I'm so frustrated. My 95 year old mother lives with me and I get so frustrated at times. She has health issues, but has firmly declined all further testing, so there isn't much her doctor can do. It is very likely that she has dementia, but that remains undiagnosed, also. She has many complaints, but is resistive to almost every suggestion I make. We have some help and volunteers coming into our house, which is helpful. Tonight was classic. I arrived home, worn out, from dealing with all of the issues in my administrative position today. My mom, who has had sensitive skin for years, immediately told me that she was itchy from the cold and dry skin. When I suggested we try Aveeno, like she used to use, instead of Eucerin, she interrupted immediately and told me that Eucerin was best for her. Yesterday, she didn't want to use the disposable hand warmers (she is ALWAYS cold) I bought because the directions say not to use them on sensitive skin. Those are 2 very minor, small examples, but it goes on and on. I really try not to argue about things with her. It doesn't help and it makes me frustrated beyond belief. I am an only child and she is a widow. Because of previous poor choices on her part, financial options are limited at this point. I know this all sounds petty, but this happens all of the time! I know that elderly people resist giving up control, and I understand it, to some degree. Yet, I'm the one who's supposed to handle things when they go wrong. She was stubbornly independent about a health issue this summer. When it finally became a medical emergency, I was the one who re-arranged my entire professional life to accommodate. I know that no one can say anything to change my situation. I'll keep her here as long as possible, and then she'll have to go on Medicaid and go to a nursing home; the application is currently in process. When the volunteers from her church, social group, and family come in, they see a sweet, gentle elderly woman. I see the stubborn, unreasonable, resistive side that is less than charming, and draining to deal with. I know that no one can change this for me, but thank you for listening. I appreciate it!
Sometimes I think the complaints or refusal to listen or take advice is just something to do, unless it's dementia. My cousin starting getting difficult to deal with and refused to listen. It drove me away. She was too difficult and seemed to want to disagree about everything. We didn't know it at the time, but it was dementia. Eventually, she had no choice, she wasn't able to be difficult anymore because she lost her ability to function. I hope that's not the case with your mom, because they may start to do bizarre things like eat toothpaste or wander. That's a whole different situation that you can't just ignore.
For dry skin, try a body cream. Lotions have a lot of alcohol and they tend to dry the skin further. You can also get baby oil in a cream form that is quite good.
So, she passed away suddenly. Mom fell and went to the ER. We stated that she could not live alone and she went to the NH. Guess what? She is thriving. All of the complaints are gone (unless my other sister or I, show up.)
You can't please your mom, so quit trying. She needs to be with others her age.
As far as the skin problem, I have that. I get meds and cortisone from the dermatologist. But, now I am trying coconut oil. I am drinking a mouthful and spreading it on my skin. Good luck. I know what you are going through. I can't do it for one hour.
The approach I am suggesting comes from my therapist. Honor his automony. When I do this, I am calm, and things change for the better. My Dad is a very intelligent man. He won't do anything stupid. I believe in him. I hope I am making sense. I am running on fumes. He falls and goes back to sleep. I have so much andrelin pumping, I am up. Trust me; I get it.
My Mom is 97 and stubborn about trying new things, too... she wants the old tried and true, even if another product would help her, she doesn't want it. Count your blessings that you aren't sitting in waiting room after waiting room week in and week out... my Mom thrives on going to the doctor and welcomes any test they have, and will insist on certain tests that would be of no use even if the doctors found something.
Your Mom being the lady that she is isn't going to complain in front of guest, even if they are relatives. So who can she complain to? You, of course. As ba8alou above had mentioned, this is a way of initiating conversation.
I guess the point is, only interact with her when she's being nice. Don't enable the negativity.
Also like Phil's mom, my mom changes her mind constantly. This week she doesn't like cheese. Next week she loves it. It's enough by itself to drive you crazy! He's trying to use what she has said she likes, only to get shot down because she's changed her mind.
Clearly his mom isn't managing well or she wouldn't be complaining to him the minute he walks in the door. It is very frustrating and I don't have a good answer for you Phil, other than to pick your battles. Sometimes I go toe-to-toe with mom (over important things, like the meds). But if it's something small, I have to work in myself to let it go.
So Phil, vent away, I get it!