Mom asked me to move in to provide care 2 yrs. ago, new state. She’s 87, barely able to walk, hearing impaired, but pretty sharp. I love my mom, she’s quite a lovely person, tho she’s very materialistic and slightly narcissistic. I’m the opposite and tend to deny my needs for someone else’s benefit because I believe(d) in it. I’m the one kid who isn’t married, so I felt it was my duty to care for her.
In these two years, I have had little help from siblings (emotional support would help). I don’t know anyone here, so have no local support. I am now on Medicare but have no other medical supplements & worry about what will become of me after mom passes (not once has she mentioned my future, and that hurts me). It seems it’s all about her. That’s not the mom I knew.
I am feeling used, taken advantage of, and like I’m a servant, not a daughter. My usual optimism and loving kindness are fading, and I don’t like that. I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m afraid of my future and can see nothing to look forward to unless I take some action. I asked mom last year to pay me something. She was upset, but finally said she’d give me $500/mo. I was shocked at how little she valued my services 24/7.
I’ve read posts stating that $15-$20/hr. is fair compared to agency rates. I also read one post stating a flat rate of $75/night is charged for the entire night.
What I’m thinking is that I should get the figures & facts ready for mom, then make a case. If she won’t hear it, I may have to find a job elsewhere. She can afford it, she just doesn’t wish to part with her money.
And, for once, I need to know I tried, so I don’t regret it.
I have a background in physical medicine & rehab, have cared for others most of my adult life and have considerable knowledge to help my mother, such as, interpreting medical reports/drugs, problem-solving.
I’m handy around the house, am a good cook, making her terrific meals she enjoys and raves about, I care for the house, laundry, etc. I don’t think a random agency aide could come close to the care I provide my mom.
I’m burning out with resentments and with the unconcern for ME, too! I keep trying to manage it, but I can’t any longer. Before I make a rash decision, I would be most grateful to hear your thoughts, especially, on what rate Upper Michigan caregivers are paid, and a little cheerleading on taking charge!
I am a newby to this site, but have benefitted so very much from all of your posts. Thank you.
“Dear Mom,
I think you are delightful. I admire you very much.
You are an astute business woman.
I, however, have not managed my life as well as you have. I have to make some changes.
I have a very few good years left to prepare for my old age. I realize that I have great value as a live-in caretaker or geriatric manager. I intend to go back to school to get whatever certification I need to establish my credentials. I might just get a CNA certification and dive in to see which part of caregiving suits me best or work on my PT associates degree.
I know that I’m bondable, a good cook, medically articulate and unencumbered. All of those atributes will help me find my way.
I’ve learned there is a great need for women my age and at my skill level. I know you will be relieved that I have found a way to support myself. At least I have a plan.
I was willing to give my dear siblings a reprieve from upsetting their own retirements but see now that I don’t have that luxury since I am alone and must make my own way.
I know you may not have realized how dire my situation is. I’ve been unsuccessful in articulating this to you in the past. So I’m hoping this letter will allow you to understand my position and aid me in my resolve to shore up my finances. You have been a wonderful mom but unfortunately I am not able to retire and keep you company indefinitely.
I felt it was only fair that I let you know so that you can plan for your own future. These past two years have hopefully given you a reprieve from having to be concerned with healthcare assistance.
Thankfully you are prepared financially. I know you will support my efforts and I really appreciate that. Of course until I have to move, I’ll be happy to help you where and when I can. My focus will just have to shift to my own future.
I’m sure you’ll have no problem finding a replacement.
Love you Mom
StartaBart“
all of this input is helpful . Thank you! 00XX
It seems to be a common thread with narsasist, sorry I don't believe in slightly narsisitic , all or nothing in my personal experience.
Are you willing to stay at this point? If yes, it is time for a caregiver contract that covers everything, from what you will be doing, how you will be compensated, days and holidays off, how sick days will be handled. I would not let her give you cash, use a payroll agency so you are getting unemployment insurance and workers compensation insurance, as well as her matching your SS and Medicare. You will be an employee at this point, which is in everybody's best interest. No one is going to give you part of their inheritance as an act of goodwill for taking on this responsibility.
Caregiving is a really hard job and you need to be compensated accordingly, especially since she has the money. She would be paying someone and guaranteed that agency or individuals would not care as much as you do.
My dad pays his stepdaughter but I am expected to do more for free. Ouch! Really. Who asks a loved one to give up their financial security and do this for free. I think if you consider me a loved one you would want to do right by me. You wouldn't expect a stranger to do it for free or give a huge discount. Perception huh?
You can do this! You can get the pay you deserve.
If she doesn't want to do it, I'll hire you as a live-in housekeeper and cook, no personal care required. No personal history to guilt you with.
Maybe looking for a job and a place to live will open her eyes. You can't be used unless you allow it. It is okay to say enough is enough, you matter as much as she does. I know it is hard, but this has to be approached as business and not a personal issue. You are valuable and you are providing a valuable service.
🤗🎉🎉👍🎉🎉🤗 You can do it!
So, I might ask/tell mom that we should get started on the insurance thing and get some aides in here so I can get a break. She won’t like it. See what all of you lovely helpers are doing for me? You’re helping to unlock this paralysis that’s gotten hold of me! I am grateful for your ideas and help. XXOO