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Blannie, I feel your pain. Thank God my mother doesn't live with me. I'd be in jail by now. LOL My mother always finds fault and takes digs constantly. The other day, for instance, I went to the store for her. She wanted Pepsi and "anything else that looks good" That was her list. Would not tell me what to bring her. She has meals downstairs every day, but likes to snack. I got her Pepsi, cookies, cheese and crackers, English muffins, ice cream, cinnamon breakfast rolls - even cat treats. "You didn't bring me any candy?" Was the only comment I got from her. Her favorite remark to me is that my hair always "looks like s**t". My suggestion is to look up "Narcissistic Mother" and see if this has been the pattern of your life. It doesn't change who she is, but learning it was a disorder helps me to let it roll off - most of the time. Good luck.
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Sorry, but I have to laugh when we all say "Why does such-and-such CONTINUE to happen" or "I can't believe so-and-so did that AGAIN!" If it has happened before why wouldn't it happen again? There's a pattern here. Step back and look at the whole pattern. You are not responsible for the whole pattern but you have a part to play in it; think about how you can change your part -- either your behavior or the way you think about it.
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She is making belittling remarks because YOU allow them. Speak up! Tell her what you think, how you are feeling when she says things, and do not allow her to continue making such comments. It will go a long way for enriching your life and she feels empowered when she makes you feel small. Just do not let her!
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You know what kills me the most here. We are taught to be emotionally healthy to NOT ever allow ourselves to be treated like this. My Mother was abusive and I actually had a therapist who convinced me to cut her off. Looking back on it now, I see why I DID. However, she died a few years ago and I think instead of losing ten years with her I could have done something else. Anyhow, everyone is all big on domestic violence (me especially) and yet now because they are older we are to tolerate this crap? It seems screwed up. The principal is screwed up. I understand their are different views, different perspectives, etc. However, if you look at the BIG picture what the heck is going on here? I am seeing a lot of caregivers here being emotionally abused. I am not saying stick the elderly abusers in nursing homes and screw them. I know we all want the same goal, but the principal is way messed up.
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I don't know that answer, but when I dressed rather nicely, for my mother's 95th birthday party, she said "What are you made up to represent?"
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Wow! This topic is all too relevant. MIL rarely has anything nice to say unless it is somehow carries an undertone of insult. I buy her groceries, cook her meals, wash her clothes, change her sheets, clean the house and transport her about when she needs to get somewhere. If "thank yous" or compliments are offered, it's hard to miss the condescension that accompanies the words. My husband (her son) travels a great deal with work, which leaves me bearing the brunt of her attitude. I work full-time from home, so I'm cooped up with her pretty much 24/7. I appreciate the sage words from so many of you. "Ignore" "detach" "divert" All wise suggestions. If I can't be successful in letting her less than kind remarks roll off, I can take some comfort in knowing that I am by no means alone. I've tried explaining to others (non caregivers) how exhausting her behavior is. Mostly, people seem to want to respond that at 92, she's entitled to be cranky. That kind of response tends to leave me feeling guilty and even more exhausted. It's refreshing to read through the comments here and to know that there really are people who do understand!
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My goodness. I didn't know it was something to get upset about. My mother, who is 102, has ALWAYS done that. It is just her way of talking. Her brain says, "I wonder where _____ is. I don't see her. I'll go find her". Then she gets up and looks for me and when she finds me says "There you are". She's thinking out loud. Is it manipulative? It sure feels like it. But you got good advice. It is her way of thinking and acting. I've discovered that a snotty response doesn't work. If you get upset or angry she will wonder why you are so nervous and high-strung. She is just fine. YOU need to find your own ways to cope. She WILL NOT CHANGE. Consider her age, what else goes on in her life, and just let it roll. When she says "There you are", you smile and say, "Yes I am". Then change the subject. REDIRECT the conversation. Before you see her have a list of topics in your mind that you can talk about so you can say, "Yes I am. What do you want for dinner?" Then move on. You are the one upset and you need to be able to cope.
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I agree with many of the comments and suggestions here. I find that I always have to try to put myself in our Mothers position. She has always been narcissistic and negative. This type of mindset doesn't get better as they age, especially if there are other personality disorders intertwined. I'm the daughter who is the physical image of our mother. I think because of that she sees her physical flaws through me. I've many times gotten responses from her such as " you just took after me", that's all fine and good until she zones in on anything and everything that might be what she feels needs to be addressed about me. I really do try to let it roll off my back, but a lot of times it's a deep cutting remark. It's these times that I can look at her and see the enjoyment in her eyes. There have been times I've physically have had to leave the room and pray for the ability to forgive her for this side of her personality and face the fact that hurting people hurt other people.I now respond to her wounding comments saying "Mother I'm going to believe you didn't mean to say something so hurtful." As the old saying goes "If mama ain't happy - Then nobodies happy!" What a sad, but true phrase.
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She does it because she can and probably knows it gets under your skin. Try to keep in mind that it's not really about making you feel small, it's about making herself feel big.
Years ago, when my family moved from Texas, we briefly lived with my mother in Virginia while we looked for our own home. I would feed my small children early and mom would make sure she parked herself at the table to supervise and comment on everything. "Oh, THAT looks good," she'd say in a way that implied the usual meal was not. One night I was serving the children ravioli but realized I didn't have any tomato sauce and rather than borrow any of her food, I improvised. I created a fresh spinach pesto sauce that was absolutely delicious and the kids started scarfing it down. Mom sat at the table and with great bravado, started gagging and pretending she was going to vomit. I tried to be the adult and suggested that her behavior would influence the children so they wouldn't eat. That only made her turn up the antics. When I asked her if maybe if it was so disturbing she might want to leave the room, she just snickered and said it was her house and she could do what she wanted. Of course, the kids stopped eating and Grandma smugly told them that SHE would fix them something they would like. This, from the woman who can burn water! LOL Naturally, I was seething at the time, but came to realize how pathetic, narcissistic and desperate she was for attention. Phew!
Unfortunately, when I was growing up everyone tiptoed around my mother, not daring to instigate her bad behavior. Now, I'll call her on it. "Did it make you feel good to belittle my sister today?" or "We all know you're not telling the truth." I think it actually shocks her into good behavior for a few hours.
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Go Plant some flowers. I dont live with my mom, I see her every day. The place Iive is 10 minutes away. So I go back home I have started to plant flowers and make that my sanctuary. It helps. I have made her a flower garden as well.
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my mom does it too. But now I just laugh at herdoing something like that and say oh well. Thats all we can do and you know what n ow she laughs too. Her memory hjas gotten whole lot better.
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I care for my brother in law who told me my husband died to get away from me. Really hurt me, until I remembered how much my husband loved me. Please try not to take it personally. I have notes up that say "it's not him, it's the illness." "don't ride the emotional/verbal carousel" for those endless repetitive statements/questions and "beware the God complex" for those all too frequent times when he believes he is the centre of the universe. In his life, he is! Their lives shrink to them. We must keep ours broader or go under. Thinking of you and all other carers. Be good to yourself, chances are no one else will think to be good to you.
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Such wonderful advice here! I especially like the answer that included "ignore, redirect, keep the joy in our lives". When my mother starts this, if at all possible, I simply walk out of the house, go down to my backyard by the creek, beautiful trees and flowers, and play some ball with my fur babies. My backyard is my closest sanctuary. I would also include taking an inventory of your life and eliminate those activities that you feel you "should" do, but just cause additional stress. My mother's doctor told me that the stress level for caregivers is extremely high, especially if you are the only one. So be kind to yourself.
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Mama has dementia so I am almost thankful for anything she says these days....but it is nonetheless hurtful when she snaps at me, or gives me that look like she almost hates me.....and it is stranger that I know she cannot help it anymore and i let it get to me. I think, for me, it is because I know it is not going to get better, there is nothing I can do to "fix" her and for all of my efforts in the end, I am still going to lose her....it is the longest saddest goodbye on earth and this week has been a roller coaster for me....and for her too I guess. She is really up one day, then next day (today for instance) she looks so angry at me. I am ashamed to admit I have even snapped at her for looking at me "that way"....knowing full well she can't help it....I do think they come out with the zingers because they don't have any control over anything else anymore...for my Mama, it is anything other than the dementia and her being in a world now that I can't quite understand and cannot go with her.....but it doesn't make it any easier.
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My mom did the same to me. I can relate. It hurts and was confusing.

All I could keep telling myself is that my mom was scared and I was the only person she could let her guard down with. One time I sat down with her and told her how nasty she was and that while I knew she was afraid, none the less it hurt me. She tried to be better for about a minute. Then later my brother pointed out to my mom that she was "killing" me with her abuses. For him, she tried even harder to be nicer, but could hardly hold out her good behavior toward me for long.

She and I were best friends when she was younger. She was a great grandma to my boys, but in the last few years, she was VERY difficult, only to me. If a tall handsome man came around (mostly doctors) she would rally and everyone LOVED her!! They all said how wonderful she was. My boys loved her. The doctors and nurses loved her. The neighbors said she was incredible. Yet the truth is she was pretty ugly and abusive to me behind closed doors.

I tried to focus on the good things, tried to not let it hurt and disturb me. It was a difficult time, but the best thing I now live with is the kindness I was able to show her. That's the thing that lasts the longest. Now that she's gone, I rest easy knowing I was blessed to be able to help her in the end.

Just want you to know you are not alone.

Your mom may be scared and confused and you are the one person she is most comfortable voicing her fears and confusion to. Hang in there. Try to be kind.

I hope you find kindness from others around you. Take time to be good to yourself. Think long term and be the kind of person you want to be, regardless of her behavior to you. She is probably afraid and feeling helpless... Think of how you would feed if you were her at that stage in your life.

Hope that others will be as kind to you as you have been kind to her. Always be good to yourself. Stay healthy and strong. You will find joy. It will be somewhere else.
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My wife can relate to the belittle in numerous ways, there are 3 girls in her family and the other 2 do nothing to help in their mothers care except complain. But where the problem is when her mother sends her out to get something for herself then when she returns most of the time she accuses her of being out for hours when it was less then 30 minutes or she will tell her well your oldest sister would not do that to me. Now mind you her oldest sister lives less than 10 minutes away and does nothing to help care for her mom. One thing her mom is getting good about is asking for something special to eat and then after it is prepared she will tell my wife that is not what I wanted and besides that you fixed it wrong that is not the way I taught you to fix it. The best thing we found out is to let them vent their feelings and then try and forget what was said.
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I think it's because they feel so useless and powerless over their lives at this point, and being bossy or complaining is the only way they can assert themselves. My mother complains every time someone sends her flowers...."I wish they wouldn't do that because the flowers always die." When I tell her to focus on the beauty of them when they arrive, she says she only envisions how they'll look when they wilt. When I call to say hello and see how her day is going, she says, "Well what are you doing today, nothing?" (Yeah, right sitting on my sofa, eating bon bons, Mom.) My poor brother takes the brunt, bending over backwards to make her comfortable. She likes sitting on a bench in front of her house, watching people go by. When she started getting sunburned last year, he had an automatic awning put up so all she had to do was press a button when she wanted it. She never said thank you. When I mentioned how nice it was for him to do that, she said, "He didn't do that for me, he did it for himself". My brother is married, has several jobs, his own house and a rental property to care for, besides my mom's house. I suppose he was looking for a project in his spare time (??) These are just little examples of what she comes up with. And this is a woman who, in younger years would never, ever have talked or acted like she does now. If at all possible, try to remember it's not personal and that this is all about how she feels about herself, not about you. All you can do is try and lighten the mood and move on without giving her comments much attention. If you argue with her about it, it encourages her to do it more. Unfortunately, we're the parents now, and sometimes I catch myself trying to teach her the same manners to her that she taught me when I was little., i.e. say thank you, be appreciative, if you can't say something nice, etc., etc. Life is amazingly circular.
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I have been wondering the same thing. I always disallowed fights on Holidays, etc. I kind of made a no drama rule with my family. Now that my Dad has gotten older he has gone from kind and caring to I am going to make you miserable. He attempts to start arguments over everything. It can be as simple as food, to him sitting in the next room mocking me. I usually ignore it as I agree with what one poster said. You get more of what you pay attention to. However when it comes to my Son, I draw the line. Now that he has noticed (dad) that he cannot get to me outright he goes through my Son. No name calling, however he purposely does thing inappropriate around my Son or annoys my Son. I do not get the angle here. It has been suggested we go to family therapy but I do not see him improving. We just got done with intensive in house family therapy. My Dad would agree he was in the wrong and then do the same things over again. It was counterproductive. I do know if you give them a reaction they will continue, however in my case, even without giving a reaction he just kicks it up a notch. I wish at times there was a magic wand to wave away the behavior. It's obvious who has the problem in my home and it was recommended to me to separate from him. As caregivers we all know what that will mean. He really is incapable of living by himself. I am going to continue reading these posts to see what other tricks there are to this.
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Remember it's not you. Imagine how frustrating she maybe now that the daughter/parent role has reversed. Looking at your post and what she is saying, my mom used to say too. As a parent she had to be strong for you and she is afraid now and is having hard time accepting what is happening. So your turn to stay strong for her. My mom has always been a very dominanting person and at times we did not see eye to eye then. And believe me it became worse when I had to start caring for her. But now she is much more peaceful. Not sure if because she has finally accepted the role reverse or because her health has suddenly declined further. So now if she has a feisty day we feel blessed because she is feeling good and more herself. So just remember she is scared and no longer in control and she really needs you to help her accept what's happening and feel your love to be at peace.
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The hurtful comment re the miscarriage is so far below the belt that it deserves a really sharp answer,, I'm afraid.....as for 'making her happy'......happiness is not something that you can give to another person- you may be the reason that he/she feels happy, but the best you(or anyone) can do is to allow her to be happy....making someone else happy is not a duty.......I have always felt that you make YOURSELF happy, It is quite surprising how much we allow other people to affect how we feel...Please, darling- stop blaming yourself for the shortcomings that only she sees...I think that you are awesome.Believe me, if you weren't there as her personal whipping boy she would have to take the responsibility for her own feelings.....
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I agree from above i was getting remarks from my mother also. But now it is better now. I cook at times and then my husband hellp with the cooking so things can be different. I also had to avoid my mother remark and anger .She like certain foods and i shop for them so i try to found out what make her happy. Also buy her little beer she like. She also like to snack so i got out get them for her. So that cut down on some the complaints. She brought be she wants and we let her but it and have set up in room for her. She is happy now.
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I think her comments are mild compaired to what some other loved ones say. Some get downright mean. But, true, is is HOW it is said. I think old age tends to produce a negative attitude in many people and they feel the need to express that negativity. Kind of like venting. If they hold it in they themselves are miserable. Getting it out makes them feel better. Some people feel better about themselves if they belittle others. It can also produce an "it's all about me" attitude. It also exagerates minor personality flaws. She may have always been that way, but not so noticeable until now. You are her world, so everything is focused on you. You just can't take it personally or it will wear you down even more than you already may be. Let her comments bounce off you. Make that rice along with something she likes. I have found that trying too hard to make others happy makes me unhappy. I can't afford to be unhappy. It's counterproductive and a waste of time. Don't dwell on what others think of you. Just do what you gotta do to make things work, and don't sweat the small stuff.
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I WISH the ONLY thing she complains about is food! She ask me, "why do u hate me"? And she says, me&my sister want 2 put her away, well, NOOOOO, that's why I'm here, so that WILL NOT HAPPEN, is what I say 2 her! She has told me she hates me. I had a miscarriage 10 yrs. ago&a few mos. ago, my mom said, "It's a good thing u lost that baby, cause u COULDN'T take care of, u don't know how 2 take care of me"!! These are ONLY A FEW of the things I deal with&ALL I TRY 2 DO,IS TAKE GOOD CARE OF HER:'(
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I agree the zingers can really wear us down. Lots of good advice here. "Ignore, redirect, keep the joy in our lives." It is so easy to get co-dependently sucked into trying to please the unpleasable. I really have to watch it and make sure my self worth isnt wrapped up in how happy or unhappy my Mom is. Unfortunately I was raised to feel responsible for her happiness and feelings. A refresher in codependency seems to help me.
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I think their world becomes so small they have nothing to think about but themselves and what's for dinner. Could you direct her interests elsewhere? Is she able to knit afghans for premature babies, or make something else?

My Mom does this but unfortunately it's difficult for her to do much, she's in a wheelchair and has a lot of pain. Her mood as actually improved now that she cuts up the meat for the blind guy at her assisted living home. She says she has to go to dinner "because H needs me".
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What do you do when your mom makes those kinds of statements? Do you argue with her or come back with some kind of comment? If so, I'd say just stop reacting. Just react when she says/does something positive.

When I was just out of college, I worked with a teaching program with Head Start kids (like pre-schooler age kids). One statement that they taught us that always stuck with me was "Ignore Deviant Behavior". Kids do things to get a reaction. If your mom is getting a reaction from you, that's probably why she's throwing out those little zingers. If you just act like you didn't hear them and go about your business, she'll have to find something else to use to engage with you. If it's something positive, then react.

If you're not reacting and she's still throwing out zingers, then you have to just work on ignoring them. All of our loved ones have things that annoy us. My mom asks me the same question every couple of minutes until I tell her that we've talked about it 4 times already or I get her on some other topic. It's beyond annoying. But she can't help it, as she has no short-term memory. So I have to adjust my reaction, since she's not going to change.

The other thing that REALLY helps is to have some fun/joy/friends in your life. When your life is limited to your mom and your house, little things will drive you up the wall. When you have outside activities to look forward to or things that you love to do that you can lose yourself doing, all of these little things are less important because your world is bigger and includes some good things too.
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It could be:

habit - did she always do this? Does she do it to or about everyone?
deflection - generalised dissatisfaction being concentrated onto the nearest target i.e. you
stream of consciousness that isn't, in fact, intended as criticism. My mother often says "AAH! THERE you are..!" when I come into the room, as though she's been on tenterhooks waiting for me for hours. It sets my teeth on edge. I have got a bit crisp about it sometimes, and pointed out that if she wants something specific she should press her call button, or else make an effort not to sound narky about being kept waiting. But actually I'm not sure she means anything at all by it.

The other one that gets on my nerves - I agree - is the assumption that I've been skipping off on a gay whirl of recreational shopping whenever I've left the house. I have literally come back holding her prescription bag and been asked "did you get everything you wanted?"

The thing is, though, I don't think they've changed their attitude. I think we might be getting allergic to it?!
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You might give her a small glass of wine at lunchtime. It helps my MIL see the world in a better light.
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My mom does this also - I think it's part the glass half empty nature of their personality. And that they're not happy and we're not making them happy. Sometimes it can a be a passive aggressive thing with little zingers. The only thing I found to do is to give a short answer "Because I like rice. There's also applesauce with your meatloaf" and disengage, leaving the room if need be. But yeah, it does wear on you.
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I know what you mean, frustrated. So much depends on how something is said. Some people have a negative mindset. Show them a butterfly and they'll see future tomato worms. There's nothing we can do but realize it isn't us.

I take it that you like rice and eat dinner with your mother. I run into this a lot. My mother doesn't understand that sometimes I cook something that I like. I don't know why this notion is hard for her to grasp, but it is. If I want to hear a long discussion on her dislikes, all I have to do is make myself an ear of corn. I love fresh corn, she doesn't. I should have bought creamed corn, since she likes it. (She probably likes it because they add sugar to it -- she's diabetic.) Things like this sound trivial, but it can certainly wear on a caregiver.
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