My mom is 71, lives at home with my dad and is very able to get around on her own. My dad wouldn't dare say anything back to her because he will pay for it in guilt and her dragged on frustration rants. I'm the only girl and the youngest of 3 with a full time job, 3 teenagers in sports and very rarely time to just be by myself or with my husband. My mom includes herself in every single thing I do, if not, I'm ignoring and avoiding her. She has to have my location on her phone and see my calendar so she can be at every single event I go to. This resulted in her making her gyno appt the same day, time and place as mine! I had to travel for work and my location stopped at the last airport and she was freaking out, texting and calling my cell phone which didn't have signal until we landed again. She immediately goes to crazy thoughts. She came to my high school reunion and inserted herself in my friend conversations. At any sport events (multiple times a week) if she’s not sitting between me and someone I'm trying to talk to, it means I'm ignoring her. I do love my mom very much but if I'm not giving her every detail of my day to day she says I'm ignoring and avoiding her, then cries to my dad for days. She gives me snide comments with huge guilt trips. If I make a post on social media she over analyses and has to know why and what's going on. Sad if I bought something for myself with out her knowing or including her first. Gets upset if I don't want to talk about every detail (including intimate) about me and my husband. She comes on all of my family vacations and it's just exhausting tending to her feelings instead of my family.
My husband gets more days off from work than I do, he and his dad went on a day trip fishing. I got the biggest guilt trip that I don't take take off from work and take her out on a day of shopping.
I do have a brother that's also in town, he does some with her but not much. I have asked him to do more, help me find her a friend or a hobby. Something. I have a horrible feeling of claustrophobia and have put on a fake act when she’s around so I don't hurt her feelings.
I've tried tough love and it got worse - she cried for weeks. Do I need to talk to a doctor about this? She is not diagnosed with anything to my knowledge. Am I being heartless for not wanting to tend to her feelings more?
The only way mom is going to be able to know all of your business and run all of your business is if you go along with it and allow her to.
Your father doesn't cross her because he has to live with her.
You don't. Stop letting her nosiness run your life. Put your foot down.
The End.
I shut that nonsense behavior down quick. I have a right to go out for a meal with my ex-husband and our boy without having to keep an entree hot in the car to bring home for her. She makes snide comments about my ex-husband in front of him, but not directly to him. Usually we ignore her, but sometimes she has to be told to shut up and no one cares what she thinks. I told her that at some point I'm moving back with him and she will not be coming. So she's doubling down on the snideness, negativity, and passive/aggressive attacks on us both. I ignore her. My ex-husband does too. He never really saw that much of her anyway and she wasn't at our wedding and most likely won't be at out next one.
I've been doing the give her a bottle of water to not dehydrate from crying for a long time.
People have to protect their own mental health from these emotional vampires who use passive/aggressive guilt-tripping, negativity, and indirect snideness to suck the life out of the people who actually help them. You protect yourself by either cutting these people out of your life completely or by learning to ignore them when you need to.
Here's a good article on Passive-Aggressive behaviors:
https://www.excelatlife.com/articles/crazy-makers.htm
And here is another good article discussing the 25 signs of Covert Passive/Aggressive Narcissists:
https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/
Another good book is Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend which you can purchase on Amazon or eBay.
It's not okay for mom to USURP your life. Seek the counsel of a good therapist who can walk you through how to set down boundaries with her, and how to back away from mom to some degree in an effort to save yourself and your immediate family. How to put yourself first for a change.
**I see you put down Alzheimers/dementia that mom suffers from. OCD behaviors are part of Alz/dementia so I assume this obsession with you has worsened over the years? She needs a visit with her doc/neurologist along with YOU to discuss medication to relieve some of this OCD/anxiety she is suffering from.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
I think perhaps it's you that needs to speak to a doctor, preferably a therapist or psychologist to find out why at your age you still allow your mom to rule your life.
It's time to say enough is enough and let the chips fall where they may.
The alternative is start going to places she'd not want to go to. Go to a strip club and welcome her with a big smile.
What are your boundaries? Do you stand firm with them?
She is controlling your life, your well-being. IMO, you are too concerned about her feelings and not concerned enough about you, your rights, your life.
Guilt is a self-imposed emotion, fueled by fear, what are you afraid of? Losing her love?
You do understand that she is manipulating you, big time.
I would sit her down and be honest, if she cries let her, she will get over it. Set your boundaries and stick to them. You have taught her how to treat you, you are putty in her hands.
You are not responsible for her happiness; you are responsible for yours.
Stop telling her everything, it is not her business, you are an adult, that means you are her equal, demand your position in life.
If you cannot take back your life on your own, I might suggest therapy to help you regain you.
I understand this will not be easy, however, you are entitled to a life! My best!
It will be difficult for you to change because this is the "known" for you now, and you--though you may be uncomfortable with it--are "used" to this way of interacting. Any change will represent an unknown that can at first be terrifying. You will need support.
At 71 your Mom should be directed to her own therapy if she is having trouble crying "for weeks".
Love never has to be tough, but it doesn't have to be a prison either. This sort of very unhealthy actions and reaction can be treated kindly. But playing into this hand is harmful for both you and for Mom herself.
You are in charge of your life, from how often you answer your phone to what activities are appropriate to share with your Mother. You are NOT in charge of Mom's life, actions, or reactions. She is responsible for that.
Do seek help. You will be glad that you did. Not about your MOM, but about YOU. I wish you the best. Change will at first be difficult, but when you see how much happier you are, you will be so grateful you took the courage to do it.
You are not responsible for your mother's happiness. You cannot "cure" her, she doesn't even see this as 100% dysfunctional behavior. You have a co-dependent relationship with her that is 100% abnormal. You and your father are parties to this, and you are the only ones that can stop the impact of her actions on you by putting up clear and strong barriers. If you do this, expect blow-back from her but do not back down. She is going to do everything to run over and disrespect you and your boundaries and if you let her, nothing will change and it will be your choice that nothing changes. It is not going to change on its own.
I think you would really benefit from seeing a therapist to help you identify boundaries and strategies to keep the up and strong. Your mother is a sick woman and when you allow her outrageous intrustions, you give her the impression that what she's doing is acceptable. It isn't. I wish you all the best.
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