Mom has not moved out after 7 months of looking for a place. She has already lived with me for 14 years. What to do next? She needs to move.

For some reason I can't edit my post and I just posted it.

Read your profile when u first posted so reread it after my post.

You definitely need to just move her. Do what you need to do. Like I said what is convenient for you. Get the place all set up and then drive her there. When you get there, explain that since she could not come to a decision, you had to do it for her. So, here is her own home. That you will check on her everyday at a certain time to see what she needs. Probably after work because you cannot make personal calls, nor receive them, while at work. Make sure she understands that. (Check on could be stopping in or calling) Yes, she will be upset. But, seems she brought this on herself. Sometimes people need a push.

If you go ahead with this, you will need to set boundries. What you are willing and nor willing to do. I worked when my Mom stopped driving. So one day a week was set up to shop and run errands. I gave Mom a white board to write things she needed as she thought of them. Or, you can set Mom up with Senior bussing to take her to appts and shop. Your Office of Aging should have a list of resources available to Mom.

I do feel for you. So good luck and come back and tell us how it worked out.

Just my 2cents here.

OPs profile mentions Dementia/ALZ. Can Mom live on her own? Because Dementia worsens. The woman has been living with her 14 years. But then there is probably no money to place her in a AL. So OP is between a rock and a hard place.

After 14 years will Mom be able to pay rent and bills on her own or will OP have to manage it? My Mom was the one who handled the money in my family but in the early stage of Dementia, she started to forget how to even keep a checkbook. OP just can't say "here's your new place Mom, see ya". And I doubt OP will because she says "Although this is not an easy place to be..." Her Mom has relied on OP for 14 years. At 71, 76 is not that old to me but it may be too old for some to adapt to change.

The only thing I can see OP doing here, is pick a place convenient for OP and move her. Mom can't or won't decide, then OP has to do it for her. Maybe once Mom is settled somewhere it will give OP some breathing room. Then she can go from there. If Mom has a Dementia and eventually its found she needs 24/7 care then OP can place her in LTC with Medicaid paying if there is no money.

I’m going to repeat an answer I gave that got buried, after Geaton made a perfectly reasonable comment about me not knowing the eviction law in the US. I said ‘Mother has been stalling and stalling and stalling, and nothing happens. There is just a chance that actually being removed (to a hotel), a lot of fuss with the hotel, and the police turning up and hearing all about it, would convince mother that she can't continue to stall and expect nothing to happen. Even here, where I do know the law, I also know that the unexpected often works, particularly with people who think that they can't ever be forced to do the right thing’.

Of course she's still there! She has no intention of moving, even if you've told her it's time. You could show her Buckingham Palace as her new home and she'd hate it.

Why would she want to move? She's in your home and has you to do for her. It's been 14 years and she's fine with how it is. Nothing will happen to her if she never finds another place; she's certain you won't make her leave. She doesn't care if you're suffering.

If she has dementia, there's no "pick a place, mom". You have to pick one and get it set up. I don't know anything about getting POA or Medicaid or anything, but many on here do.

BPeacefl, does your Mom pay rent? When I was a young adult living with my parents until I got married [that was the norm way back when] I paid rent. So why not have Mom pay you rent, unless she already helps pay for part of the groceries, part of the utilities, etc.

Does Mom have chores to do around the house? If not, why not? I know from your profile she can be very stubborn. If she does help, just add more chores to her list. Maybe that way she may figure it would be better to have her own place.

Your hubby must be a Saint to have his Mom-in-law living with you both for all those years.

For any person looking for a place to live is daunting. To a person with dementia it is impossible.
YOU choose a place that is appropriate and by this I mean a Memory Care facility. Complete all the required paperwork. Most likely she will have to have a physical and some tests prior to moving in. Then move her in.
If she has not been declared incompetent she can refuse to enter a facility. So you have to have the proper diagnosis.
Do you have POA?
You might have to obtain Guardianship in order to move her if you do not have the authority to do so.

In 7 months I would imagine she has looked at every place available, though given Covid that may not be possible. FunkyGrandma makes some good points about the dementia. Is there a diagnosis? Because it is looking as thought you yourself will have to do the work on this, and the actual move in. Have you a POA? This isn't as simple as a tenant/landlord situation in which a lawyer can suggest the steps for eviction. Is more complicated. The fact that your Mom has made no progress in 7 months assures us that she has no intention of/capability of doing so. She has been there for 14 years. Why would she imagine anything is going to be any different.
I think much of how you proceed now depends upon her condition to really find a place and move into it. I doubt she is capable of that.

You say in your profile that your mom has dementia or Alzheimer's on top of everything else. She probably needs at this point, to be placed in a memory care facility. Has she been formerly diagnosed with dementia, and do you have POA? If so you have the power to place her in the appropriate facility.
And if mom doesn't have the money for her care, then she/you needs to apply for Medicaid. You need to stand your ground, and let your mom know that what you say is what you mean. You've been more than generous to allow her to live with you as long as you have. And worse case scenario, like ZippyZee said, you may have to start legal eviction proceedings. I wish you the best.

Start formal eviction proceedings.

What is her financial situation? Are you POA?

Could you and your family move house? - and then just not take her with you.

It looks as if it's going to take something unconventional and perhaps initially extreme-sounding to change your situation; it's been going on for so long that it is evidently not an issue you're able to solve in the ordinary way. But also your mother is quite young, you state in your profile information that she has dementia but nothing else in your description seems to indicate that, and it can be hard to change a person's view of you when you've let her get away with her learned dependency on you for so long.

If she *does* have dementia, or is otherwise mentally unwell, it makes a big difference. Has any of this been formally investigated?

I’m writing this in total ignorance of US law. Still, sometimes the unexpected works. Take her to a hotel, change your own door locks, and leave her and the hotel reception with the list of good places for her. Then stop taking calls.

Your profile states your mom fights with you and can even be verbally abusive. You've done the right thing by giving her time and pointing out other residential options. She obviously doesn't believe you'll force her to get out (or, she is literally not able to process this). She may be inwardly terrified, since your profile also lists she is 76 and has dementia. Does she have an actual diagnosis? Are you her PoA? If you are not her PoA I would attempt to convince her to assign you as her PoA. Then, when you are able to take her to the doctor and she gets an actual diagnosis of cognitive impairment, it will be "easier" legally and emotionally (on you) to do what it takes to pick a new home for her and move her out. If you are never made her PoA you will either have to pursue guardianship or call APS and have the county pursue guardianship. You can check on the protocol for eviction in your state, but you will still need to help her find a new place to go and figure out how she's going to pay for it (if she's even capable of carrying out basic tasks like writing a check). Teepa Snow is a dementia expert who has many informative videos on YouTube about dementia and how it changes people and how to better understand and engage with someone with dementia. It may help you to figure out how to handle your mom's situation. If money is an issue and your mom qualifies for AL, some state Medicaid will cover that, not sure about yours. Otherwise, all states cover MC or LTC but she must qualify for that level of care for Medicaid to cover it. Then she will hopefully qualify for Medicaid. Maybe try calling social services for your county and have a discussion with them -- they've seen it all and might have good guidance for you. I wish you success in finding a resolution that works for the both of you, and may you gain peace in your heart and in your home.

Get a 'needs assessment' through the local area agency on aging. If she is "independent" then get a lawyer and start eviction procedings.

The next time she becomes verbally abusive, call 911. File a complaint and/or have her transported to a psych hospital.

Frankly, she sounds mentally ill to me. She needs more help than one human being can provide.

Refusing to move is sometimes actually lack of judgement, processing & planning skills. Or sometimes may be cultural or long held expectations. Or maybe just stubborn!

Involving a third party may add insight & get things moving.

Have you had an elder assessment done? To investigate what care needs your Mother has & where can that be best be provided. If not, book it.

Care needs may be on a scale from;
1. Independent (like the Golden Girls)
2. Partial Independence
a. needs a little help
b. needs a lot of help
3. Dependant (significant help required most ADLs)

So you can see if Independant Living, Assisted Living or even Skilled Nursing is required.

That would be my start.