at a child.
So I called her HH nurse and requested a UTI check. Sure enough. She has an infection.
Get your MIL checked ASAP. Of course no one wants her to have a UTI but it’s a relief to have a reason for the acting out that you feel like you can actually do something about.
I know it’s not easy but try not to take anything personal.
thank you 4 ur kind informative answer