Mom is crying over stuff she cannot remember doing. Any advice?
I have a difficult situation happening.
Mom and I talked for days about what we should do after Dad passed. We are in a big house full of furniture and stuff. It costs a fair amount each month to keep this big place that is only partly in use. So, we concluded that lots of this stuff should be sold and we would get down to a small enough amount to move into a smaller 2 bedroom place.
But...now she is crying that Dad had no right to sell off her king bedroom set. (She hasn't slept in it for years, dad was the only one to use it......and..she is the one that decided to sell it). Crying over the loss a various vases....again..she decided to put them in a yard sale that happened months ago. It se ms each week she has a crying session over something. I stopped doing anything a month ago because I came to think it was stressing her out.
BUt, now I am concerned that I cannot trust anything she tells me. I am also concerned about the large amount of money this place costs each month to basically keep rooms with furniture no one uses. But, how can I believe she really intends to downsize to move out?
I cannot figure out to console her for the losses she feels were imposed on her.
How do I proceed? How do I help her come to grips with this?
Should I just accept that we will remain here paying top dollar for no good reason? I have worked out her budget every way from Sunday...and I figure that her finances will cover all her cost of living outside of a NH for her life expectancy. Even the in-home health aides each day. But, it won't stretch as far if she keeps paying this much for an unused big house.
Any advice is greatly appreciated.
8 Answers
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I consult her because I want her to feel connected. I could just do everything without her...but..she feels to left out! Finding ways to connect her to her own future isn't easy.
But...this big house is just too expensive for the two of use to bang around in. No one ever goes upstairs. The rooms behind the family room are never used. Actually only 4 rooms get any use..kitchen, living room, 2 bedrooms. That's it. Even the dining room is left to gather dust. Time to sell it off.
Thank you all. I will take your advice and begin looking for a good situation with a rental. We need access without steps if any kind...also walk in shower. It could take a while to find. I'll start tomorrow.
Your mom can't be your support through this. She isn't able to be. That doesn't mean you don't need support.
Perhaps therapy can help your mom as well. It's worth a try.
Anyhow, I experienced that with my own mother. I would ask her if she wanted to go somewhere with me and she would say no. Then I would mention days later that I went and she would say "I would have liked to come" I would remind her that she said she didn't want to and she would say "Oh, that never happened"
That is basically all cognitive related, memory lapses, etc. I would get into it with her and it would basically just turn into a she said, I said kind of conversation that didn't go anywhere. I would be left feeling like I had done something wrong and my Mom would probably forget the conversation 5 min. later anyhow.
Unfortunately, if it is cognitive decline brought on by increasing dementia there is really nothing you can do except go along with what she says at the time. It's frustrating I know but what can you do. I would have her checked out for a possible urinary tract infection cause the symptoms of that can mimick dementia but apart from that maybe get her in for a mental health assessment if you have not already done so.
I take it that your mom has dementia? Might some medication to calm her agitation be helpful? Or an antidepressant? Have you discussed these crying jags with her doctor?
This is so sad for her and so hard on you. I hope you come up with something that helps.
The family attorney has been involved directly with me through all the various steps and stages.
Still does not address the issue here. The crying fits over stuff she doesn't remember doing, How do I console her? Do avoid the future issue by doing nothing. I am certain whatever I decide on this the family lawyer to concur.