I'm 69 yrs old and oldest of my two sisters. Mother is 89. When I was 26, my 50 yr old father suddenly passed away with no warning. He was the peacemaker in the family. Mom has always been very narcissistic and controlling. After dad's death, she was single for 17 years. So at my age of 43, she remarried. She's always made it very clear that we know Ron as our step dad. In my opinion, he is her husband. He has never raised us or helped to raise us.
He has not been a father figure, although he is friendly. Maybe it's just me, but every time we go visit mom and Ron, she will tell us 4 or 5 times "Ron is your step father". I have responded in many ways. I have reminded her he is not my father, he did not raise me, he has kids of his own and doesn't need another one, I've ignored her which made it worse, I've tried changing the subject. I've even agreed with her but really think she wants us to call him dad, which we refuse to do. Does anyone have suggestions on how we could handle this? We're to the point that we dread going to visit them. Who knows, perhaps she doesn't want us to visit?
She's really struck on us accepting him as our step father. To us, he's a friend and moms husband. When she says this over and over, I think it's embarrassing for him. He just sits and stares at her. He has 3 boys and 1 daughter of his own. Thank you for any suggestions.
My mom was married to her 2nd husband for more years of my life then she was married to my dad. Used to pull the same nonsense, signing cards mom and dad, your dad this, that the other, blah, blah, blah. So, I started calling him Paw and her Maw, he hated that and told me to stop and start calling him by his name. She couldn't play her games anymore, because I wasn't the one that put a stop to calling him a term of dad. He wasn't interested in being treated or treating us like family, yet she wanted to control us and disrespect my dad with her actions. It is very sad what parents do to show they are the boss.
My dad on the other hand, married a thang that was younger then any of his children, so I told her if they got married I was going to call her mommy. Made her nuts. She wanted the respect and authority of being married to my dad but wouldn't let his grandchildren call her grandma, that's what got me started with mommy. Who snaps at a 5 year old that sees you as grandma because you are with grandpa?
Actually, it was a most wonderful time watching my mother fall in love. Not very many people get to witness that. She was like a giddy 16 year old..."He held my hand", "He kissed me", "We danced". "We went to dinner and a movie". They were both living in an AL place. We had even met his wife and shared meals with both of them. After his wife died, he sat alone to eat, and really didn't have much to say. A couple of days later, my mother asked if he'd like to sit at the dining table that she and 4 others sat at. Before that, he and his wife sat with 4 others at a table next to where my mother sat, so she knew both he and his wife of 31 years. She understood the pain he was going through, as my father had died just 4 years earlier. They quickly became good friends. He was a blessing in MY life. I didn't have to do EVERYTHING for my mother. She was bubbly, and outgoing again. She had a reason to live! And then there was the sex. Finally, I had to tell her that I wanted to play the daughter role, not the best friend role... she didn't need to tell me everything!
We were absolutely blessed to have Pops in our lives! When my mom passed away, he even said that I made the transition so easy for him. He wasn't my dad, he was my Pops! I still keep in touch with him.
Same family had a retirement-age aunt who married for the first time. The "kids" (who were really adults) refused to call the groom "Uncle so and so" even though the bride was indeed their aunt. Well, the guy is still their uncle - even if they don't call him that, but the constant insistence that he be called "uncle" and the constant lack of compliance in doing so drove a wedge between multiple family members and a rift exists to this day.
By definition, he is your step-dad. But I know people who call parent's new spouses by their first names. I called my MIL and FIL by their first names. So did the other SILs. I already had a Mom and Dad.
Do they BOTH have dementia? Or is he taking care of your narcissistic controlling mother?
I think I would refer to him as "my stepdad" and continue to call him by his first name. Is this worth agitating her over?
It sounds like she's always been difficult and dementia usually magnifies the personality. Pick your battles.
They always introduced Ruth as their stepmother although goodness knows she REALLY had nothing to do with raising them. It was just a title and nothing more. They obviously never looked on her as a mother figure -- she was their friend -- and I know it stuck in my mother's craw that to me, she was my grandmother. (Her mother died when I was four, and I have no memory of her.) However, she was good to my grandfather for the 13 years before he died, and we only lost her three years ago at age 94.
Tell your mom that "yes, I guess Ron is my stepfather," and leave it at that. Technically he is, but that doesn't come with any rights or responsibilities you don't care to bestow on him. Just acknowledging his title will have to be enough for her.
And thinking back on this it was really very odd. My dad passed when I was 12, he was 42. Mom stayed single until her 80th birthday, marrying her high school beau. We had met him a few times when we were kids. He lived in Virginia, a very long way away.
But, they married when old, heck I was 50 when they married. The last thing I ever thought of him as was dad or even step dad.
He will probably prefer Ron as you've always called him that, but up to him to tell mom.
Calling him dad is off the table.
My mom has Alzheimer’s so I see it in everything, but if she hasn’t always done this, if this is a new-ish behavior, consider if she has a UTI , or maybe she got the beginings of dementia and doesn’t know she keeps bringing it up. It sneaks up on families… if her short term memory is affected then you can have the same conversation multiple times. Ron and her household routine may be helping cue her so she can get through her day.
This is an issue your MOTHER has; not her husband and not you. Take the matter up with her privately, arrive at a resolution, and then let the matter be. I'm sorry your step father is being put in the middle of such a ridiculous situation.
Traditional etiquette says to always call (address) people what that person wants to be called.
Wondering what his boys and daughter call your mother? Even though Ron has been accepted into the family, he is your mother's husband, not your step dad.
With deepening dementia or Alzheimer's, we try to deflect the conversation.
Have a conversation with Ron, and you decide what each of you want to call the other. It should not be "Dad", imo. Does he call you, "Daughter?"
A nice man has entered your mother’s life, she cares for him and he cares for her.
What is your intention by making an issue of this situation? You are certainly not obligated to call him “dad”, so ignore her requests for you to do so.
How would her life be different if he weren’t in it? Wouldn’t you and your siblings be asked to do more for her than you’re doing now?
If he’s functioning as a “friend” to you and your sibs, THAT’S GREAT, and she’s lucky to have him as her husband.
There are many things about your mother that you don’t like, but you are adressing THIS situation as though you could make it better by charging at it head on, and you can’t.
If you can manage a peaceful interaction with her and her husband, LET THIS GO.