She and I are afraid that is she stops her meds before surgery (aspirin, Celebrex among others) she may have a recurrent mini-stroke or more seizures or that the anesthesia would progress the dementia, if she even survives surgery.. She has chosen to be fitted for a brace instead. She tells the nursing staff (she is in a nursing home) she is in pain (8 out of 10) but sometimes refuses pain meds (Ibuprofen and Tramadol, and a knee patch for pain). She is immobile and was in a wheelchair and only transferred to bed or commode even before the fracture. She sometimes refuses to eat (1 or 2 meals daily) and also has dementia (relatively mild). Some days she cries and sobs almost hysterically (she is already on anti-depression/anxiety meds). Hospice has turned her down twice now because she is on PT (only to try to get her to stand enough for transfer to the commode with full assist). What next? Do I back off and let her be as she is, do I try more "forcefully" to get her to eat? So frustrating. She was declining and on a pureed diet, had problems chewing and swallowing but "recovered" from that episode and is now on a regular diet as far as food, but still on nectar instead of liquids. Occasionally she will not respond to open her eyes and cannot use the call button but then this passes in less than an hour. Seems like her end-of-life issues come and go, worsen then improve dramatically. Has this happened to anyone else and what do you do on this roller coaster (she has no other children and my Dad died 13 years ago).
Regarding eating, I've learned my mom will eat when she wants to... and I have to accept that she just may not sometimes. Yes, I think she misses normal food, but pureed food is her only option as she has dementia and difficulty swallowing. Her body is not moving much these days so she burns fewer calories.
She seems to have made her wishes clear. I learned many years ago, they are going to do what they want to do. Let them be, offer help if they ask and as you said in your post -- ultimately it is her choice. Good luck and hugs.
The NH now smashed up her medicine into applesauce in order for mom to take it. I suggest you doing the same for your Mom. Is your Mom on hospice? Also, I've been told that when I feed Mom, she tends to eat more. Do you ever help with feeding?