My 88-year-old Mom lives alone, can not drive, is in poor health, and has age-related dementia. She is not interested in AL and insists on remaining in her home. I live close by and have been her go-to person for several years now. She asks for my help or for me to visit her almost daily. I've tried to set healthy boundaries with her over the years and have been pretty successful. However, lately Mom is becoming more and more resentful of me not doing what she asks. At first she was very understanding and would say for me to help when I could. Now she makes sarcastic and sometimes childish remarks when I tell her "no", and frequently becomes angry. She doesn't do this to anyone else but me. She is sweet to everyone when I take her places and is very appreciative of anything someone else does for her, especially my siblings (who seldom even visit Mom). But, she told me the other day that I need to "step up" and do more for her. She even told me that she raised me poorly because of "bad attitude."
Does anyone have advice on how I should deal with this? I would love to explain to her that her snarkyness makes me want to do even less for her and with her.
This happens alot even with caregivers but i have learnt that the best thing is agreeing with them and acknowledging their ideas are good. Then next refute her idea in a 'very strict/categorical no' answer with a 'BUT' word....argue your objection with a simple fact eg mediction she is taking or even the weather at that time. Like driving on a rainy or ❄ day if you are arguing about driving.
I got myself into therapy. I learn some skills on how to detach. When she starts getting nasty, that’s my cue, I end the conversation. I’m 53 and too damn old to have to walk on eggshells with her or with anybody for that matter.
Mother is too obstinate and too old to change. The change needed to happen with me. I set boundaries for myself. We are just mere mortals, we have limits. I know when I reached mine, I got help, not for her but for myself.
My Dad has been very similar. He has ZERO consideration at all.
I get comments like "where've you been". If I tell him I can't do something because of family commitments I get "well they need to understand" or "I need to make a bigger effort". Hes even told me many times "I need you to help me so you'll have to put me first".
I try my best to be honest. Without details I've got work, my own family, other issues as well. And he damn well knows this.
I've exploded a few times and he backs off - for about 3 days then hes back to normal.
I'm away this weekend. Taking my 5 year old to legoland (windsor, uk). Two nights away. All I've got so far is "ring when when you're away", "I won't see a soul for days" etc etc.
Its not as if he needs be to be honest. The more I do the more he needs. Hes just completely lazy and manipulative at times.
He lies and is deceitful. He'll tell me hes got no food in the house, hes not seen anyone for days etc then I'll find out my brother visited him the day before and went to the shops for him.
And don't even get me going on the fake chest pains etc. Couple of times thats happened. Thats his ultimate card to play if hes not getting his own way....