Mom has not spoken to me since Thanksgiving and will not talk to me again until after the first of the year. Anyone else have this problem?
Anyone else going through this?
I know she is upset because she is alone, and I'm sorry. Holidays have not been great for my family, nothing tragic but not good. No money growing up, not a close family, and usually in fighting with the family. I'm usually a bit depressed over the hoildays beacuse of not having a close family relations with my mom. I have not spent enough time with her over the hoildays in the past. It does not feel like a hoilday at her house, I'm not talking about gifts...There is always so much stress and bickering going on. I do feel bad this year but I don't want to kill anyone in the process. She will not answer texts or phone calls. I guess I would rather have a nice zoom on Christmas with my daughter than nothing at all. Am I being unresaonable? She put out so little effort in our relationship, I'm tired. I feel a bit guilty this year beacuse of the election, I did not really want to go. She was so nasty to me about the election, I did not want to hear it over the hoilday. And no, I did not bring it up. I do respect people have different views than mine. I try to keep my views to myself. She speaks everything thats on her mind. I don't know what to do....
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I try to do nice things for her, and she tells me to stop. So I do. "Stop bringing me delicious Italian food that I love b/c the stupid caregivers can't heat it up properly." Okay, I'll stop.
"Don't come and see me for a window visit on Sunday, I'm not feeling all that good."
Okay, I won't.
If she decided to stop talking to me from Thanksgiving until New Years? I'd put out the flag & consider it a VACATION. A reprieve from all the BS I have to put up with the other 300+ days a year she loves to dish out.
Whatever your mother tells you, believe her. If she's telling you she's a passive/aggressive mean woman, believe her.
She had better be careful though. Because the day after New Years, when she's finally ready to stop her pouting and talk to you again, YOU may not be ready to talk to HER.
Careful what you wish for, mother. It may just come true.
My mother thinks the phone only operates one way, me calling her.
I used to be upset over it. Not anymore.
I learned that if a person continually behaves a certain way, then it is a character trait.
So it’s foolish to expect a different behavior.
Once I accepted this fact, I was at peace knowing that her behavior has absolutely nothing to do with who I am.
It isn’t about your worthiness. It is her behavior. This is who she is.
As for the holidays, don’t buy into it.
I love the spirit of Christmas. I hate the commercial side of it so I refuse to put that kind of pressure on myself or anyone else. That isn’t what Christmas means to me.
I do not put a manger scene up any more---it seemed a mockery. Christmas is a family time, I play the music I love, buy thoughtful gifts but have cut back immensely as to what I DO to gift my family. DH looks at me every year and says "This is ALL you bought??" . To him, since he cannot voice feelings, buying stuff is how he functions. The joke is, he happily accepts the 'thanks' from the kids, but never once acknowledges that he had NO IDEA what had been in any given bag. He runs to Walgreens at 9:45 Christmas Eve and I get whatever leftover crap they have (unless one of my daughters has already bought, wrapped and given him something thoughtful for me. They got tired of seeing me trying to not cry as I pulled unwrapped packages out of a Walgreens bag every year).
After 46 years together he STILL hasn't figured it out.
I used to work so hard to make that one day just perfect and some years ago realized I could not. It was the ONE day of the year when I felt the least Christlike and once I acknowledge that to myself, I quit trying to cram all the good feelings and traditions into one day.
So my take? 364 days, Jesus is the center of my life, 1 day a year it's the gluttony of gifts, kids and food.
Dh is not speaking to his mother this year. He plans to not call nor see her. Whatever he chooses is fine with me. I'm not involved in her life anymore. He's calling her bluff--wonder how it will work out.
2020 has not been a great year for anyone. I am VERY grateful my cancer is in remission and that my hair all grew back. And that I am slowly getting well. I have a beautiful family and enough love to sustain me. (Cancer really makes you stop and think).
I don't have time or space in my life for toxicity and so anyone who IS toxic, gets zero airplay.
I Love YOU ALL--seriously, I look forward to the hour I spend here. Enjoy your families as best you can, or take a break. Find somewhere to give service and make that your Christmas!
Wishing you and your family blessings and happiness in the days going forward.
Liz
As to your Mom, she shows with her behavior who SHE is. There is nothing in the world you can do about who SHE is. You can only be who you are. And clearly you are a caring person. So simply care, and send a lovely note once a week. Pretty card, nice little note, and end with "Thinking of you; hoping all is well with you". Then get on with your life.
She is attempting to punish you. But she isn't WITH you. So let her steep in her own meanness, and let it hurt only her. Respond with love or gentle humor, and forget about the rest of it.
My current partner and I have been together for 35 years. The best thing he ever did for me was teach me that a disagreement is words in those seconds, then it is over. You had your mini explosion and now life goes on with the basic premise that you love and enjoy one another. He can't hold a grudge for three seconds. Holding grudges is warfare. It is meant to punish. I had a girlfriend years ago who lived in the flat downstairs. I then was the "grudge-holder" type. She hurt me and I withdrew; wouldn't speak to her. She however continued to speak to me with sweet words. Finally after a month I shouted over the clothes line "You ARE aware I am NOT speaking to you, RIGHT!!!!" and she smiled and said "Yeah, but I like you lots, so I AM speaking to you". How could I continue the grudge?
So just ignore it. Send a lovely note. Like "Hi, the magnolia is in bloom. So pretty. Hope all's well", Love Mathis. And forget about her for the rest of the day.
Great response and I love the "girlfriend" story - that's funny, I can actually visualize that one!
Growing up there were 4 of us kids. We lived from pay to pay. Dad worked OT to get us presents. We each had our "pile". We didn't get all year, you know a toy everytime we went to a store, but my parents tried to make sure we got what we wanted for Christmas.
Mom always cooked the meal and others were invited to join us. That continued until my Dad died. Then Mom got invited to my brothers. MIL moved to Fla. We would go down for Thanksgiving but Christmas we stayed home with the kids. It was their day. No more big family dinners. My girls miss that but not much I can do about that. One daughter has two sons, the other no children. It was hard adjusting but my Lasagna for Christmas is now a tradition, as my Gson says. Its just the 6 of us. No more gift exchange, we use the money we would spend on each other and help a Mother and Son. I do decorate but don't send cards. I have learned to enjoy the peace and quiet.
The elections in the last 12 years have broken up friendships and families. I choose not to get involved. I think social media has not helped. Too much false news out there that people believe. Used to be your could believe what was in the paper and on the TV news, but no more.
Please, don't feel quilty. Why should you spend a rotten holiday with people who will bicker and stress u out. I wouldn't want to go either and I would tell Mom that. Send her flowers saying "sorry just can't make it this year, Love" When we r younger we tend to do things for others we really don't want to but we do. As we age we finally realize, why can't I have it my way. You don't have to be religious to go to a Christmas Eve service. A lot of places have take home Christmas meals and they r good. Bake some cookies. Decorate a little. Zoom that daughter. Sit back and watch a Christmas movie with a cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows. Enjoy the peace.
You have tried to explain to your mother that going physically to her house to see her over the Christmas season, with the risk that you will merrily give her a lethal virus, is a Bad Idea; and as an alternative you have suggested a special, scheduled Zoom visit.
This has gone down like a lead balloon. Your mother is having a sustained sulk.
When you have said or done something that is correct and necessary but has upset another person or persons, the only consolation is to say ruefully to yourself "it is better to be right than popular."
Is there a compromise available? Sure! You could say "oh well, if it'll make you happy we'll come to your house with our gift-wrapped microbes and civil disobedience then. Is that better now?"
The fact that there are also other subplots, such as its being quite a relief not to have to rehearse the election with her while you're trying to have a festive time, is neither here nor there. It might *also* be true that you're not sorry not to go, but the main truth is that it isn't safe. 2020 is a write-off. No one will be gladder than I am to see the back of it. God willing, come Christmas 2021 we can all gather round the tree and argue about something else :)
Meanwhile. Get the most decorative card you can find and write her a lovely letter. Write to the mother you like and love (so much easier when the real life warts and all version isn't right there, poking all your buttons). Mail it. Feel better x
There were some trying to guilt them into coming... Sure we'll miss them but it's just how this year is.
Sorts the flexible from the inflexible (the gracious from the selfish).
Thank-you for writing this post! It's good to know I'm not alone in how the holidays are for me. I totally get everyone's responses to your post and can relate myself to every single one. Every Christmas until I was adult in my mid 20's, my mother around a week or so before the holidays would start her tradition of picking a fight with me. I have siblings, but she never did it to them. She'd work on me a little bit every day until right around Christmas Eve there would be the big blow-up she wanted. I'm sure everyone here must be thinking what parent would do such a thing to a little kid as Christmas? Mine that's who. My adult relatives would then chastise me about what a terrible, nasty, and ungrateful kid I was. My mother would get the sympathy she craved from them and enjoyed my embarrassment from being scolded by my family. She wanted to ruin Christmas for everyone in the family, but do so indirectly. She used me as a tool to do this. She wanted to spread around as much misery, disappointment, and ruin as she could but wanted to avoid getting the blame for it. She didn't want to be there because she was jealous of family who had better than her. My uncle was the only one who didn't feel sorry for her because he knew what she was about. He was good to me. I remember how I used to dread the last day of school before the Christmas break when I was a kid because I knew that's when she would start up on me. She didn't want to try and be happy and enjoy the party with her family and needed a reason for why she sat there with a long face and her head down all night complaining about me to whoever would listen. When I wasn't a little kid and a teenager anymore she couldn't keep up her holiday tradition with me. My family of course think I'm crazy and that it was always my fault. Even my siblings thought it too because mom was so subtle in how she'd work on me to make sure she got the blow-up and big fight for Christmas Eve that she wanted. In my adult life she tries to ruin the holidays by either working herself up into an anxiety attack or with the gloom and doom bullsh*t that I get daily from her. Around the holidays I get it double. I tell her if she doesn't want to come on Christmas Eve then don't. If she doesn't want to sit down with us and eat the nice dinner I cooked, then don't. What she wants is for me to coax and beg her to join in. I will not do that though. That's my little gift to myself. I will not do it.