Been married (2nd time) for almost 3 years. Been together for 8 years. His Mom lived with him since 2016 when he needed help and she couldn't afford to make her payments. 4 kids between us, 2 married with kids of their own, 1 in the military and 1 under our roof temporarily to relocate. He extended the "move in" offer to my Mom in January. We have a large (very large) house ... BUT... his Mom uses our only guest bath as "hers", my Mom comandeered the half bath as "hers", our middle son and my Mom share the downstairs shower. BOTH Moms use the common areas upstairs. I am losing my mind living with these two old women! Beyond launching me into early menopause (due to their lack of hormones) they do everything LOUD! Eat, walk, sleep, talk, drink, cough, fart, laundry, you name it, they do it LOUD!! And my MIL is the biggest "butt-in-ski" I have ever met. She butts into every conversation and everything related to the house. She thinks she needs to know what is going on with everything and everyone. She thinks she is "cute and funny" when she is really just conniving and manipulative. There is ZERO privacy when she is around. ZERO! Now add my mother. She wants all the same things my MIL has (including MY parking spot because it is up front by the garage door.) And she respects NO house rules. If she wants to move or displace or change something she just does it. My past with my mother is rocky at best. She was very Pro-Woman and very Gloria Steinham so my happy marriage where I am the Beta and he is the boss just grinds her gears. I hate all of this. I'm surrounded by old women and it makes me want to scream. One who wants to challenge every single thing I say and one who thinks she is her son's emotional support wife! I have tried talking to my husband and he simply says "it won't change so why fight it". I am not trying to fight it. I am just trying to breathe. Just trying to survive. - Anyone got any tips for this side of it?
August 13, 1996
Dear Abby
DEAR 80 AND HOLDING: Thank you for sending it to me. I agree, the rules are worth repeating. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: When my husband's mother came to live with my husband and me 23 years ago, she made our lives so miserable I vowed I would never bring such misery to my children if I ever had to live with them. One day, I wrote myself a letter containing some rules. I put it in an envelope marked, "To be opened on the day I go to live with one of my children" -- then I put it away.
I've been widowed and self-sufficient for eight years, but I was recently forced to give up my job and move in with my daughter. I'm submitting that letter. Perhaps your older readers might benefit from it, as I intend to. Here are the rules:
-- Give what you can toward your keep. Any budget will stretch just so far.
-- Keep yourself clean and neat. Fresh undies and daily baths are a must.
-- Remember, it is their home. Give them privacy at every opportunity.
-- Try to make your own friends and develop interests outside the home.
-- If you suspect they would like to go away on a vacation but are hesitant because of you, offer to visit another relative or friend so they will be free to go.
-- Don't offer any advice or express any opinion on family matters unless asked.
-- Volunteer information that they might be too embarrassed to ask for, such as arrangements for your burial, hospitalization, etc.
These rules were written more than 22 years ago. I read them often and am determined to keep them. -- 76 AND HOLDING
However, after reading all that and considering my mother I had a short but important chat with her. She was, wants and thrives on control. My plan is to sit them both down (without him) and come to a few resolutions (boundaries if you will) in addition to finding a way for my mother to control something (besides me - because that doesn't work at all). My MIL will be brought to heel as well. And if they aren't, there is the door and they are free to walk through it. I don't think they are cute, sweet, or in any form "Golden Girls" and they are going to know it. If they choose to remain in my house they will have to follow my rules and contribute in some form. And I have no idea where my MIL would go. My SIL doesn't want her due to past behaviors of "butt-in-ski" and her own daughter doesn't either. My mother could take care of herself again now and has the resources to do so.
If anyone is interested I will post the results of that talk later.
There is a middle ground. Your mother (“one of those”) didn’t allow people to disrespect her, albeit sometimes in a forceful manner. It sounds like you were afraid of her. You don’t have to be like her, but it doesn’t mean you should swing the other way. You don’t have to be the doormat. As long as you’re above ground, there’s a chance to change.
I would be waving to ALL OF THEM as I drove off.
Now you're reading them both the riot act and showing them the door if they don't shape up.
Interesting.
To my mind, being a feminist has nothing to do with "making one's spouse mind", being aggressive or being the heavy.
It has to do with being allowed to earn and keep one's own money, have credit, be able to leave an abusive marriage and not lose custody of one's children, and speak one's mind in public.
I am 70 years old and NONE of those were legal when I was growing up.
Your mom sounds like a shrew, not a feminist.
As for coping, get a job, volunteer, join a club, pick up a hobby, or whatever to get your beta-self out of the house.
Why can't your husband remodel the "downstairs" so that the two moms don't have to use the "upstairs" common areas? Is it possible to separate the two levels with a door that you can lock and create a separate entrance?
Since you're happy playing the beta to your husband's alpha, I would go full throttle with a happy-wife-happy-life strategy and work on your husband, who either does or doesn't care about keeping you happy.
You should also tell them that you won’t be helping. Obviously if they do laundry, they’re fit. They can choose Uber to go places. The more they need help, the more likely they can’t stay with you.
You need to TAKE control.
State RULES ("house rules") and keep to them.
You are giving all your power away. Why?
If you do not take control of your home, they will. They are.
You can scream - get out your frustration through therapy and exercise.
Do not scream at them. It adds fuel to the already burning fire.
No one is 'conniving and manipulative WITHOUT your agreement.
You are allowing this behavior. Once you realize it is up to you - in your own home - to create your own house rules and stick to them - they will either abide by them or pay the consequences.
You then need to figure out the consequences.
Tell them to leave?
Find alternative housing for them?
Talk to your spouse to get him on the same page as you (yes) - ? or is he already?
Nothing changes until YOU do.
And then if you do not change, the question is why not?
What are you afraid of?
What are your underlying issues / needs / old patterns of behavior 'running you.'
You need to give them the 'tough love' I am giving you.
The bottom line is that you do not want this situation to continue as it is.
If you need to lock (bathroom) doors - your bathroom, do it.
If they are cognitively unable to 'understand' or abide by your direction/rules
- get them to a medical provider to be tested for cognitive functioning
- see if medication is needed
- get caregivers in there to 'help' them abide by / (enforce your rules).
If you do not give them boundaries, they believe (and are) at free will to do as they please - as they are. You're 'kicking and screaming' here won't do any good beyond getting some anger out expressing the powerlessness you feel - in your own home. You need a united voice with your husband and get into therapy, even short term.
Gena / Touch Matters
I suppose the coming weeks will tell if they heard or received anything I had to say. Again, appreciate all the ideas and tips and thoughts! As for the naysayers, I am not Sandra Bullock and this is not the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. Never did like that BS. Additionally, one of the most freeing and valid statements I ever heard and I intend to fully digest and practice is "My grown adult children owe me nothing" - Fact right there. They do not. I will live homeless in a tent on the street before I would do this to any of them.
Appreciate Y'all and look forward to peace on the mountain!
I certainly hope that all of you will be able to live in harmony from here on out. Fingers crossed 🤞for you.
I am with you. I don’t want to be a burden on my daughters.