My mother has been in a lovely NH near me since November 2012. She frequently obsesses on leaving, going somewhere "nicer", i.e. a newer assisted living facility where she'll have her own apartment (currently has a private room), a dog and a cat, and hot and cold running nurses to wait on her hand and foot, which she has now - whining crying phone call this afternoon ... again.
She and I looked at an AL facility back in 2008 before I came to care for her and that's what she's fixated on today. Two days ago she was bent on opening a small store in the NH - with Parkinsons, dementia, a broken hip and another stroke in the last few months her speech is almost unintelligible and she cannot sit up or stand by herself or get to the bathroom, sometimes in a wheelchair, but mostly bed ridden.
A nurse accidentally knocked her very old touch table lamp off and it doesn't work any more. I will buy her another but she's now fixated on getting the NH to admit fault and buy her another.
An A1 narcissist, her whole life has been all about her and her wants and nothing and nobody was ever good enough, always yearning for and chasing "pie in the sky". I explained to her (as I always do, time and time again) that she's well looked after, wonderful staff and there's no way she can move (up) to AL.
She has no friends and there is no other family so I'm "it". We've never been close - she was a real "Mommie Dearest" - but I have done my duty by her and then some. I know it's just the disease, combined with narcissism, but as her condition worsens I've taken to turning the phone ringer off at supper time to preserve my sanity. For me there will be no escape or freedom until she dies.
Please don't tell me to agree with her. If I did she'd fixate totally on that, get the staff to start packing her stuff, the NH would be calling me constantly to see what's going on, she'd be calling me constantly anxious to go choose "somewhere new and nicer" and I'd likely just abandon her and the whole mess, just making sure her bills are paid and she has all she needs..
Time to rebuild my life ... I've aged terribly and my hair is falling out due too years of stress ... I am so done with this cr*p.
She's 87, had dementia for many years which is quite bad now, Parkinsons for 15 and a number of strokes over those 15 years. When I visited recently she asked "Is dad here?". I just said, no, not today - he passed away in 1998.
A few months ago she was bound and determined to gift a ring to a friend, had me take it to be cleaned and deliver it. Ever since she frets how she misses it and regrets it so I asked the friend to return it, which she did - now the friend is mad at me!
She keeps trying to give me the big screen tv I bought her - nope, have a tv of my own and I know within a day or two she'd be grizzling and I'd have to hire someone to haul it back there again. She's been obsessing over a pink jacket that was "stolen" and I asked at the lost & found. Staff ran all over looking for it, then I found out it was supposedly stolen when she first went there in November 2012. I don't recall it and it's probably imaginary. She's convinced people are stealing her chocolates as well.
I know it's the dementia and narcissism but she's always got a great kick out of jerking people around, pulling one over on them and watching them run and these days it just gives her something to do ... sadistic really. The one friend who has visited a few times thinks she's ok but, like so many, she puts on a "show time" for outsiders so people think I'm exaggerating.
This weather isn't helping either. The wind's howling across the fields today and it's -28. I'll take my dogs out to the backyard with a warm coat on the little one while I fill the bird feeder. I don't know how the poor wild creatures survive.
Any day, whatever time I visit, there are only one or two cars in the visitor parking and there are 60 residents. No-one else seems to have someone who runs their errands and visits. Before her last stroke, on two occasions there was a bus trip to Walmart and a resident could only go if they had someone with them. On each occasion I was the only family member going along, the rest were staff and I followed the bus in my truck in case she got sick on the journey and had to be taken back then pushed her all around the store, being careful to stay in mid aisle as she kept grabbing at things. I've gone above and beyond for her for years and I've totally had enough.
I have no family and friends tend to avoid you if you're on a downer so I've no-one to talk to. Thank you for listening and taking the time to comment.
You've gotten some sound advice, here. Find your lies, closest to the truth, and don't diverge from them. "We tried at the other facility .. you don't meet the criteria." "Mom .. you told me to take care of things, so I am." (She DID give you POA.) Deprogram her phone with your number in it. Don't write it down. Instruct the facility that calls to you must be supervised .. er .. all calls must be supervised. If, when you visit, she rants on and on .. get up and leave, telling her that you'll come back when she has another topic to discuss. Repetition and consistency will eventually sink in. Maybe .. just maybe, she'll turn her frustrations onto the staff and THEY'LL insist she be seen by the doctor.
If you can't connect directly to the doctor, talk to the hospital administrator and remind them that you always have access to the ombudsman and that you're very concerned for your mother's welfare .. if the doctor can't find time to treat your mother, maybe it IS time to move your mom to somewhere that she's be adequately cared for.
And, don't accept the excuses. There ARE none for not properly advocating for the patient. Most facilities are overrun and understaffed and it isn't until you grease the gears that they move. Been there, done that, wore the dang t-shirt.
Best of luck and let us know how it goes.
I hate to think of you in your nice new town worrying about being identified as a drug dealer! Can't you go to the local store or cafe and chat with the people about your mother and her worries? Let them know a few details (carefully chosen by you) about your life. They will love you and be on your side. So many people have elders who drive them nuts. They will identify.
Certainly explain things to the police before she does make a call. That alone will make you feel better.
This is just my philosophy that if you don't hide things, people will think you have nothing to hide. I know it doesn't work for everyone. God bless you.
The doctor does the best she can but, frankly, most of the residents have one foot in the grave and the other on a banana skin so there's little she can do for them. My mother is in no pain whatsoever.
Veronica the NH is ace with the most wonderful staff, some of whom have been there over 30 years. They're hot on cleanliness, laundry and bathing. There are 2 dining rooms and when someone can no longer feed themselves they are moved to the dining room where they get fed by hand one on one. She could have it no better.
Next time I visit I'm going to provide her, in large print, phone numbers of 2 so called friends - she would never move near me because "I have so many friends" ... so I gave up everything to move and care for her to discover she had no friends at all. Let her call those 2 and drive them batty. They never visit and after the first call they will never answer or call her back but it will keep her off my back for a while.
Oh, and while whining at me today she wanted to know why her bank statements and bills came to me instead of her. Well sugarplum when you get mail you just chuck it in a drawer and you can't even write your name. I found a phone bill some time ago that was 3 months overdue! Now everything comes to me so I can keep track. I have POA and complete control, which at this point is totally necessary.
From here on I make sure all money is conserved, pay her bills and ensure she has everything she needs but my phone ringer stays off and I may well have to avoid visiting.
IF it would save a lot of hassle and stress, consider giving the new lamp to the NH to present to your mother with their apology. You'll have to judge whether that would make things better or worse. Keeping things calm is more important than "the truth."
Anxiety is definitely a health issue. The doctor must be told about this (find out how to get on his/her visit list). Unfortunately there is no pill for selfishness and lack of empathy, but at least treat what can be treated!
When she starts obsession on the ALF (which she is most likely not even qualified for), leave the room. "I'm sorry, Mom. There is nothing I can do about that. Shall we talk about something else? Otherwise I'll have to leave."
My heart goes out to you. You certainly don't deserve this!
The other thing for you to realize is that doctors are not God. The NH Dr is paid for his time and that includes taking adequate care of all the patients. just because they are at the end of life is no excuse for neglect. They feel pain and anxiety just as much as anyone else maybe even more because so many of them are abandoned. You may feel like running away and that is perfectly understandable but that is not going to solve anything. You have taken responsibility for your mother's welfare and that includes mental and physical health. If the Dr does not have time to properly care for your mother it is up to you to make sure he or she does or know the reason why. Be there on the day rounds are made and participate in the visit. Do not allow the staff to shoo you out you have a right to be there and if you are denied lay a complaint with your state health board. If Mom is as much of a pain in the butt to the staff as she is to you they will certainly support medication and make sure she takes it. if Mom is on Medicaid/Medicare contact them too is you feel her care is not adequate. for instance do you find her call bell is out of reach when you visit. Does she smell of urine and/or feces. Are her bed linens clean her clothing freshly washed. Is the facility clean or does it smell bad too. this is clearly a facility that looses a lot of patients every month which in itself is not unusual but they have a right to be mentally and physically comfortable at the end of life. This is not meant as criticism of you, you have had a life time of dealing with this woman as your mother and are certainly due for some respite. Blessings
Yesterday she wanted to know my full address. Nope, just gave her the name of the nearest village. If I don't answer the phone she'll call 911 and have the cops on my doorstep - did that 20 years ago when I didn't answer the phone and she was totally sane. Just a control thing but I'm never going there again.
Sunflo, good idea but if I tell her I'll look into it she'll be on the phone constantly wanting to know when she can go there until I'm ready to either commit suicide or run for my life.
My only option to preserve my sanity is to have the phone ringer off a lot. Next visit I'll give her phone numbers of so called long ago friends so she can call then and drive them batty. Of course, after the first call they won't answer or call back but it will give her something to do and keep her off my back for a while.
You can always inform staff or NH director of your little white lie.
When it becomes too much, tell her if she wants to move she has to arrange the new facility herself. She won't because she isn't capable to get the number, make the call, answer their questions, etc....
My mom threatens me with stuff all the time. I reply "good idea, you have the power and control mom, so make things happen". Then if she brings up again, I reply "oh yeah, how'd that go? When are they coming?", etc. She will then ask me to please call or whatever and I say "no" this is your business and you know what you want so best if you make the call".
It's no fun, but quiets her temporarily because she can snap back and realizes her limitations.
I guess the only thing you can do is do what you can and protect yourself as much as you need to, whenever you need to. You've done your duty and now you're just running out the clock. That sounds terrible, but you're still taking care of your mom. Nothing says you have to cherish every moment. Well some folks on here will say that, but not me. And like PStegman says, maybe some medications will lessen her OCD/obsessions. At least you can come on here and vent when you need to and not feel alone.