My 87 yr. old mother asked me to come into her home and help her as her physical abilities are declining. I gave up my home, job, friends to be there for her. This is way more difficult than I had ever dreamed. She throws up to me daily that I should get a job (Itell her this is my new job) and proceeds to list the way that she is putting a roof over my head etc. She wants nothing changed in her life or home. She has 2 bedrooms but I sleep on the couch so that nothing is moved. I am not to bring anything into the house bc it might change something.. I am loosing my mind just sitting and waiting for her to tell me my next move... If I try to suggest an outing or something fun for us to do, I am being "bossy".. please help!!
bed to take care of mom. Mom was then alert but had been diagnosed with alzeheimers 8 years earlier. I was going to sell my home and move in with her(then the market crashed) and I am 4 years later now getting it on the market. I still work full time but at the begining found daycare serv ices which I called the club. She did not want to go but I gave her no choice. It worked out with that and paying people to assist. Mom had
enough money to be able to have other people come in and help. She went thru a very nasty stage would say all types of mean comments to me bringing back some very bad memories and making me wonder why I chose to do this. I sort out some help from other caregivers and found this was a stage of the disease I did put her on some medication prescribed by her doctor for this combative time and it balanced her and I also made it clear her comments were not acceptable and mean. It is some kind of a last ditch effort for them to attempt to hold on to some type of control in their life it is a very sad and difficult disease to watch your loved one die of.
This is what I think from what I understand from your post.
If YOU really have decided you do want to take care of your mom and you prefer that job to an outside job then you need to do something to make your mom see that she may lose you as her main caretaker.
Next time she tells you or hints you should get a job,, tell her you have been thinking about it and will be out in a week. Tell her you do not think the way things are working out with her are good for you.
You may find out she really does NOT want you as her main caretaker and you may have to accept that and let her go to a nursing home. At least you tried and were willing.
If you have found you cannot tolerate the situation and you DO NOT want to take care of her as her main caregiver then move out if you can. At least leave and spend a few nights away in a motel to get some relief and to remind her what her life was like without you.
We found with our mother in law that once she accepted one change in her home she just completely let go of everything. All the sudden she wanted everything gone and the house sold. It was quite a switch.
I would not recommend anyone to be as brutally honest as I am, but I would say that you need to sit your mom down and have a very forthright conversation. She did after all ask you to come help her. I would make a list of every concern or question and check it off as the conversation progresses. What exactly are her expectations and she needs to give a lot, you should feel like you are at home too! By the way, you are an independent adult and have the right to be treated like one. There is one word that must be used by everyone together, respect. If she can't give it, then you do not have to be there.
My heart goes out to you. This has not been an easy thing for us either, I know how you are feeling. The unappreciative attitude alone is very painful to take. But if you will lay down some ground rules and make some solid points, you will know exactly where you stand and if you want to stand there.
Pattie
Either set some ground rules and ask that she follow them...or find new digs. By doing this, you are not cutting off your relationship to her completely...you are just asking for the respect you deserve. (btw...what's up with making you sleep on the couch????? you are living in hell's kitchen....get out before you lose yourself in this horrid situation.)
Lilli