Mom keeps asking to go home to live instead of being at the nursing home. What do I say?

“We’ll have to see what your doctor says”.

”Plan to stay until the end of the month. Your fee has already been paid and we wouldn’t want to waste it”.

Definitely stop the home visits. Her “home” is now the residence where she’s living.

By my observation, most people entering any sort of extended care want to go “home”, but home exists only in their memories.

Much more painful at this stage for the caregiver than their LO.

I would stop taking her home. That to me seems like torture for her. She goes home then has to go back to the facility and can not understand why she can not stay in her home.
Next time you visit bring dad to visit her.
Have breakfast, brunch, or whatever meal they are having there.
Go for a walk around the grounds, play a card game just enjoy your visit. Then go.
After doing that for a while you could take her out for lunch but do not bring her home.
If you celebrate Easter this is another that you should make your visit and celebration there not at "home" The facility where she is now is her "home" and she needs to get used to that.

Don't keep taking her home. You're ripping the Band-aid off every time you do. She'll eventually see the nursing home as "home," but only if you don't keep bringing up the subject of her other home by taking her there over and over.

Can you bring Dad to see her instead and spend the day with her there? You can come and go a couple of times a day if that's not too far, too.

I wouldn't take mom home anymore for the day; it's too much for her to bear; you're better off bringing the visits to HER in the nursing home than bringing her back home. When she asks to move back home, just tell her 'if/when the doctor says you can do such a thing, then we can discuss it. But for now, you are here UNDER DOCTORS ORDERS mom." Then change the subject after you lay the decision at her doctor's feet. Truth doesn't matter with a dementia patient; nothing matters, really, except that YOU stop feeling guilty for having her cared for properly and having her safe in a good place with a private room. That's the bottom line. Dementia is the bad guy here, not you or dad or the nursing home. We ALL lose when dementia comes into the picture, that's for sure.

Use distraction techniques to change the subject with mom when she gets on the 'going home' subject; offer her a snack or bring up an old memory that is a good one for both of you. Photos are a very good distraction, so do bring them when you visit.

I know how unsettling it is to have mom asking to go home; my mom did it too, but it was impossible for her to live anywhere else but the Memory Care ALF. FWIW, the vast majority of dementia sufferers ask to 'go home' even when they live in their own home! It's indicative of wanting to go back to a place in time when they were young and healthy, more so than anything else. It tugs at our heartstrings to hear all this, though, so just keep repeating the 'doctor' blurb and leave it at that.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.

My mother would do the same. Think it's common practice for them to ask. My mother called once at midnight to beg me to get her out of there. It was a small NH and nice with nice people. (I called the nurse's station to ask how she got use of their phone AND how she got my number since it was a new one.)

Anyway, I'd always tell her that it just wasn't safe for her to be home anymore. I vaguely recall telling her once that when (or if?) her situation changed, then maybe. No reply mattered. She kept asking.

(She once "threatened" to call my brother and ask him. Okay...go ahead.)

They break your heart. Sorry yours and your mom's hearts are breaking.

You aren't felons. You aren't guilty. You are the other G-word, grieving. It is normal for her to grieve this loss. Please allow that. It is normal for YOU to grieve that you are a person with limitations, that not everything can be fixed, that you aren't god and thereby omnipotent, that you aren't a good fairy without a want. You are a human being. Tell Mom you are so sorry she can't be home, that you miss her, that you will visit with her. Don't give reasons; she can argue that. Just tell her you are sorry, but the doctor and you decided that this is where she has to be for her safety.
I know your heart is breaking. This is life, and there are times that we just cannot get around the heartbreak. I am so very sorry; my heart goes out to you. Embrace the pain, because there is nothing whatsoever you can do about it.