We've tried to contact her doctor but he doesn't reply. What are our options? Will her doctor routinely check her for dementia? She won't let anyone accompany her to the doctor. We don't know if she really even has an appointment. She claims its all her husbands fault.
Have your parents named their Healthcare Powers of Attorney? THAT should be #1 on everyone's list.
Do docs routinely check for dementia? I say "no." At least not one doc checked my mom. What would they do with that information anyway? Not like there's a test for it after all. If you spend time around her, if she's got demonstrable dementia, you'll know. Her husband certainly knows.
First stop: heart-to-heart with dad. If she's been having problems, he's probably lost.
Dad needs help to get this done for Mom. Just because Dad does not have any symptoms does not mean he doesn't need these documents in place. Without them not even Mom or Dad would be able to get necessary information.
Beware, Dad may not want to draft the POA's either, but they are necessary tools. My stepdad had my Mom listed as his POA's about eight years ago. Now my Mom is entering the late stages of alzheimers. Thank goodness I realized that Mom was his POA and had him change those documents about three years ago. Now my Mom would not be able to decide whether to cross the street.
Two types of POA's, standing and springing. Standing is valid any time. Springing requires incapacity as determined by doctors. I think standing is what you want to try to get done, so if anything happened with either of them there is someone else that can get information.
Due to HIPPA rules, they probably can't return your calls and talk about her health. While you are there at the office, have her fill out a new HIPPA form and list you and any other family members that might need to communicate with the doctor about concerns on there so they can talk to you.
In my experience, general practitioner doctors don't *routinely* check for dementia, and depending on how well she can cover and give the right answers, it might not be really noticeable if he only see's her once or twice a year. He'll ask how she's doing, she says fine, and he has no reason to believe otherwise . . . . .
I think at a minimum, a visit to the house to try to assess what is really going on is needed. You may need to spend a few days if you are out of town to really get a feel for what is going on. Your mom could be forgetting where she put things, your dad could be hiding things, or she just might want some attention from you. Impossible to say without spending some time and listening, looking and talking with them.