Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

90 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
1 2 3
This is precisely why my mother is in a NH. If she were here in my house this is what she would do. Would drive me batty in about 2 seconds.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Yesterday was my usual day with Mom. I decided I was putting up a boundary, not going to react to her negativity etc. My plan was to observe her behavior as if I was watching a television show. AND most of all, not let it get to me. I was amazed at how many things she was negative about from the food we picked up at the grocery story to what was actually on television. I must remember that I am not in charge of her happiness. A lesson that unfortunately was ground into me since childhood. The experience yesterday was freeing. I hope I can keep it up.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
sweetbrwn 34, PLEASE, please, think long and hard before giving up custody of your son...he WILL see it as you picking your mom over him. Everyone is right...your mom has lived her life, right or wrong, happy or bitter, but she has NO RIGHT to take out her self-loathing on your son. It's time to find other arrangements for mom. Your son needs you.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
my mother delights in belittling me in front of others,whether strangers, friends or family. It is humiliating . Others are usually so uncomfortable about the comments that they go silent rather than say something. Last weekend I had an old friend visit and of course my mother wanted us to all visit together over coffee even though it was my company and not hers. While chattering and catching up as old girl friends do, my mother said very sternly to me, "let her talk more, you're talking way too much and interrupting." Awkward silence ensued. Ugh....yes, I had warned my friend but still its not exactly "fun" to be corrected like a 5 year old in front of others. I've only 3 more weeks living with her so keep telling myself "this soon shall pass." If I was living here indefinitely, I'd never have company over the house again and would only meet them elsewhere if possible. But, when its family visiting, that option is impossible. Not sure if there is any solution other than other people speaking up perhaps and saying, "that wasn't nice" and changing the subject.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
NJC, that is a very awkward situation your mother put you in. Trying to look on the bright side, though, there are some parents who are absolute poppets in front of outsiders and mean as snakes in private - at least your friend now knows what you're up against, and can sympathise.

My SIL's MIL (sorry, I know it's getting convoluted) - may she rest in peace, however little she deserves to - was in the habit of slandering her lovely, dutiful, intelligent son quite outrageously. I just used to let my jaw drop and say, in a scandalised tone: "D------! That's a DREADFUL thing to say!" and she wouldn't go on about whatever it was after that. But I think she was a one-off who just enjoyed creating gossip and making trouble. At least I hope she was a one-off…

I think you can almost always get away with expressing gentle scepticism, you don't actually have to concur with every word. Flat contradiction is rude, though, so unless it's called for - e.g. by an obvious and appalling slander - keep your disagreement light.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Liz123: Good job! You're right: it doesn't always work to step back and observe, but it sure feels good when it DOES help!
When my Mom starting swearing and saying things like, "She's such a b*tch!" in front of her great-grandchildren who spend the night at my house on a regular basis, I started confronting/correcting her (which REALLY made her mad) in front of the kids. I'd say, "Grandma, we have little ears here," and she'll look at the kids and say, "Oh, they've heard that word before"--like they're not even in the room! My response to her was/is: "YES, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT'S OK TO USE THAT KIND OF LANGUAGE, IS IT?" She'll stomp off to her room, stay there for a few hours, and peace is restored.
I'm not saying that this is right or wrong, but my Mom has NOWHERE else to go. She has alienated her other children and most of her own siblings. Now, I TRY not to take advantage of that fact, but she knows that if she EVER starts complaining about how I do things in MY house, I will help her pack her things and then call a cab. Fortunately, she wants SOME sense of independence--as she sees it--from all of us who are "trying to tell her what to do" so I've let her know that that is exactly what I'm helping her find--an independent living facility. She just doesn't know that she can't afford independent living and that I'm actually moving her into whatever the h*ll she qualifies for, b/c I have come a loooong way, baby, and I am not living like this any longer than I have to. I've told her that we both "deserve" our own places and she thinks (for now, anyway) that having her own place will make her happy.... and the denial continues.
Did I even "stay on topic?" If I didn't, I apologize. I haven't vented in a few days, so thanks!
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
That is a good one to use. "We both deserve our own homes." I like that and will use it the next time she start grouching.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
My Mom does similar things. She will tell me she does not like what my hairdresser did with my hair and I should tell her...., or tells me what to tell the MD when I call for an appt, even though you only speak with the receptionist, etc., etc. It is sort of like she thinks I am 5 again, instead of 69. Very annoying, but I try and avoid discussing it, as she would be sure she said nothing wrong, and it would turn into an even bigger issue. All these little things take a toll on you as you swallow hard, but all we can do is just try to remember they are going through a difficult time, and hope we don't do this with our kids, when we are in this position.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
KayBee
Venting, sharing and going off topic, (but not really), always encouraged. Hugs to you today.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Always looking for an argument, don't take the bait!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Today I told Mom she had a hair appt. Of course she didn't want to go! I reminded her that her birthday is Saturday and "doesn't she want to look nice"? She said meanly to me " oh like you" you keep lightening your hair because you want to look younger " .. I said "yes I got my hair highlighted and I didn't do it myself", " sorry you don't like it, but I do".. She just rolled her eyes at me..

I got up, walked away and when she couldn't see me I flashed her my middle finger! I feel better already!
Helpful Answer (9)
Report
LOL! I thought I was the only one that flipped mom the bird (behind her back) to let off steam. Feels great!
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
Boni, yes it does! I do it all the time!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
This is funny!
Haven't gotten so far as to give the bird, but I roll my eyes behind her back so much that I'm afraid they may stay that way one day!
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
I stick out my tongue out to my mom and sister..LOL! it does help...I have given the finger to difficult co-workers and customers!! I hope they never look at the video, LOL!!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
I keep trying to understand why my dad doesn't love his kids anymore. We get no phone calls from him. He has caregivers. Its just not him in that body.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
WeAreOne, if your Dad has advancing Alzhemiers, likely he can't remember how to dial a phone even if he wanted to. And if he convinced himself you were repsonsible for his problems, maybe he wouldn't want to. Something in my heart feels bad that you think he doesn't love you anymore or just decided not to stop loving you - his disease takes so many important abilities away, it may not be his fault at all that he can't express it or feel it any more. I remember how my mom went from calling me inappropriately to complaining the phone never worked to just not being able to use it at all. I remember how I felt the first time she forgot my birthday too - I think I was 51 or 52...53 at the latest. Now, it kind of blurs together. Its' sad but really not as hard to understand. Just don't hold it against him in your heart. Even Solomon was turned from his wisdom to follies in his last years...I don't think it negated everything else about his life...Sirach 3:2-6 says respect your parent even though his mind fails him, and I think that is what happened.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Thanks but if you look at my post again you'll see that I said, "Its just not him in that body" anymore. I know he can still use the phone but something drastic has changed with his mind. I can only diagnose himself as alcoholic dementia since he has refused to see a doctor in decades.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
That's a shame because alcoholic dementia might be treatable. Too bad his caregivers can't get him to go get a thorough evaluation. But, if he ever loved you, I would still say he would if he could. Some delusion or misjudgement is stuck in his mind now and he can't reason his way around it to see the child who still cares for him and aches for some sign of love. So sorry for your heartbreak!!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I truly can relate to this topic. I have 5 sisters and a brother and it seems my mother saves the zingers for me. I have had conversations with a few of my sisters and they have stated they have experienced similar zinger comments from my mom. My mother does not have cognitive issues. I am told to ignore it; however, I believe that age is not an excuse for rudeness. I try to deflect negative comments with humor, but when I can't take it anymore, I address the comment immediately so she is aware she is doing it. For example, about a year ago, I reached my breaking point (after many years) when my mother would make negative comments about how I am like her "mother-in-law" (a/k/a my grandmother who died in the late 70's). I was named after my grandmother (my dad's mom), and she would tell complete strangers that I am "just like her mother-in-law"). I know she had a love/hate relationship with my grandmother and when I finally could not take the negative comments (especially stated to complete strangers), I asked her to stop. It took several attempts, but she finally got the message that I had enough! I don't know where the association came to mind for her, but I resented the fact that not only was she putting me down in front of total strangers, but that she was bad-mouthing my grandmother whom I loved very much. While I don't believe it is appropriate to blast an aging individual, if that person does not have cognitive issues (where they do not necessarily have control over their thought process), I believe it is acceptable to express your opinion in a mature fashion and let that person know how negative comments are affecting you. Just because a person is elderly does not give them a free pass for verbal abuse.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Aphena I agree! Being punching bag, scape goat etc why do we tolerate this? It won't help to argue or retort back of course but it sure is eroding *our* happiness and self esteem in the meantime and for...what? there are no gold medals for being a doormat or being abused at the pearly gates. No one is going to pat us on the back and say "you put up with being emotionally bullied and shot all these years, well done!" If this was any other type of relationship everyone would say RUN but all we do is cower and try even harder to please. What in the world is this doing to our emotional well being after all is said and done?
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
This happened to me yesterday by my mom and my blood was 195/100 aandi am on medication.It does alot to us and we have to depose and do yoga an d exercise, before we get sick. I am thinking fo joining a group called challenging. We also need to meditate with God. Go dig up weeds and eachweed is what our mom has done to us and then plant a flower. Make a meditate Garden and dedicate it to God.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
I asked my mother, Saturday, how it was that one child in the family was chosen to be the one who gets all the criticism - even in public, which is humiliating - and the other child never gets a cross word and gets thanked for every little thing that they do.
No answer. She just said ' you were fed and looked after well, so you had it pretty good, little lady.'
It's very depressing to think that you are only 'loved' for what you do.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
livingsouth, it's conditional love. When you're making them happy, you get kind words. When you aren't, they'll do whatever they feel they need to to get their way. What helped with my mom was to tell her that the next time she threw me under the bus in public, I would not be taking it quietly. That I would be commenting. The next time she got snarky in public, I calmly said something about the comment being harsh. I also got good at saying "Excuse me?", which stopped her for a moment and she usually didn't repeat the snotty comment.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
My mother has said some very hateful things to me in the past. A couple of years ago my mother almost died. I stayed with her 24/7 for a month. I took time away from my family and job and did not want to spend time being abused. After a few very hateful comments, I said to my mother 'I am carrying a candle for both of us and each time you spit your venom it blows out the candle and we are both in the dark. So it is YOUR choice, to either enjoy each other or put the candle out. Now when my 90 year old mother gets testy I say 'Oh I see you are trying to blow our candle out' and then she looks at me and is quick to apologize. I have tried many other tactics through out the years and this is the only one that works. I also remind my mother that we only have 24 hours a day. We spend 8 sleeping, 8 working and the rest of the day there is no time to be hateful. There truly is no time for hate. I have to remind my mother of this too.

I noticed that if my mother wants to spit venom on me she digs up old stuff from the past and tries to hit me with it over and over again. I will remind her that she has already harmed me with that venom. She now makes up stuff to get a punch in. I ask her why she feels she has to punch me when our time is so limited with me living out of town, she said she does not know.. Then I say, it's dark in the room because you can't stop blowing that candle out so I'm going back home..
While growing up my mother said some very ugly things to me so her behavior is not shocking the real difference is that I am a grown adult with my voice and I do not have to take the abuse. My voice with my mother has come in strong but sometimes my voice gets stuck with other mean people.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
LivingSouth - wow! Well. No false repentance or crocodile tears from your mother there, then.

If it's any consolation, I've seen this in friends' families and I know (because the perpetrators are my friends, not the children) that it isn't, truly it isn't, lack of love. It's some kind of personality mismatch, I think. They love the odd-one-out/scapegoat/whatever you call it child, they just find it somehow so hard to be kind and approving. It's so sad, and of course it is incredibly hard on the child.

Keep remembering, never forget: Not Your Fault. Big hug.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
To Living south, my wife can relate to what you said about the about the rude comments that is all her mother can say to her, and the other sister is considered a saint no matter how little she does and I do mean little. Her sister does not call her mom and does not even drive 10 minutes to come see her. Yet the sister has everyone believing that she does everything, all my wife can say is her sister will get hers someday. Try going to another room when the comments get started sometimes this works
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
pami68, I really like your idea of a meditation garden. I keep trying to be the antithesis of my mother, but sometimes the stress just gets to the point where I feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. Like you, the stress is really beginning to take a toll on my physical health, and that scares me. I keep thinking, "What will be left of my life?". I live in a very small town, where everybody knows everybody's business, so going to any kind of support group is out of the question. At this point, I'm seriously considering finding a therapist (out of town) who specializes in dealing with this issue, but the meditation garden would be not only therapeutic in creating, but a place to go where I feel like I'm on the edge. Last night, I was finally able to admit to myself th
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
sorry...my fingers don't work so well in the morning! Last night, I was finally able to admit to myself that I am still working on trying to forgive my mother for a lifetime of verbal and emotional abuse...I don't love her...there are some things you just can't forget.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
I agree with all the good advice shared here... and also, I recently joined a gym where everyone there pretty much seems like they are half my age. I'm sure that's not really true, but my point is that the classes are pretty hard. I am careful not to do so much that I hurt myself, but I now go almost EVERY day and I feel better.

Just want to encourage anyone who is not feeling well to exercise, any way you can. Do it often and do it a little harder than you think you can, but be careful not to hurt yourself.

Hoping this suggestion will help and that you will begin to feel better, stronger and happier.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
1 2 3
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter