Mom has vascular dementia, moved her in to AL on 4/11/21. Am I doing the right thing by not answering her calls?

bbooks5720

So glad to read your update! You've done the best you can and it seems to be working.

For the others criticizing you or the staff for doing/suggesting to stay away, this is COMMONLY done. It isn't to be cruel. It ISN'T abandoning them. It is placing them in a safe place and allowing some time to adjust. ANY move for someone with dementia is difficult. Don't make it harder on those who have to make this decision. Having done all the prep work, I left it to my 2 brothers to do the actual move. It had to be done with a fib - she was adamant she wasn't moving anywhere. I took the suggestion VERY seriously. Due to hearing loss and difficulty with phones, I didn't set her up with one. I also didn't want her sitting in her room all day. Engage with others. Socialize. Get out of the bedroom! She did have them call a few times, but she couldn't hear me, so that stopped quick. I waited about 2 weeks. Never did she ask me to take her home. She did hound my YB to take her home when he showed up. After 9 months, she forgot the condo and was focused on the previous house we lived in. Sometimes it takes some subtle digging to figure out where "home" is, in their mind.

Multiple calls/day could be similar to them seeking you out at home and asking the same questions or making the same statements over and over again. Often they aren't aware they are doing this. YOU notice the calls and it can tug at your gut thinking the worst, but it isn't. Maintaining contact with staff can help assure you she's doing fine, as you learned.

"It's probably been harder on me than her." In one comment, I mentioned a similar issue with kids, when they first go to day care or school. There are some who REALLY throw a fit, crying, begging to go home, etc. The comparison ends with the behaviors - our parents are NOT children. But the staff at schools and day cares deal with this and distract the kids and get them engaged, until they finally realize this isn't so bad! We feel bad to leave them there, clutching for us, crying, etc, but it's an adjustment period and we should not feel guilty in either case.

"It's day by day right now. I am experiencing some sort of weird guilt/relief sort of thing where I went from doing LOTS of stuff for my Mom and constantly worrying about her safety day and night, while working, having a husband and 2 daughters one of which still lives at home, to nothing. I feel bereft...I think that is the proper word."

This too shall pass. When the time is right, you go visit with mom, bring her treats, take her out for a walk or a quick bite to eat somewhere. It does make you realize how much time her care was taking from your own and your family's needs. Now, however, instead of having to worry, provide various types of care, etc, you go back to being a loving daughter and ENJOY time spent with her!

"I want those of you who may think I'm heartless to understand that I cannot properly care for my Mom anymore. She's in a good place where they can support her needs and she is safe."

I'd like those who think that way to understand they likely have NOT been in your (our) shoes and are making statements like this because they have NO understanding about how this works. THAT is wrong. THAT is cruel. THAT is insensitive.

It is indeed a hard decision to make, but oftentimes it is the RIGHT decision. You've done the right thing for your mother. Very soon you can visit her and spend good times with her instead of care-giving (not stop caring, just the work!) You will have to learn some tricks and tools, such as how to distract her, redirect her focus and how to exit gracefully. Sometimes they can get focused on something, like asking about going home - this is where knowing how to distract and redirect comes in handy. Exiting the facility takes some doing. It may eventually be easy to do, if she acclimates really well. Sometimes making excuses like using the restroom, going to work or having an appt can smooth the way.

Best to you!

bbooks5720: I did see your positive update regarding your mother. I am glad to hear that she is settling in.

You are Absolutly Not doing the Right Thing!

Do Not Listen To That Nurse!

It's insane for your mom to be put in a unfamiliar place and then you Not call her.

CALL HER NOW AND CALL HER EVETY DAY AND ANSWER HER CALLS.

SHe is going through a lot, she doesn't need to add to her pain by you not talking to her when she calls.

All I can say what I do is to put myself in the other's shoes. A phone call mho is a simple thing to do to make another feel so much better.

In a new place where formally she was in close proximity - (which means security), feeling whatever - abandoned, loney, with strangers so on). I used to call my friend, a young man dying, every day and visited once a day (and made arrangements with other friends to fill in when I could not). And when he finally went to the hospital I did the same. (as well with my mother I had a bed put in an adjacent room and slept there at night - I wanted to make sure in both cases that all was well). I was working 70-80 hour weeks, and part-time nights and double major in night college. And I was exhausted, but having been in the hospital myself knew how it can be.