Mom feels I’m keeping her away from other family members who have all abandoned her. Any advice?
3 years ago my older sister and her husband suddenly moved away from my 87 year old mom and her brother who my mom lived with. They didn’t even discuss the move with me or my mom despite the fact my mom had supported them financially for 30 years. My sister and her husband both weigh 500 pounds and have been unemployable. I was so angry that they abandoned my mom after all she’d done for them and I let them know it. I immediately moved my mom and uncle 3 hours away to my town so I could care for them. My sister doesn’t return my mom’s calls. They’ve come to visit twice in three years. My sister can’t fit her wheelchair through the door of my home and she’s been such a hateful person to me and my mom all her life —I no longer feel like she’s welcome at my house. For three years I’ve take my care of all my mom and uncles needs, taken off work for doctors/hospital visits, arranged hospice and assisted living for my uncle, grocery shopped, advocated for them financially, entertained them. I have a freshman in college and my husband has stage 4 heart failure. My mom is very controlling and manipulative and now that my uncle is in assisted living (he has two kinds of cancer) she’s lonely at her independent living cottages and starting to guilt me more and more for everything (I spent two evenings with her this week and she’s cries and says she feels abandoned. And now at the holidays she’s acting like I’m responsible for getting our family together for the holidays. I told her I would take her to see my sister if that’s what she wants but reminded her that they never call her or invite us to come. In fact no one in our family calls my mom because she drives people away with her negative toxic personality. My dad died when I was 14 and she’s all I had so I learned to overlook a lot to have a relationship with her. But I can’t be her only friend and I can’t deal with the blame and the constant guilt trips. This is starting to cause me to develop high blood pressure. I’m just 52…I have a great job and have to keep it because my husband may soon be unable to work and I have my own family’s needs to consider too—any advice?? My mom is 90 now and totally against assisted living.
4 Answers
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Listen, I get it - I have 2 sisters. One is awesome, and one, well, isn't. While I haven't cut ties with that one, I find myself less willing to tread on eggshells around her since my mom has now passed - which I did for many years because my sister was certainly capable of calling up mom and complaining to her how rotten I treat her. So I get having a sibling with whom you have a less than, shall we say, cordial relationship.
But that's not to say that your sister and her family didn't leave and cut contact with mom for very valid reasons on their part. Maybe they couldn't take your toxic mom anymore. Did you sister ever express those feeling to you either before or since she moved? It seems to me like mom and uncle lived with sister and you were three hours away, so you were somewhat removed from the situation, correct?
If you're going to have done with your sister, that's ok: it's completely your choice. But if you ever had/want to have a sisterly relationship with her, it might not be a bad thing to call her and tell her how hard it's been for you, how you feel like they "abandoned" mom and left you holding the bag; but you might be surprised at her response.
If your mom is as manipulative and toxic as you say, I don't think it's going to get better the older she gets, especially when your focus and attentions shift away from her and towards your very ill husband. Mom's feelings shouldn't be the only consideration here. And when mom complains to you about your sister not calling her - either subtlety or overtly blaming you for this lack of communication - tell her the phone works 2 ways, both incoming calls AND outgoing calls, and she is free to call her daughter any time she cares to.
Good luck.
She can stay where she is, alone and lonely. With you being able to visit 1 x weekly, biweekly, whatever works for you.
Or
She can go to a nice AL, where she will meet some very nice people and have activities.
Please put those boundaries in place and reinforce them every single time she bumps into them or you will become a statistic and then she won't have an advocate.
You need to stay healthy and the best way to do that, IMO, is not take responsibility for the consequences of her choices. Don't be her doormat and don't let her make you think for one second that you did this to her life. You didn't, her lifetime of choices has put her right where she is.
Doesn't her independent place have transportation and activities. Has she seen the AL ur Uncle is in? That would be a tighter community. She needs to understand that sorry, she is not your first priority. Your husband and family are. That you have taken over overseeing Uncles and her care. You are spread thin. 10hrs a day are put aside for work. That leaves u with maybe 6 hrs that needs to be spread out to be there for everyone. You do need to sleep. Most of that six hours should go to ur family.
Guilt is self imposed. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You have enough on your plate. DO NOT move her in with you. Its not your fault that her personality has pushed people away. Or her friends have left this world. She has to take advantage of what the independent living has available. If they provide transportation, she has to take advantage of it giving u a break. Boundries, you need to set boundries for you. What u can and can't do.
Sitting here thinking she doesn't think you visiting 2 days a week is enough, if that was my DH he would tell her OK, then I'll come once a week.😊
I know for a fact the more we cave to the pressure and manipulation, the more they see it as a viable solution to get what they want.