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Mother had a hip replacement in March (?) around then--spent 8 weeks in rehab then came home (lives in an apt with my brother's family). For the last 8 weeks or so, she has been falling, the last 2 weeks, she has fallen every single day. She has a "fallen down" alarm pendant, but it rarely works as she really just blacks out and slumps to the floor, so the alarm does not go off. She is too weak to push the panic button on her own. Last week she laid on the floor from 11 pm to 5:45 am when she regained her ability to push the alarm. She also loses bladder control when she has these episodes, and her ability to speak for a length of time. She's covered in bruises, but can't tell you how she got them. She falls only between 10 pm and 6 am...never during the day. Out of 5 siblings, only 2 of us really take care of her. I went yesterday with my hubby and we put in a bed guard rail--but she wouldn't let us install it the "correct way" because it would have meant moving a little side table she has..she completely flipped out when I showed her that to install it correctly we'd need to move this table--screamed at me and said "You have taken everything from me...I'm keeping that table"...I know at that point to walk away.
Realistically, even is she is having mini-strokes, there is nothing we can do. She is able to take care of herself.....barely. I go there 3-5 times per week, and do what I can, but I make her angry, so I usually don't stay long. She says very hurtful things to me, and yes, I know I am supposed to let the comments roll off my back, but they still hurt. I guess I am wondering if this passing out and falling down is leading to a bigger stroke, or if this is a normal part of aging. (She's 85). I don't know how my brother handles it-- she will happily use up every minute of every day he is off work, when I can step up and do some of this for her--she won't let me, b/c she doesn't like me as well. We cannot get the other sibs involved, they just don't want to be. I guess I'm just venting, but I do want to know if this blacking out and falling is something to be concerned about...or if it's just more of the aging process. Sure wish she could be nice to me.....when she passes I am going to be so exhausted and sick of her unkindness...I don't think I will even care--and I know how awful that sounds.....she can say the cruelest things to me, and I am still trying to learn how to let it go. I'm trying to clear her apt of obstructions and falling hazards and she's screaming at me that I am trying to take all her things away from her (a ratty kitchen rug, a bedskirt that trips her up, a bag of wet depends she leaves in the hallway....) I don't get her at all. I REALLY wanted to move her to AL but the other sibs all said NO WAY--well, THEY don't care for her, so it's easy for them to say. They have not seen her the day after a fall when she is incoherent and covered in fresh bruises. Just wonder how long this can go on.

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She falls down in an apartment where your brother lives? Tell him the next time she blacks out to call 911 and have her admitted to the hospital. Psych meds may make her a happier person. In any event, you need to find out why she's falling/blacking out. She might have a uti. Important to have her worked up by a competent team, including a geriatric psychiatrist. Onceshe is in the hospital, her living conditions need to be aassessed. Frankly, it doesn't sound like anyone in the family has a grasp on the situation.
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She falls down in her apt which is connected to my brother's home. I agree!!! She needs to be assessed--but no one but me feels this way. I tried to call a family mtg with all 5 sibs and NOT ONE OF them would come. She says she has a dr's apt in APRIL and will check it out then. I don't think she will live that long. She does not have a UTI, that we know. I think she's having TIA's and will eventually have a full blown stroke--I can't take her against her will, I can't override my sibs' decisions to leave her be. I do NOT think she is capable of living "alone" as she is, but my idea of "cleanliness" and "safety" are not held in any regard by the family. (I worked for years in Elder Care, so I DO know what I am talking about here). My hubby was with me last night and he was appalled at her state--he hasn't seen her in almost a year. He agrees with me that she needs attention, but he has less say that do I. Thanks for your words of support!! I feel very alone in this situation.
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The siblings are in denial. She needs at least assisted living, which will extend her life. A few more falls at home alone will land her in a full-on nursing home far sooner than you think. Talk to her MD, I think he would agree.
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Repeated falls are a warning sign that there is a problem. If the warnings are not heeded, she is likely to break a hip or worse. Does her doctor know she's falling this much? I bet he would not think that's okay.

I'm not sure who has legal authority over her, but it seems like she's in dire need. She could have any number of medical conditions or progressing dementia. I wouldn't wait for something drastic to happen to get her attention.
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I will also add that my cousin suffered repeated falls and it was later determined she had had multiple strokes and had Alzheimers. She went from walking with cane to wheelchair in only 2 months after falls caused fractured spine and hand.
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From what I have read on the forums, I would recommend you go back to your Mom's residence and remove those bed guard rails immediately [if you did install them].... an elder can get tangled up in those rails if they try to get out of bed, or they will scoot down to the end of the bed to get out. There are rubber mats you can put on the floor beside the bed to help on any falls.

As others have said, you need to find out what is causing the fainting. Is she still on any type of pain pill for her hip replacement, that could easily cause the fainting and loss of bladder control. Or it could be an inner ear imbalance. Or she can't feel her feet by the time evening comes. Or a knee that give out. Make some excuse to take her to the doctor.

Blacking out isn't part of the aging process. My Mom is 97 and has never had a fall. Yet my Dad who is 93 is always tumbling over as he is losing his balance doing stuff he shouldn't be doing in the first place.
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It is hard when you are the one doing most of it, you have a clear handle on the realities of the situation -- and the siblings can't or won't listen to what you are seeing.

If possible, I would try to get her to an appt. with the family doctor over these falls and blacking out incidents. You could fib and say the doctor called to remind her of an appt. she "already" had scheduled if you think that would work. The spells do not sound like a normal part of aging, and the fact that it happens at night is making me think there is some medical answer -- think about how when your kids were sick and it would always get worse at night, you know?

Your instincts are spot on, there is something going on and she needs to be seen and evaluated. I think you are wrong about not being able to override your siblings wishes. Since they are basically not involved, I think that leaves you in a great position to do just exactly what you think is right. They may show up later and complain, but you can say you did what was needed, and likely the doctors will back you up.
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Thanks to all of you for your comments. As to my siblings--the brother with whom she lives will not let me take her to the dr. I am going to call her dr anyway and report what is going on. My brother is really kind of keeping her in this "tower"..as it were. The other 3 simply don't see her, maybe once a month, or they'll send a card or call, briefly.
My brother stated that this is part of her "living will" that she doesn't want anything done to "artificially lengthen her life". I disagree with the wording of that and the lack of basic concern about the falls. When I go to mom's to clean or to visit, all I hear about is the drama of the last fall. She very recently was checked for a UTI and does not have one. How do I just haul her to the Dr? She is very feisty, and doesn't much care for me. Any time I suggest anything (such as a CT scan following the really bad fall on Monday) she says "Oh let's wait and see what R has to say" ...as I am grinding my teeth in frustration. R is the brother she lives with, what he says is pure gold, as he is an EMT and she thinks he knows everything. BTW, the bedrails are coming down tonight. That was $100 wasted on something she thought she HAD to have! As we installed them I was thinking "this is such a bad idea".....oh well----
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Mid, I get your concern and how much you worry about your mom. But as an adult, she made choices. And if that choice was to throw her lot in with your brother then you are not obligated to wrest her from his care.

My mil ignored warnings to stop smoking (she had copd) and when my husband would visit and try to reason with her over this, she would threaten to report him to APS. She chose her youngest to be POA, someone she exerted total control over. So that when she decided to starve herself to death after open heart surgery, he said "fine, okay, this is what mom wants". People who are competent make choices. We don't have to kill ourselves "fixing" these things.
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It sounds like a living nightmare for you, I'm so sorry.

Well. You could go over her head. Take pictures, take them to her doctor, outline the living situation and recent history, etc. etc. But to be honest you'd just be covering your you-know-what. Because, whereas one would normally agree that your brother is being an ostrich and the other sibs - well, goodness knows what they're thinking - your brother has an unusually good case for not taking this further. Also, it sounds as if you've no questions about your mother's capacity? So even if you did appeal to higher authorities, if she's competent and she says no… everyone's on a hiding to nothing.

What DOES R say, besides referring to the living will I mean? If she's keeling over for no obvious reason it sounds like a blood pressure issue, wouldn't you think? Is that side of things under control? But rather than some herbert on the internet (i.e. me) guessing, I'm sure you'd rather just get her checked over: and I don't believe R can justify withholding *all* medical treatment on the basis that she doesn't want heroics. It's not the same thing. As you say.

Meanwhile, at least it won't be you with the broken hip. I can't think of anything else very comforting to say, I'm afraid. No teeth grinding! - you'll make your migraine worse. Best of luck, hope you get somewhere.
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Well, I'm about to propose the unthinkable - call APS because of her situation, which is an adult in danger because of inability to take steps to protect herself from injury. When they see her all bruised up and brother is next door and doing nothing to help her, plus blocking her from getting timely medical care, you won't have to be the bad guy in this any more. Waiting til April is not OK. She is not safe. She did not say she wanted NO MEDICAL CARE, just not artificial life support. Feel her pulse - if it is irregular, she needs that looked at ASAP. She could very likely be found not competent given a decent geriatric evaluation; her being verbal, recognizing familiar people, and doing whatever self care she does does not mean her judgement or even her orientation to reality is intact. I would guess that she is sundowning and getting her seen later in the day could help them to pick up on deficit areas most easily. To be brutally honest, she probably has a better excuse for her irrationality than your siblings do. And to be more brutal still, and I'm sorry if this is too much or too far over the line, I *hope* that "R" is simply in denial and not expecting to profit from her demise as early as possible, because that's what ignoring this will lead to. Over 6 hours laying on the floor can do great harm, including pressure necrosis of skin and/or muscle (rhabdomyolysis) and along with the inability to get any food or fluid for that period that could be the end of a sad story.

This isn't about bedrails. It's about denial and failure to protect a vulnerable person, whether she is nasty because of depression or misjudgement or because she's been nasty lifelong does not matter as much as the simple facts. She is living alone with an alert button she cannot and does not use, and under those circumstnaces probably should not be. There is no guarantee APS will do the right thing, but you will have done the right thing by making the call. I'm sorry you and hubby are the only rational ones in the family who can see this is no good, it is a heavy burden to shoulder, at the risk of alienating siblings to boot...
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Midkin, someone needs to sit your brother down and explain to him that finding out what is causing his Mom to faint or black out and fixing it is NOT the same as "artificially lengthen her life".... that's a whole different ballgame, like cardiopulmonary resuscitation [CPR if she had a life threatening illness], or inserting a tube into her throat and connecting to a machine to keep her breathing for weeks on end.
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You are insisting that you know more than your mother on how she wants to live her life. No wonder she gets so angry with you. Can you step back and see her point of view. She doesn't want a lot of medical intervention, no Dr visits, no tests. My Dad is the same way. He values automony over safety. I think he is nuts, but I respect his wisdom, and his need to run his life his way. Sometimes you just have to wait till something happens.

My advice step back. Allow your mom the dignity of running her own life. Sometimes are parents are nasty, because that is the only way they can get us to back off. Trust her judgement. You and she can just relax and enjoy each other.
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Usually a living will only kicks in if the person is deemed terminal in 6 mos. Until that time, you are supposed to get medical care for people who need it - withholding care would be neglect at best. Make the call to APS for suspected elder abuse.
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Again--wow, thanks for being a place I can come to vent!! Yesterday I was so sore (back problems waiting until Jan for back surgery, some days are pretty bad)..Hubby sent me to the spare room after work with an ice bag and a painpill...at 8 pm , I get a "panic call" from mother's lifeline. I did grab the phone & got to actually TALK to a person about mother's lifeline calls & how they were set up (mother was fine, she'd fallen but was up and getting ready for bed with the help of my niece)..the lifeline person told me I was #2 on the call list and whenever the panic button was pushed, whether or not mother is immediately taken care of or not, all 4 of the people on the call list are called. EVERY SINGLE TIME!! This is the 4th time in a week I've been called, the 1st time I actually got to the phone. I called R and told him I'd been called and that I had talked to the lifeline services and said that THEY were concerned because Mother has fallen so many times in the past week--THEY think she needs to be evaluated. R yelled at me and said she was HIS "problem" and it was none of my business, that there was nothing to do for her. I challenged him on this and said "She shouldn't be sitting in her kitchen chair and just FALL OVER! Something is wrong!" After begging with him to allow me to take her to the ER today for a simple evaluation and to check on a possible UTI--he said I could not do that, he wouldn't allow it. Said she is old and that is what old people do-they fall down.
I came upstairs and told my hubby about the call. He blew up. (This is a man you CANNOT get riled up) He said "you get yourself OFF that calling list and step AWAY from your mother's care. It's killing you. If you won't do it, I will do it against your will, for your own good". whoa----so I am doing that. and this am I am retrieving the bedrails and walking away from it all. I will still visit mother, but I cannot fight R, I cannot fight my mother and I cannot fight the 3 other sibs who do not care what is going on.
However, I very likely will call APS and report the situation. Mother is going to die, and sooner rather than later, I know that, but I want to see her have a better quality of care until that happens. Thanks all for the wonderful answers and support--I do feel so very alone in this.
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I'm glad your husband said that because if he hadn't I was going to. What in heaven's name is the point of calling all four every time? Daft as brushes.

Big hug. What I wish for is that you will soon be able to enjoy spending what time remains to her with your mother, instead of its turning your hair white. Best of luck.
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I LOVE the British euphemisms!! "Daft as a brush..." Indeed! I'm officially off the call list (not w/o some guilt inducing comments "I can't believe you'd do this") and hubby just called to make sure I did in fact get off it. Sister is angry, but I pretty much never see her anyway.

As to the other commenters: Thanks to you also. I am not going to step out of mother's life, but will greatly reduce the amount of time I spend with her. I do no understand R's denial, nor can I figure out why he will NOT allow me or anyone else to take her to the dr or an ER. Last night he was yelling at me "I will NOT see my mother in some MRSA ridden, urine stained facility in her last days"...I said "Hey, calm down, I am suggesting we have her checked for a UTI and maybe a CT scan to see what's going on. I am NOT saying drag her up the street and drop her at the front door of the nearest nursing home". On my way now to pick up the bed rails and say hi. R will be home, but he sleeps a great deal of the time. Not hoping to interact with him today. I doubt, BTW, he is thinking of an inheritance..there isn't anything to inherit. Our oldest brother (deceased) pretty much sweet talked mother out of most of her liquid savings over the years.....she has a small SS pension and that's it. I can't see that R would want her to die sooner rather than later. I just want what we all want--for her to be happy and independent--but the independent part if gone now. We just need to work together to help her be happy. (CountryMouse--my hair is mostly white now--I raised 5 kids before I had to raise mother)
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I think I sort of suspect where he might be coming from: the idea of a colonoscopy was mooted (and rejected, in the end) for my mother a while back, and I canvassed opinion from anyone who wanted to voice one. Most were against it, on balance (including me), but it was only my uninvolved brother who reacted with absolute horror to "putting her through that." It sounds as if your brother dreads setting foot anywhere near any path that might lead her to geriatric Bedlam, and has lost all sense of moderation. He's not being rational. What would he do if, God forbid, she cut her head through one of these falls? Patch it up with glue, rather than risk sutures and a scan?

I can't believe your sister has the gall to be angry. No one minds making useful sacrifices, but there has to be a point. What does she suppose is the point of your being rousted out in the middle of the night only to be vetoed by your brother?

I have a card I've been waiting to send someone (if I can think which of my friends won't think I'm getting at her) which quotes Gloria Kaufman thus: "a mother should be neither cocky nor proud because she knows that the school may call at any minute to report that her child has just driven a motorcycle through the gymnasium." Five! I've only got three and I'm still getting over it :)
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It sounds like she may have sundowners since it occurs at night. Their mood changes and they sleep walk and etc. Please have her checked for sundowners.
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I did talk to my brother yesterday, and he apologized to me--seems like mother is pretty adept at playing each of us against the other--for example-I was AT HER HOME yesterday at 12:40, removing the bed rails. I commented that she seemed pretty dressed up. No answer as to WHY she was dressed up (she always hangs out at her apt in housecoats or PJs, only gets dressed if she's going out) R was home, but I was in and out in 5 minutes and didn't talk to mother, other than to ask how she fell off a kitchen chair--she said she didn't remember. Later that day, I went back to R's to get something he had for me, he informed me that 5 minutes AFTER mother was supposed to be at a dr's appt, (@ 1:20) she came and found him and informed him that they'd missed it. He asked her WHY didn't she ask me to take her (as I was right there!) or why she didn't just come and get him , as he was simply doing some yardwork and could easily have stopped. No answer from her. He did call the dr and re-schedule for next week. R and I discussed this at length, that she hides from each of us what she wants and plays us against each other for maximum sympathy. She KNOWS this appt was to discuss the continual falling and look for possible reasons--(altho she had repeatedly told me she didn't have an appt until April, she knew all along she had one yesterday). We will all make sure she gets checked thoroughly.
And BTW, R has the power to change the calling list from her panic button. My sister, who set it up, and swears she has always been 2nd on the calling list, was not even on it. R put only the people who actually live in his house on the list (4 of 5 of his kids are over 21 and certainly able to care for mother). They can always call 911. R is beginning to wear out, and he is not as in denial about Mother as I thought. So, altho he refuses to entertain the thought of an assisted living facility, he is getting sick of the manipulation. He did tell me to take a couple weeks of respite and jusy not come see her-he was going to call the non-present sibs and give them "assignments" to come see mother, clean her apt or take her to appts. They don't call or come unless something dramatic happens. I will enjoy the break.
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midkid, Enjoy your time away from the drama. Sounds like things are in much better shape than when you first wrote. I am so thankful that you and your brother could finally start talking, vs yelling!! You will all be in my prayers. God knows who you are, I only need to know you need prayers! God Bless!
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That's very good to read, that you had such a constructive discussion. You know, one of the worst things about the stress he's under (I'm the same) is that it'll shorten his temper and make him unreasonable (not that I'm ever anything except sweet reason itself, of course!) - you get too tired and embattled to think straight. So I'm really glad he's stopped treating you like The Enemy. And good for him that he's planning to delegate. Hope it goes on getting better.
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I'm so glad that you two got to talk and straighten out what is actually going on.!!
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Best wishes with the APS call if the next doctor's appointment does not happen, or if it does but everything is lied about. That will take some guts, but your brother's irrational neglect is beyond the pale.

I understand the other point of view that maybe she just wants left alone and she is the one who does not want care, but I see on indication that she understands there could be something wrong that could be treatable and not treating it means she could die sooner, much sooner than she has to, and she still does not want it.
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Glad to read that you're taking a break and taking yourself off the call list. Also good that you and brother could finally compare notes and realize your mom is pitting you against each other. She's quite the old gal, isn't she? Now that you and your brother know the score, hopefully you can work together to get her some better care after a diagnosis of what's going on to cause the falling.
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She cannot take care of herself and I highly recommend she be in the care of professionals who can watch her. There is a reason why she is blacking out (a lack of oxygen to the brain) and she will continue to have bruises and I suspect fractures. It is not enough to have a pendant around one's neck, if one cannot push the button. Get Adult Protective Services involved as you do not say who has POA and MPOA over her. You are dealing with an emergency and the sooner you have her evaluated in a hospital setting the better she will be. Don't you want to find out why she is fainting so much? If you do not get her help, you could be held accountable by law. You know she is in trouble and if you do nothing to aide on her behalf, well charges can be brought against you/family. So do the right thing and get her professional medical help. She does not need any antipsychotic drugs or any medication until the doctors find out her physical evaluation. Do it soon!
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Thanks to all who took the time to help me...ferris1--YES, I DO want to know what's causing mother's blackouts and falls, that's been my concern all along, not the calls I get or why nobody listens to me...in the end, tho I don't have a great relationship with mother, I don't want her to suffer! I agree, she'd be better off in assisted living, but I alone cannot make that call. My brother E has POA, R has MPOA. They do not communicate much. I also believe she will continue to fall and fall, one of the falls will land her in the hospital, or worse. I think I made it pretty clear that my sibs do NOT want me rocking the boat. MOTHER doesn't want me rocking the boat. I'm exhausted from trying to work within the system (the family) and altho I will continue to visit her from time to time and I will clean for her and run errands if needed, she really wants ME to leave her alone. IF I feel that she truly is being neglected, I will notify APS. At this point, she is lucid enough that the state is not going to intervene. She's not being abused, nor neglected, not by a long shot. She's falling down. R gave me his word he would reschedule the drs apt for this week and not let her weasel her way out of it. I have to let go of these worries b/c it's not helping and it's making me sick (literally). I appreciate your advice & concern, but I am dealing with 4 other adult children who don't see things the way I see them and think she's fine. Other than kidnapping her for a dr visit, I have my hands tied.
Honestly, in some sick, weird way, Mother seems to love the attention she's getting. She's been this way my whole life, why should she suddenly change in her dotage?
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MidKid58 -It is not "sick" to want attention. Everyone wants someone to pay attention to them, and your mother is no different. Just treat her the way you want to be treated and that is all you can do. Siblings react to terminal illnesses differently and you are just going to have to accept their feelings.
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My mother was plagued by much the same type of episodes. I finally did my own research and found out that the heart/blood pressure meds were causing it. She was taking Toprol . She was also experiencing numbness in her hands. The episodes were triggered when she had her hands in warm water (washing dishes) and when she stood for long periods (washing dishes) She was still working at the time in her hair salon, so shampooing hair and standing up styling were also triggers. I can't tell you how many times she blacked out before I discovered the culprit. Trips to the ER etc. She would go stuperous and slide down or just black out and there was not the sudden loss of consciousness. Check her meds!!!! None of her doctors seemed to have a clue. Not her PCP or her Cardio specialist. Go figgure. I took her to a new cardio specialist who put her on a lower doseage - given at night not in the AM and the problem stopped.
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Oh and my mother would lose bladder and bowel control sometimes in the episodes.
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