Mom has 4 delusions now, most costing me and money. How do I handle this?
Mom is 84 now, living alone out of state. I talk on the phone with her every day. She passes the cognitive testing in the doctors office, but I know she has dementia with up to 4 delusions currently. Because the doctor hasn’t deemed her mentally incompetent, she is of her own accord. She seems fine half the time, then one of the delusions enters the conversation. Here’s the list:
1. Her teeth are rotten in the front and she needs them fixed. I spent hundreds of dollars on dental insurance for her because I thought she needed a lot of work. Nope, not one cavity. Dentist says she looks good. There’s discoloration between the teeth, but not cavity. She wants to go to another dentist 😩.
2. From the past going on for years, bugs in the carpet, going on her, going in her body. Multiple pest control coming, finding nothing, charging fees. She bothers the management as well of this issue.
3. Paranoid delusion, the man next door is on her iPhone, he listens, he changes things on it, and is a basic scapegoat for everything she can’t do on it.
4. Me, I’m against her, I don’t stick up for her, I don’t believe her. I’m basically her only support.
I would really appreciate any suggestions. I realize there is no medication for this and it stems from dementia that she’s not diagnosed with yet, but I don’t know how to handle this craziness and not fork over more $ on needless situations. Ideas?
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I agree she should be checked for a UTI.
she’s not safe and will fall before long and that’s when the opportunity to force change comes in. She won’t be released alone with no support or she’s an unsafe discharge. Start looking now at assisted living places with memory care near you. You’ll have to sell her place to afford it. Don’t spend a dime of your own money.
delusional and demented people can only push their loved ones around because we let them. I spent my life in fear of my mother getting upset … my whole childhood revolved around keeping her happy or else she’d have a migraine. Turns out not my job to keep her happy. Complaining is her native tongue and favorite hobby. The last few years I’m now in a much better place because it’s finally occurred to me that keeping her happy is not my job and her lack of support is a direct result of how she is and how she treats people. she has had one psychosomatic ailment after another my entire life and has used these as weapons to control the behavior of everybody around her. Get upset mom … and call me back when you’re over it.
I once lived next door to a 70-year-old woman, "Faye," who wasn't often at home because she was a caregiver for another elderly woman across town. Suddenly Faye was around more, and she told me that she'd been let go. This made her sad, and she said she was suffering from depression.
Suddenly things started happening - for instance, lipstick marks someone slashed on my white front door. Then the same marks on my car, and they were all the bright fuschia shade that Faye wore. Someone destroyed a neighbor's flowers. Faye called another neighbor and demanded to be rushed to the ER (nothing wrong). She cornered me outside my house and said that she was worried about terrorists taking over a small water pump near the neighborhood pond. This was pre 9/11, and terrorists weren't considered a threat in the US then. Finally Faye's daughter came from another state and took her to a retirement place near her. Some of the other neighbors had told the daughter what was going on. None of us knew what Faye might be capable of next; she was doing aggressive things.
So you might want to cultivate some of your mom's neighbors and gather more info.
Job #1 is to get an accurate diagnosis. If someone has gone with her but yet she never gets diagnosed, then switch doctors. Also, record or video her while she's saying and acting in paranoid ways so they have other irrefutable evidence to work from.
Next, do not pander/cater to her paranoid whims like the dentist thing. Make up therapeutic fibs as to why you can't take her (and certainly do not pay for anything). You don't have to argue whether what she believes is true, just don't let it control your time.
I would definitely ask about testing for UTI and talk about medications. Is anyone her PoA? Or Medical Representative? If not, then helping her when she's not cooperative will be very difficult. I wish you success in improving the care arrangement and getting answers!
Stop paying for pest control.
Is someone going to the doctor with her?
In many cases family members just have to wait until there is some possibly catastrophic event that puts into motion the help that is needed.
You can begin by holding off on "help" and letting things begin to unravel. A call to APS then might be a start.
There is a good possibility that the management of the building where she lives is not going to be happy with repeated calls about bugs.
Who manages mom's finances?
Is anyone POA for Health or Finances?
Are you listed on your mom's paperwork at the doctor's office that you can get or give information (HIPAA forms) without your name being on that form they can not give you any information and if you contact them they can get info from you but can not comment on it. The important thing is if you are not on the HIPAA forms if mom ends up in the hospital they can not give you any info..if they even contact you.
No one goes to the doctor with her. She’s in great physical health, so she manages her apartment, food, appointments her self. I took over her finances this year and do them online. She barely gets by, hence, why I shell out $ for her. I have MPOA and on HIPPA, so I’m able to discuss with nurses through a patient portal, but to little avail.
When you say, “put into motion”, what does that entail? What is the process and goal, if you will? What would I even say to APS? And what would they do? She would probably never talk to me again if she found out I called APS. Would they take her from her apartment and put her in a nursing home?
What kind of help do you think she needs? I don’t want to make her situation worse. I already feel inadequate…
No one can stop you from pouring money into these bizarre claims but yourself; Mom should pay for her own dental visit. If there is assessment of care needs, and you can afford to help, then have the dentist call to discuss. If you can afford pest control check then pay for it if you wish to. Once. And etc. I know you will understand what to do in these instances in future.
I would suggest that you not take on the POA for your mother if you do not intend to live nearby. It would be impossible with someone who is uncooperative to do from out of state. You may wish to call APS for a wellness check. Dependent on what they report back you may be looking at a visit to mom and arrangements for a good neuro psyc eval. If there is a need for guardianship and placement you can decide if you wish to do this, if there are other family members who may, or if your Mom will need to be a ward of the state.
Meanwhile, don't react to these delusions such as dental care. If your mother is still capable of living alone, then she is capable of her own dental appointments.
I sure wish you the best. Eventually, as this progresses it is going to come to a head. I know you are aware of that. The question then is can you/do you wish to be involved in care, assessment, placement, guardianship and etc. I am so sorry. No one chooses this, and you aren't alone.
I have heard about NOT taking POA when you live away from the person, but then who takes over responsibility? Wouldn’t I be better than nothing?
Two options:
1) Find another doctor who will make a more sensible diagnosis of her situation. Then get POA (if you can) and get her into appropriate care to deal with all of this. This will take a visit, probably at least a couple of weeks.
2) Walk away. This situation is very difficult to control, and you don’t seem to be deeply involved emotionally. Let some other authority deal with it.
Work out what YOU are prepared to do, (including paying for delusions). Stop wishing that other people would change – they won’t, and have no incentive to change. You have all our sympathy, whatever choice you make. Just don’t jeopardise your own well being, because your mother’s situation is not able to be solved.
Best wishes, Margaret
I agree on getting another doctor. I just don’t know how to do what’s next.
I was emotionally involved years ago. She lived with me and my family 7-8 years ago when my dad passed, before this dementia started. She stayed 3 years, but hated it. It took a toll on me, and I ended up on medication sadly. I know now, this is what they do, and you have to take care of yourself. So she wanted to go back to AZ, and I sent her. I warned her when she left, I can’t fly out on a whim, she’ll be on her own, etc. It’s only been this year that I started verbally deciphering her deceptions.
Although true, it was hard to read, ‘…your mothers situation is not able to be solved.’ I wonder if that will be me one day.