She now says stuff like "is this so hard" "I don't think you care about anything" "I'm more valuable to you dead" etc. I honestly just wanted to make sure she is getting by during what were the hardest times health wise she ever had. Now all the danger has passed and I am back to hustling $ on a contract type basis out of the area. In other words I am leaving and she can't stand the idea of getting out to get her mail herself.
She will have to deal with people in her house, she will have to do something other than veg in front of the tube. It is driving me crazy, she is resisting new aides, the old ones are no longer available.
Should I just go?
Would you?
Thank you
yes I quite agree, just telling her to suck it up would be cruel. Whether I respect her choices and decisions regarding aging in place is irrelevant to keeping her safe and cared for.
No, she cannot live here alone for a month straight.
She absolutely needs a ride for the DR, her pet for care, groceries and prescription pick up, to the bank now and then etc .
She needs the regular care of a nicely situated home aide who is willing to show up once a week for 2 hours.
She needs a person on call for occasional rides for her pet to the vet etc.
These are all skills offered by persons for remuneration quite reasonable if you just stay out of the way and let them get their 30 bucks on lol
Mom is terrible at it, cancelling appts, moving them around using excuses. Eventually she will find fault w/the aide and just quit calling them. This last4 time she lost her aides due to covid.
She doesn't want new aides reminding me anything she pays them comes out of my share of the inheritance lol
I'm happy to donate my whole inheritance if she'll just get and keep an aide
Mom is so uncooperative.
I sometimes wonder if it is her goal to wind up with no real friends and allies. She has exactly zero long term relationships she hasn't turned toxic.
I suppose some people just have a colossal blind spot.
Try to decide if she's capable based on her terms, not yours. Sometimes vegging in front of the TV is all someone has the strength to do, especially if they've just come through the hardest times health-wise in their entire life. Keep in mind that an elderly person will never bounce back to where they were before the crisis, either.
You aren't required to sacrifice your life, but to leave a vulnerable person alone and expect them to suck it up is unethical and cruel IMO.
You have a responsibility to feed yourself. To pay your bills. To save for retirement. You cannot give up those things just because your mother WANTS you to.
At the end of the day you have to decide what is best for you and your life. Someone people do not mind caretaking, while acknowledging it is hard for them, they enjoy being there. Some people do not like caretaking and you cannot force these types of people into a role they don’t want to do.
What I find with guilt is that it’s an its all internal conflict. No one can really guilt you into doing things you don’t want to do, you allow yourself to feel guilt and then do it. I shut it down at the source by providing and stating what I can do and then following it up with what I can’t do.
Some people are stubborn and I am at the point in my caretaking life where I just let them make their own decisions, whether they be good or bad.
Best of luck to you. I understand the guilt and worry is real but don’t let it run you life. Live your life for you.