By that I mean that she appears to have lost any grasp on interacting with adults in a considerate manner. My mom is 79 and lives alone. My worry is; if she is treating her close family like this how is she treating the adults she interacts with in her daily life such as fellow attendees at the elderly persons' club she attends and when she makes purchases groceries for example. I spend more time with her than anyone else (I am the youngest of three girls) and and increasingly more worried about her mental health. Her father was sectioned and she will not approach her own doctor about her anxieties because she is terrified of being like him. Unfortunately, by not seeking treatment it seems she has rendered a possibility a certainty. I will give you an example re: her erratic behaviour. I journey home by bus and occasionally, as is the case with buses, they do not run on time. The other week however, the bus did not turn up at all and I calmly made my way to an alternative bus stop for an alternative bus (by the way where she lives is a sleepy suburb with a high percentage of elderly residents - perhaps the least dangerous estate possibe. She insists I ring when I get home so I rang to explain the alternative arrangements and all seemed well and she appeared to accept them. However, she took it upon herself to phone my sister (the middle one, the eldest lives a way away) and ask her to drive to where I was and give me an unwanted and unnecessary lift home. This is not the first time mom has made this kind of call and both myself and my sister have made it clear that it is not an option. My sister is a teacher and is busy working on prepping for the week on Sundays and there is no need at all to disturb her well earned rest time to make a journey that is neither needed or wanted. It is no option for me as if I could not catch an alternate bus I would get a taxi. My mom will not take this information on board however and rather than seeing it as 100% my journey and my choice, seems to feel she can steamroller over both me and my sister's feelings and make the intrusive phone call. On this occasion my sister did make the journey, stating that my mom was so upset on the phone that she felt impelled to meet the demand even though she knew I would be highly annoyed that I was being infantalised for no rational reason. We have once again reiterated that this kind of call cannot happen again but i'm terrified that she will take the same action again. She claimed that my sister did not mind (even though my sister has said more than once that it cannot happen again) and mom not react when I said that I was there and she was actually very upset that she had been called again and her request ignored. Nobody else's feelings matter to her but hers and I believe that should I cave in and validate her irrational behaviour it would be doing her a disservice. By this I mean if she starts treating other adults in a similar way it would in no way approve her grasp on reality and indeed speed up a deterioration in her flimsy grasp on how to interact with others. We attempt to calmy reiterate why she must not make the panic call and she appears to accept it but then repeats the behaviour. Am I fooling myself thinking I can get through and bring her back to rationality or do I have to accept that she has crossed the line into irrationality and cannot be reasoned with?
You and your sister just need to work together to ignore mom's over-the-top concern with your safety. Sis should have told mom she'd handle it and then texted you to ask if you need help and/or to let her know when you got home OK. You're both feeding into her concerns by giving her the info she needs to get worried. Don't let her know what you're doing if you know it will scare her. And if she gets overinvolved, ignore her instructions.
I would also tell her, "Mom, I'm a grown woman. I am NOT going to call you every day when I get home to let you know I'm OK." If you want to call her to check on her later, that's one thing, but she has no need to know your comings and goings. Wean her off of that overinvolvement in your life.
Do not give your mother information to panic over.
Why is your sister playing the game too? She can tell mum, I will contact sis and make sure she gets home safely. No need to get in her car. Why didn't your sister call you?
I have a similar situation where a family member does not want to acknowledge that they have mental health issues like their father. The more they resist getting an assessment and proper medications the worse they make the situation and more likely to wind up in the same bad situation.
Many years ago I met a woman whose mil would not go to the doctor if family suggested it. I said, call the clinic and ask them to call her for a check up. Often having the clinic call and say, it is time for your annual physical is enough to get them moving. That may not work for your mother, but is worth a try. Write down a list of your concerns ahead of time and make sure the doctor has a chance to review it before the appointment.
Keep in mind that if it's her memory, she can't recall what you have said before, or what she has promised. I'd try to not be hard on her, but, just offer her more support until you can figure it out.
I might make a list of the things you have observed, so you can tell the doctor. That might help him in his evaluation. It would also help if her doctor is a geriatric doctor and is familiar with treating people who have issues that often affect seniors.