I didn't even know where to post this because there's so many sectors involved. I'll try to keep this short. I'm a 30-year-old female that grew up with a (functional) alcoholic mother. For as long as I can remember she's struggled with alcohol addiction. While she wasn't the WORST alcoholic, you can imagine what comes with that territory. For years and years, as we got older, we'd call her out and beg her to get clean or seek help. My father would ask her too, but I'm not sure the extent of the effort. He never tried to remove it from the household and he himself is an avid drinker. They're both smokers, too. There are times she's admitted she has a problem, times where she won't, and times where my father gets angry if we bring it up and says, 'saying she's an alcoholic is a bit much.' But there's no doubt.
Four years ago, I planned rehab for her. I researched facilities in their area, talked to members about their experience, worked with insurance companies to figure out the finances involved, etc. I was 26 at the time. I wanted to present her with the idea and make it as easy as possible for her to say yes. Once it was all planned out and I presented it, she said no. So that was that. I gave up on getting her help. Well, her health has declined. Back in 2015 she was hospitalized for a series of strokes where she needed some in-home care to learn how to walk again. During that time neither my mom nor dad notified the doctor of her drinking issues (they always lie to medical staff about it). Fast forward to a year ago and she started suffering from such severe 'dry eye' that she's now practically blind (at least legally speaking, can't drive). Her memory has gotten bad, as well as her ability to communicate and string together a sentence. Three weeks ago (after struggling with balance issues for 6 months) she lost her ability to walk. Can't even get herself up. A couple days later she lost most of her fine motor skills and functioning in her hands. My dad took her to the hospital (where she's been for 2 weeks) and they've run a ton of tests. Her liver is 'fine' apparently, she doesn't have WK syndrome, nothing notably wrong with her MRI's, etc. They can't find any reason to explain this sudden decline. At one point I found out from my brother (who lives near them, sister and I are out-of-state) that my parents never mentioned the alcoholism, so he finally brought it up to the nurses. The only thing they could suggest was getting her into an assisted living facility to do physical therapy and see if that helps.
My parents are not well-off and don't have a lot to their name. My dad retired less than a year ago but took on a part-time job to bring something in. They just moved her to a facility yesterday and my dad said it's NOT a good place and they're trying to find a different place, but between what has spots available and what insurance will assist with, it doesn't look great. He said he can't be her full-time caregiver at home because he's not trained to (I think a part of him also doesn't want to and I don't blame him, my mom can be miserable to be around). She's seen no improvement at all at the hospital and my parents refuse to consider that all of this is happening because her body is shutting down from the years of abuse.
To top it off, I'm 32 weeks pregnant with my first. I am stressed beyond belief about what's going on because no one KNOWS what's going on. I spent years being angry and resentful towards her for refusing to accept help and as of a few years ago, I pushed those feelings away and tried to enjoy my time with her. But now I'm angry AGAIN because if it wasn't for her poor choices and her inability to own up to the addiction and accept the help (like what I offered 4 years ago), we may not be in this situation. My dad's health isn't great either (over-weight, sleep apnea that pacemaker) and I'm terrified she'll out-live him and she'll become our problem. Where do we go from here?
Your mother may be in a similar position, unfortunately. Alcohol causes more than just liver damage or WKS after years of abuse. While her prognosis is unknown at this time, having a plan for the future is not a bad idea. Your mom may qualify for long term care with Medicaid footing the bill down the road, if she outlives dad.
For now, focus on your new baby coming soon and perhaps attend a few Al Anon meetings to help you learn how to take care of YOURSELF. And how you cannot save an alcoholic from herself or make her go to rehab. You've tried your best but she made poor decisions which now affect everyone. Try to detach, with love, realizing you can't fix this. Dad will make the care decisions for mom now and you have your immediate family to care for.
I'm sorry you're stressing out with mom right now, as you have in the past. Addiction ruins many lives, not just the person who's using. That's why Al Anon is a great resource for you....becsuse you'll get support and understanding and good advice from people goi g thru the same head games as you are.
Best of luck to you.
WE are not in this situation
THEY are
This is not your problem and NEVER will be your problem unless you make the catastrophically bad choice to make it YOUR problem. Do not waste any time or energy trying to help an alcoholic that won’t accept help.
Cut this person out if your life like you would excise a cancerous tumor.
When someone has refused help to get clean, the only option that we have left is to walk away.
I had to walk away from my brother who struggled with addiction.
The OP’s mother may not recover from the damage caused by her excessive drinking, which complicates things further.
The OP’s father is going to have to figure this out without the help of their daughter. She doesn’t need any additional stress in her life now or after the birth of her child.
You could not fix your mother’s addiction.
She did not want help .
If your mother outlives your father ( and even if she doesn’t ) Medicaid can be applied for to pay to have Mom in SNF ( skilled nursing facility ) . Medicaid is a state program , each state has their own similar setups . Your Dad would be able to stay in his home , he would not be homeless .
Don’t make this your problem . Do not take either one into your home .
Instead, you need to focus on YOU and your baby on board. And hubby! You have a lot of joy (and work!) coming your way and you need to be ready and not stressing out. You can help your parents with decision making, etc. but your focus must be on the next generation.
👏👏👏
Your first priority is to make sure that you stay safe for the remainder of your pregnancy.
Addiction is awful and it wreaks havoc in families. All of the emotions that you are experiencing are completely normal.
If you choose to attend Al-Anon meetings you can share your feelings with others who have been through challenging times with their family members.
Or, you can just sit quietly and listen to others. You won’t be pressured to speak if you don’t want to.
Let your dad figure out what is best for your mom right now. You and your husband have to prepare for the arrival of your precious baby.
Wishing you peace.
Yes to Al Anon.
Call social services for her county and talk to them about a court-assigned guardian. Allow someone else to manage her care, make her decisions and pay for it.
Stop inserting yourself. There is another solution, you and your Father just have to accept it.
May you receive clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you focus on your life and your own family going forward.
Growing up with my brother who was an addict was rough.
You described it perfectly! We become fearful of what will happen next.
I always feared the worst would happen, because I saw my brother overdose several times when I was quite young. I also saw him go through withdrawals, not pretty!
I saw him getting into trouble and ending up in juvenile detention homes. I saw him get clean and relapse over and over again.
I tried to ask questions. My parents had no idea what to say to us. They didn’t even drink and had no clue how to deal with my brother. It was hard for them too.
It was horribly confusing for me. That was the hush hush era, when addiction wasn’t spoken about.
There were no support groups either. No family counseling, everything was a ‘big secret’ back then.
There was a lot of shame attached to addiction. There shouldn’t be shame attached because addiction is a disease.
Fortunately, when I became an adult I sought out support to talk about my emotions.
I decided to walk away from the chaos.
My mother had been enabling him. I had to tell her that he was her son, not mine, and I was not going to try and help him further.
I didn’t see my brother again until he was dying in an end of life hospice facility. I took Mom to say goodbye to him.
You are correct in saying that it is heartbreaking. When my brother was clean, he was a great guy who had his own business, a wife and kids.
It’s so sad that he lost everything, including his life to his addiction.
Some people are able to stay in recovery, others try hard but obviously aren’t able to manage.
Looking back, I think my brother may have been self medicating himself, due to some kind of mental disorder.
Mental illness wasn’t addressed very well back then either.
My brother was completely delusional about his addiction. He always felt as if he was able to control it.
Your parents brought this on themselves. Dad enabled Mom. Now HE is paying the consequences. DAD is responsible for Mom. You can point him in the right direction but he needs to do the work.
You, you need to take care of yourself and that new baby who is #1 as is ur husband.
I hope against hope that you are also going to Al-Anon, because you need to fully understand that alcoholism is a disease. Moreover your mother has had strokes and those may have come for her no matter HOW much she drank. While drinking isn't good for anything in our bodies, it isn't known/shown to CAUSE stroke.
She has a lot of disability now. You say she has had MRIs. She could have some early Lewy's dementia what with the balance issues. Or she could have had too much sodium replacement on some hospitalization given that alcoholics have idiopathic low sodium at times and if families don't warn doctors of this at times sodium is replaced too quickly and in too large a dose (one for a normal non-alcoholic patient) causing damage to the myelin shealth that leaves one with what is called Central Pontine Mylinolysis (look it up)--a reaction much like MS where the myelin sheath on the nerves is lost. It could be alcoholic encephalopathy. It could be ANYTHING.
So time to let go of the anger. There is not a person on this forum I would guess whose like has not in some way been touched by alcoholism. That's how common it is. And it IS a disease. You did everything you could and didn't even do the co-dependency dance. Even in trying to get help you scoped out the possibilities, presented them and gave choice. All you could do.
Now this is for your FATHER (sorry, even at his age) to take care of this. NOT (yet) for you. And when it is for you to take care of if your father also fails, then it is as safe placement as can be done. You parents have had their lives and have made their choices. They didn't make them BECAUSE of you or WITH you or to SPITE you. They simply lived their lives and made their choices. They are where they are. You didn't cause it. You couldn't have prevented it. You cannot cure it.
What you CAN do now is take care of your marriage, your child, your health. Your parents are now at the ends of their lives. Do not waste your own life throwing your body and the bodies of your family onto their burning funeral pyres. Guide them as you once guided you mom, presenting them with choices given their assets, steering them to a good elder care attorney to do their paperwork and get things in order and get into care. Have an honest talk with them that DOESN'T include ALCOHOL or alcoholism; it is no longer relevant.
I am so sorry for what you have endured. I come down like a ton of bricks on everyone who had tried to "handle" alcoholism. It honestly isn't handle-ABLE. But I must admit I think you have done it RIGHT. You have tried to present honestly and without anger a plan that the person you love can implement, a plan you worked out as to cost, endurance, and etc. And she said no. And you accepted that. THAT'S all that can be done.
Now Mom is where she is. Understand that where she is today is not necessarily due to alcoholism, but could be due to strokes, which is something some seniors get with or without alcohol.
Now, on with YOUR OWN LIFE. Dad handles mom. When he can no longer her attends a social worker or the counsel of their MD or an elder law attorney. YOU do not still become their co. You have your own family. You let him discuss their papers, their assets, their options, their plans. You let him know you have a family and cannot be a hands on caregiver.
I sure wish you the best.
I sure admire what you've done.
I sure hope you will update us.
As Dr Laura says "Happy pushing".
My SIL is a GI doc. I asked him how much alcohol could be consumed to not cause long term damage to a person. He said "None. Zero, nobody should be drinking". I was taken aback b/c I always thought that judicious use of alcohol was not dangerous. He disagrees, and I know he sees the worst of the worse in the alcoholics he treats. He did back down a tiny bit and said "Maybe one or at the most 2 alcoholic drinks per week--maybe".
I don't drink, never have. Religious reasons, to begin with, but as I grew up, I just how stupid drinking made people look. And of course the health issues.
Your mom is an 'unrepentant alcoholic' and is not going to do one thing to stop drinking. Maybe the damage she's done to her body are not measurable on tests, but trust me, they're there.
Please take care of yourself and this new life you are growing inside of you. If you have to establish really tough boundaries with your mom to insure you don't have your child around a person who is obviously unable to care for an infant--then do it.
Get to Al-Anon for your own good. After all you have done, your parents are obviously going to do whatever they want--damn the torpedoes. That, sadly, is their choice.
It's heartbreaking to watch the downward spiral of an alcoholic. Also, to make the alcohol consumption even worse, people often smoke too. Asking my SIL about the 'best way' to live a healthy life, he ticks of the list. "Don't smoke, don't drink, stay active". Those 3 things are paramount to the basics of being healthy. SO MANY diseases, health issues are caused by drinking & smoking. I'm preaching to the choir, I know.
Take care of YOU and the baby. Try to find love for your folks, b/c this is literally a disease. Not that they can't control it, but over all these years? It's unlikely they will change.
Bless you for the tender heart that loves people who are sick.
Drinking, drugs, smoking and gambling too. We have seen a few posters talking about their parents’ gambling addictions.
All addictions wreak havoc in people’s lives.
Social drinking is not going to be destructive like an addiction.
Still, most doctors are saying that people should limit alcohol consumption to one drink or less per day for a woman. Yes, some doctors say even that is too much.