My MIL lives in a remote area in Northern Lower Michigan. She widowed about 10 years ago and since has a reclusive lonesome lifestyle, but says she loves it and is unwilling to admit that her health and age make her home and location too much to handle. We live about 4 hours south of her, so occasional trips to visit are possible, but frequent trips are not. There is no other family closer.
Recently she got lost driving to the store after dark. The Neighbor had to come rescue her after she stopped at a random house and asked for help. I have no idea why she left to drive after dark - which she normally never does. She is elusive on the details, and we believe drinking may be the issue.
We have contacted her doctor to inform her of the concerns, and are trying to ask a neighbor about getting more details, but due to the politics of the family/area we cant reliably ask the neighbor to help. Honestly I have no idea how to best proceed. Any thought's or suggestions would help.
My situation was pleasantly unique because my mom wanted to move into a senior living place. She was extremely lonely living by herself, had some clarity that she was mentally failing and wanted to be some place safe. I placed her in independent living because she demanded I give her a chance to live an unstigmatized lifestyle. She lived that way until she couldn’t. The senior place was well aware of my mom’s decline so it wasn’t a secret.
If your MIL can use a cell phone, god bless her. She probably isn’t in dire need of extreme action yet. Cell phones are still rather recent additions in this world so people with dementia usually forget how to use them early in their decline.
I really hope your MIL just has cataracts. My very best to you and your family.
Lots of good advice given here about your situation. This will take some boots on the ground. You need to see what is going on, is it dementia or alcohol or both? Do you need to move mom near you?
I lived 12 hours away from my folks when dad started developing dementia. I put a GPS device on his car and watched his every move for 2 years. When he started wandering and getting lost I stepped in and ended the driving. Mom was already in assited living at this point and dad joined her a few days later. It was a kicking screaming mess but it’s what I had to do to keep them safe.
I think that seniors, not all, get scared of being seen as a burden and worry about being stuck in a facility. Most of them have habits that they believe will be squashed if they get help. Drinking would be one, however, I have toured facilities that have happy hour every night and allow alcohol in the facility as long as the person doesn't get wasted and create problems.
Having a talk now and seeing what the real situation is can help you do research to find out what is available in her area. It can also help you understand how she feels and to start encouraging her to think about living some place where the store isn't such a journey and other things that would appeal to her.
Michigan is a totally different system than the rest of the country, we have some experts from MI here that will hopefully chip in and help you get pointed in the right direction.
Hugs and strength, this is a difficult journey to be sure.
So she drinks and apparently has been for some time. Alcoholic dementia and Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome are very real and quite prevalent these days. I work as a receptionist in a Memory Care community and we have a woman there who was found at the bottom of her staircase, unconscious, covered in blood, after having fallen down the stairs in a drunken stupor. She was then diagnosed with alcoholic dementia and placed in the facility where I work. She repeats herself incessantly, unable to remember ANYTHING, literally, and insists she's the only one living there who does NOT suffer dementia. Trust me, she does.
I think you have no other choice but to go visit your MIL for a week or two to see for yourself what's going on. Then make the necessary decisions about whether to sell her house and move her to Assisted Living or whatever you feel the next step should be. I would NOT be moving her into your home, however, especially having no experience with dementia..........it can be brutal and something ordinary people are NOT equipped to deal with. She would need to be seen/diagnosed/tested by a doctor, of course, but getting lost while driving is a hallmark sign of dementia/Alzheimers.
Best of luck!
I suggest making a Thanksgiving weekend trip to access the MIL's situation; perhaps you can arrange a Christmas visit to your home. Stating your concern over her falling or getting lost this winter, you might want to gift her with a fall detecting system (like SkyAngel911FD, $180 on Amazon) that works on cellular networks (but does not require a service plan so there's no monthly fee) where you press a button to call 911. Usually the built in GPS can tell emergency personal where you are but in some areas of low cell signal the GPS function doesn't always work. Because it's cellular based, it will work when away from home if there is cell service in the area. With a monthly service plan, it can be setup to call a friends list before or after 911, which could include you and local neighbors. If at all possible, get on the HIPPA list at her doctor's so you can discuss her medical status and test results with the doctor.
I would not discuss MIL moving at all until you have POA documents, a definitive dementia diagnosis and maybe even a statement of incompetence in hand. I recommend focusing on in home services or home updates to help aging in place; in fact, I would use that term "aging in place" as often as possible. A misstep here alienating MIL can have disastrous consequences at this stage. Decades ago a widow nearing 80 in my extended family developed a friendship with a good looking con artist in his 40s (describing him as the son she didn't have) and proceeded to give him everything: her car, money, possessions, and eventually her house. Until or unless MIL is deemed incompetent, she is completely free to gift her money and possessions to anyone she chooses. The next door neighbor coming over for drinks in spite of the fact his wife hates MIL may be establishing a similar relationship. He's there everyday to relieve MIL's loneliness while your wife is hours away living a life of her own.
You may want to consider hiring someone local to call and/or physically look in on MIL daily so you can better monitor the situation. I would not trust any report from the next door neighbor since he potentially has a conflict of interest.
1) A visit, to do a first-hand assessment, needs to happen. concurrent with that visit, I would schedule an appt with her doc near the end of the visit. The docs assessment may very well require a referral for further assessment from a specialist...or at least that was our experience with our mom.
2) Start doing some research on devices to assist your MIL...a smart phone would likely have gotten her home, a smart watch can detect a fall, etc.
3) If not already in place, contact an attorney and get all the legal documents in place for you/your wife to be able to help your MIL when it becomes necessary.
Elderly care is now a big business. There are so many opportunities, but there are also a ton of obstacles. I am 3.5-4 hours away from my mom. My sisters provide primary care and I go down once a month for a week or so to give them a break. It is not easy when they are not close by.
Prayers and peace to you and yours that you'll find workable solutions for your MIL.
Good suggestions here.
Contact the state about her driving. They will contact the sheriff and they will have to address it per their protocol. Or ask her doctor to make the contact if you are concerned about mom finding out.
Hopefully, she has her powers of attorney all setup. If she doesn't you may want to back off, just long enough, until you have the legal authority to do what needs to be done.
And get POA.