I'm having a hard time with my mom in memory care. I have siblings and we are all active in caring for mom, so I'm certainly not carrying the burden of this alone.
My dad died, after which we had to promptly move mother to memory care. We felt that living alone and having a new caregiver every 8 hours around the clock wasn't much of a life, nor were we completely convinced it was safe. My dad had been capable of taking care of himself and generally overseeing the home's functioning up until the last few months when we had to add a caregiver for him. He had other help with maintenance, a chance to do his own stuff and housecleaning. Also, the burden of what couldn't be handled fell to my brother, who was local. Obviously, the lower cost of memory care was a factor.
My two main hopes for moving her were safety and more interaction with people and activities than being stuck at home with varying degrees of quality in caregiving.
I'm not convinced memory care has solved either of those issues. She's basically alone all the time now because the staff doesn't interact with her other than the minimal pill giving. The doctor there is an awful human being; my mom is in a pretty bad mood all the time-but her husband of 65 years just died, and she has moved and is all alone most of the time. I wouldn't be that sweet and happy, either. So they've medicated her up, and she's sedated all the time. But the doctor said that patients usually have a better experience if they are nicer.
For their convenience (my opinion) she spends all her day in the wheelchair because she is slow on her walker. She is not incontinent, she knows to tell people she needs to go to the restroom and then needs some assistance finding it. But if no one is around she just sits there and has to use the diaper. Then she sits even longer in the diaper.
There is so much more but would love any insight on handling this. Her memory isn't totally gone. She still knows her family and loved it so much when my sister and I spent time with her and took her for lunch. She told me she couldn't stand living there and couldn't do it forever. It's by far the best place in the area. I could move her to a more expensive place near me, but would it be any better? seems like all these places are just places to stick people and wait for them to die.
If your mom is still relatively new there, remember they're still getting to know her, so it's your job to bridge that gap. I wrote a short one-page biography on my mom and asked the staffs at both her nursing homes to read them and become familiar with her. I wrote that she'd been a teacher, an artist, and a librarian, that she had two children and four grandchildren, her likes and dislikes for food, her interests, and a little about her upbringing. I also pointed out that she was hard of hearing and had macular degeneration and couldn't make out faces, so I asked that they not approach her from the back (it startled her) and to always use their names when they spoke to her ("Hi, Jeanne, it's Maria.")
I even sent a shorter version with her to the hospital when she ended up in there for two weeks, because it was during Covid and they wouldn't let me in to advocate for her. They posted it next to her bed and everyone said it was really helpful.
You're part of your mom's caregiving team now, so work with them to make Mom's stay as good as possible. Also, tell the doctor to stop doping her up. You want a clinical justification for her meds, and being grumpy isn't a reason to drug her. She just lost her husband, for crying out loud. Drugging away emotions is no way to deal with grief. 😡
And residents who are mobile can use a walker if they're able....they're not strapped into a wheelchair where they can't move!
Very few residents minds or memories are "totally gone" in Memory Care Assisted Living. By that time, hospice is called in as their life on earth is coming to an end. Any decent MC will pair up residents who are at similar stages of dementia so they can get acquainted. Friendships as we know them do not develop among the residents bc they're no longer equipped to emotionally engage with people like we do, never mind carry on regular conversations. When short term memory deficits are at play, every day life comes to an abrupt standstill. Short term memory is what enables us to read directions, watch tv, remember how to get dressed or the steps required to shower! A person with AD or dementia will stroll outside and ask, "why am I out here?" Or wander off and get lost. Things we take for granted they struggle mightily with. We tend to downplay their struggles bc we know them to be our invincible parent.....and we even wind up in denial at times insisting they can still do this, that and the other until we're smacked in the face one day with the reality of what they've lost, cognitively. My mother seemed pretty okay until she was turning the tv volume down with the telephone. Or introducing me as her mother. While Showtiming up a storm with small talk recalled with muscle memory. She could tell you how lovely your dress was, but not what day of the week it was.
They all complain about living in Memory Care bc they "don't belong there" with the crazy people, which they are not one of. They all want to "go home" which represents a place in time more so than a brick and mortar bldg. As mom's dementia became advanced, she insisted she was living in a hotel and The Girls were packing up all her things and moving them to the new hotel nightly. Then taking her to dinner at a fancy new restaurant with entertainment. At that point, the complaints stopped entirely, which is part and parcel of how dementia progresses. Moving your mom is not a recommendation. It's a set back cognitively for them to move, plus what's going to change? Get the staff on board with your wishes at her current MC instead, that's my advice.
I suggest you read this 33 booklet which is a free download. It has THE best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.
The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
Wishing you the best of luck
Is the activity director on board with encouraging your Mom to participate?
Is the activity director open to communication about your Mom?
Is your mom on a toileting schedule ? Is the DON in good communication with you?