Mom and Dad live at home with assistance. Both are very mentally sharp. Dad has, type 2 diabetes, parkinson's , is 89 and was just diagnosed with cancer. Mom is recovered after a year, from an open sore. They have help with getting to dr appointments. Brother who is there thinks they are being "stupid" and he would like to pay for someone to come in and assess their situation. If I lived closer, I would be the kind of person to help manage. My brother doesn't care to do that and would rather have a professional come in and give him peace of mind. But they have refused, they don't want to spend the money. They want our inheritance to not be so "dwindled". My inclination is to respect their wishes and to accept that they have a right to live and die how they chose. Am I being short sited? Or is my brother being overly anxious? Clearly, it's creating family contention. My parents feel that he means well, but that he doesn't listen. He feels that they or me and my brother don't listen.
I would love some feedback. Also, how will I know when I can read folks response?
Thanks!
As is true with elderly care, it only gets more complex and demanding... and your brother is declaring that it is time for further evaluation. Perhaps you call in hospice for an evaluation. Or have their primary care physician do a home visit.
Knowing the toll cancer treatment had on my mother, who was in her mid 70's, I think you really need to process options for your father. Chemo/radiation is really, really hard on the body. At his age, honestly, is the toll worth it?
So there are other siblings involved (you said "he has put us ALL off"). Well, from first hand experience, caring for an elderly parent with sibs basically not much involved is EXHAUSTING. He simply sounds really frustrated that he is in this position and all of you need to STEP up and be supportive. You may not like his approach, but he is the only one spending quantity time with your parents - for whatever reason (distance being one).
Support you brother. He probably needs a break from it all and it would be great if one of you really stepped in. I don't mean to be bossy - but I sympathize - to an extent - what your brother may be going through.
Blessings.
Perhaps the evaluation or a case manager is a role that I don't understand or that my brother doesn't know how to explain well to my parents. But they have been opposed to it and I'm not clear what the criteria is to over ride that. I feel that I need to respect them. That is where the rub comes. Thanks for this dialogue.
Also, it's a kind of throat cancer. With my father's compromised health in other areas, I am not excited about the potential for surgery and radiation and what that means in terms of not being to eat. Again, my dad has to do what he feels is right for him and for his quality of life at this time.
Okay - so your brother might not see them daily, but he seems like he is more available than you are to see them regularly.
What type of "manager" is your brother seeking? A nurse? Hospice? Perhaps you introduce the manager in a less threatening way. For example, "Mom and Dad, we have a nurse coming to evaluate your needs so both of you can stay in your home and not go to the hospital. It is in your best interest"
Your brother, who is with them daily, sees what their needs are - and his limitations. Listen to your brother, please. He needs support from you as he is trying to care for your parents by himself and he needs to know from a professional standpoint what to do next. Honor your brother, please (I've been in a similar situation as your brother - and getting sibling support is SO important!!).
Who has POA?