My mom lied to get me to move back home to help with dad who is on hospice. What do I do now?

CeeCii...thank you so much for your kind words and understanding. for the ones who assumed or judged me or thought i am a freeloader..well i had a job but i lost it after my dad was put on hospice at home because i wanted to be with my mom as much as i could because she was so nervous about keeping up with all his meds and the times and giving dad baths and just generally taking care of him.then me husband at the time told me to not work for a while so i could go to their house when they needed me.now that im seperated im back home with my parents.i do everything around the house and me and mom take care of my dad together when the nurse is not here.i am not a freeloader never have been.im not lazy.i will get a job when im able to.my mom has alot of doctor appointments because of her illness and she hasnt drove in over 10yrs as her doctor requested.so i have to drive her.what happened to this site being a place you could go for compassion understanding advice.this is not the witch hunt.if you dont have something nice or helpful to say then go troll someone elses question.

from reading the comments of previous posters, I am disgusted. I don't think anyone should speak down to another grown woman on how she needs to get a job. People only post a fraction of their lives on here, so who are you to judge or speak down on someone for not having employment?? What if the level of care she gives her parents prevents her from working outisde the home? Alot of us are in that exact situation and have to find a balance between personal finances and caregiving. Also, she just left a marriage. Im sure she was financially dependent on her husband in some ways and now has to figure her life out all over again. People on here can be very judgmental and insensitive! Someone even told you they don't see how you are stressed! People like that have no business on these support sites. Instead of offering support, they criticize and cast judgment. They are really miserable themselves and have to come here of all places to make someone feel even worse about a bad situation. Shame on the three posters that commented those nasty statements. That was not supportive or helpful advice at all. Reese, it sounds like your mom manipulated you to the fullest! Maybe there are forces in the universe that wanted you away from your husband. If that's what needed to happen so you could be on the road to you living a happier life once you have everthing in order, then you should see it as a positive event. There is always a way bigger picture. Things happen that hurt us, we might not like certain events, but we wont' fully understand until the bigger picture is revealed. Sending positivity your way!

Resee, it is healthy for you to go out with a friend for a few hours a couple times a month. Give yourself permission to enjoy these outings while you able to.

thank yall for more kind words..yea im trying to prepare myself for the day my dad passes because i know i will have to be the strong one.the one who doesnt lose it and will things done.i try so hard to be strong and i try harder to be a good person.i do go once every two weeks with my best friend.they dont give me guilt trips i just feel guilty going out. now they would give me guilt trips when i was with my husband and i had to go home..(even when my marriage was real good) me and my son go out to window shop sometimes on the weekend but not if its a bad day or i think we are really needed at home..i never thought about a journal i will do that.i think that will help too

Resee, you are most likely grieving the anticipated loss of your father along with your marriage. It's ok to feel this grief and work through it as the feelings emerge. I am sorry for the loss of your grandmother on top of all this. You can also journal your feelings as they come up to help yourself as well as coming on here.

I want to ask you, when you want to go out for a few hours once a week with a friend, do your parents say things to make you feel guilty or do you feel guilty because you think you don't deserve to go out? I think going out casually with your friend will be good for you to relax and have that break away from your responsibilities. As it becomes closer time for your father, you may not get to leave.

You have been abused by your former husband so it takes time to know your ok and a good person ,,,just take it one day at a time say something good about yourself everyday. ..I can say a good thing about you ..you are a good caring person and your heart is gold

You have been through a lot these past few months . Find a job and go out to the movies for a break and enjoy yourself ...you are a good daughter and you sound as if your nerves are frayed ..take it one day at a time all will be well ,,,hugs and prayers sweetie ...

i want to thank you all for your support and understanding and not jumping to assume that im ungrateful. I made a promise to my dad that i will take care of my mom after he is gone weather im still here or have my own place and i would do it weather he asked me or not.my mom is my best friend and we bump heads.i am sad and grieving over my marriage but its over and ive come to accept it.we have been together for 23 years but only married these 8 years. we have broken up and spilt up more times than i can count in all these years.i always thought it would get better but never did so we spilt for good.my dads social worker is an awesome woman and she will do anything for them if they ask.im gonna put my feelings to the back and just do everything i can to do whatever i can for them.i need to keep a closer eye on my dad now because he is extra sad since his mom passed away yesterday morning.thank yall again for helping me to feel better.the first few people on here made me feel so bad about myself.it felt like my husband was writing it..

It is hard work to take over a household. There are toilets and floors to clean, laundry to do, and all the other things. I never realized how hard it was to keep walk-in showers and elder bathroom furniture clean until I got here. I work at home to make a little money, but the everyday tasks can take so much of my time. The sickness and mood of the house can be the hardest. I need my muse to work easily, but she gets chased away by the mood of the house.

I wondered how serious your mother's COPD is, Resee. If she is at the point where she just needs help going to doctor appointments and shopping, there are people she can hire to do that. My mother had one woman who she paid $50-100 to take her to do these tasks before I moved in. It was expensive, but I'm glad the woman was available for her. If you're able to find a job, it is something you might want to look into. There are some agencies who provide for non-medical needs of the elderly. They're expensive, but affordable if only a little help is needed.

I do know what you mean about feeling a bit like a slave. Sometimes I feel like Cinderella now except there's no Prince Charming on the horizon. It's good that you like doing housework. I don't like it at all in this old house. It never feels clean. I miss having a newer place that cleaned up so nicely. I miss having my independence and privacy. It is hard to live with other people, particularly in their houses where they are boss.

Resee, we understand so keep coming back. It's understandable you are overwhelmed right now. (((( hugs))))

thank you JessieBelle and SharynMMarie..i needed the understanding and kind words from you two. Im trying to take on everything for them to try my best to take away as much stress and worry from them that i can. im 43 yrs old and dont really need a social life just one evening to go out with my best friend for dinner without feeling guilty for leaving them. im here for them and always have been and always will be.i just want understanding that my life is not great but im so grateful for them. that i have the right to be angry at my life but never angry with them or at them. i always feel bad about looking for a job because what if something happens and im not here or what if my mom has a doctor appointment and i cant take her..i am under alot of stress but others here made me feel bad like i should be perfect and happy.

Reesee, hang in there and vent away!

Reese I see you as being in the grieving process following a broken marriage. That is perfectly understandable but remember time is the great healer.

It is totally understandable that you parents ask about your outings , they are concerned about your welfare while you wander in this wilderness. It is a big bad world out there and they are afraid you may make some bad choices and mix with undesireable company while you are in this state of loneliness.

Yes you were in a bad marriage and needed to get out but it was a big cold world out there and you were afraid of being on your own. In a way leaving your marriage was forced on you although you knew it was the right thing to do and there is some anger mixed with the gratitude of family taking care of you.

You are being blown around in a gale right now so appreciate the people who care for you. Your parents and your son. Lean on them for a while until you can find a safe harbor. Everything they are doing is because they really care about you. Dad does not have long as you all know so of course he is anxious about your future. He is also worried about how Mom will manage when he is gone and who will look after her when he is gone. COPD is not a fun way to die anymore than is heart disease. Mom is probably doing a lot of anticipatory grieving seeing Dad decline and become less able to help himself especially with hospice in the house.
Now I think you are more than paying for the roof over your head by the tasks you take on. The work you do is easily woth at least $15 an hour and hireing someone to take on the overnight would run about $20 an hour. Mom may be short with you at times but it is not because she is angry at you but because she is getting so burned out and you are right in the line of her anger. it is about her not you.
Keep in mind that this won't go on for ever. Dad's journey is coming to an end and both you and Mom will be able to sleep without keeping one eye open for Dad. Of course you don't want to loose him but once he passes everyone will be able to catch their breath because a great weight will be lifted.

About other posters seeming to treat you unkindly. They are under at least as much stress and have no one to lean on so it is natural for their first thought if not response is "Huh she thinks she has got it bad I'd like to see her walk a mile in my shoes, I've got nothing and nobody"
Pain is hard to describe what to some is 10/10 to others it is not the worst they can imagine.
Resee you will get through this. Hospice usually has a social worker who visits the home so ask to talk to him/her. Hopefully it will be an older person with lots of real world experience.

You're not sixteen any more, no; but you are still your parents' daughter who has just got out from under a bad marriage, and I for one can't blame your parents for being extremely concerned that you don't go back to it. I expect that's why they are anxious to know where you're going and who you're seeing.

How long were you married? How many escape attempts before you finally got away? And are you getting any professional support to help you recover?

Yes, Resee, hang in there! People, give Resee a break! She came on here for support, not judgment.

Resee, you are doing the best you can from the sounds of it. This is still a new situation for you. It will get better.

Resee, your situation is a tough one, I hope I am understanding you. Your life has been turned upside down to an extent. Yes, your parents/son got you out of a bad marriage. That doesn't mean you are not overwhelmed being in your parents home while at the same time being grateful for their help. Your parents have health issues. You now are the able bodied adult in the household so much is falling on you to take care. It sounds like you are accepting these responsibilities for your parents, yet....how do you come to rediscovering who you are after a bad marriage, how to start the job search and possibly have a little social life while all this is going on. Please continue to vent, this what this site is for. In time things will become more clear.

Resee, you don't need to apologize. Some of the members responding to you were out of line. That happens sometimes when tempers get frayed. Feel free to vent away. It has only been a couple of months for you, so I know you're still adapting. I remember when I had been with my parents a couple of months I was really lost and angry. Everything I had been vanished and I was with two very ill people.

Vent away. I hope people will take a breath and listen to you.

i dont have a chip on my shoulders at all.no i dont think they are against me. no i dont think the world is against me. i come off like a bad mean angry person but im honestly not that kind of person.i never said any of yall said im a free loader but i feel like i am because im doing everything i can to get a job and sell paintings and going on food stamps to help out while im here.ive always dont for them even when they were in good health and i will keep doing it. look im sorry if i sounded bad or like a bad person.i guess my nerves are not great..im waiting on blood work for myself..trying not to let them know about that so they dont worry about me..then i found out yesteday morning my grandma(my dads mom )passed away during the night.but i am a very quiet shy silly woman who i guess need to vent or get a few things out.im sorry to have bothered yall with my typing being all over the place and hard to understand.yes after i get a job and save up i will get my own place.my son is gonna do the same.he pays my parents rent and saving for his own place.i have panic attacks and anxiety so i just needed to vent thats all..

Resee, do you think maybe you could have a chip on your shoulder, reading everything as though it is aimed against you? Maybe with your husband that was justified, but the whole world isn't against you. We aren't. I've reread all the comments and cannot see where anyone is considering you a fat free loader.

It was hard to tell what you were really asking us in your original post. Would you like to try asking again, and now that we know more about you maybe our answers can be more applicable.

Your parents are lucky to have you and your son there!

ok so everyone took my post the wrong way.im sorry if you could not understand it or follow it.i love my parents with all my heart and will have and always do anything for them.As far as my son goes..yes he works 50-60 hrs 6 days a week. yes he will move out later once he saves up to do so.He run errans when he can. He does anything any of us ask him to do.I am not angry. The lie i was talking about was that she said her and my dad said they would disown me if i didnt move back and my dad told me the other day when i mentioned it that he had no idea what i was talking about because he never said that or even thought that.I do alot for them because i love them and love doing for them.see you all are assuming that i blame them for being sick and him dying or that im lazy.i have been cooking cleaning washing clothes since i was 10yrs old.i like doing those things. yes i lost my job and i have been putting in applications and going on interviews every chance i get.yall make me feel very bad like a fat free loader.ive never been that and im not that now.inbetween putting in job applications and interview im painting homemade signs so i can make a few dollar because i dont want them to give me any money.i love my parents alot more than yall give me credit for.im overwhelmed too but i guess it doesnt matter since yall think im some angry lazy ungrateful daughter.i take care of them to the best of my ability because they were and still are there for me.

Resee. I understand where you are coming from. My marriage broke down before I came to live with my parents when I was 57. My mother had been trying to get me to come home to help them for a few years before that time. When I left the hubby, I left everything I had ever bought. I was feeling pretty bad about everything. The only sympathy I got was hearing my mother said that god had broken up my marriage so I could come home and take care of them. A widow gets pity, but a divorcee gets none. I know how disoriented your feeling, but also know the understanding of how you feel will probably never come.

It has only been a couple of months now. I hope that you get re-oriented soon and can find a job that you like. When it is time you can move out and start your life over. Did you get a fair settlement when you left your husband or did he end up with all of the money? If you have money, then hold onto it the best you can. It will help you get back on your feet. You'll still be able to help your mother, but you don't have to live with her. That may make it better for you.

Good luck. A lot of us understand what you're going through. I hope it gets better soon.

I think the lie comes in where she is "expected" to do certain things. Maybe she feels the reason wasn't her marriage but they wanted someone to do all the work. My girls and 23yr old Gson have to remind me now and then that they r adults. I remember when my Mom would do the same thing to me and I was married, working and had a job.
You need to find a job. Doesn't have to pay much, just mad money now. If in her sixties, Mom should still be able to do something even with COPD.  Dad should have aides under hospice. Split up the chores.  If you cook then Mom cleans up, and visa versa. Housekeeping can be done as you go.  Swifter products are great for dusting.  Now for going out.  What do you do while aide is there.  You could use that time to something for yourself.  I can see no problem in telling your parents that you are going such and such a place and you will be back about... Its called respect.  But you do need to find your own life.  A lot is going on right now but I would at least file for a separation saying you r not responsible for any debts ur husband incurs from _____ date on.  You are entitled to half of the assets.

Make time for yourself if it means going off to ur bedroom for a few hours.  Make boundries.  Set up a day to do Moms errands.  I bought Mom a whiteboard so she could write down things as she thought about it.  Dr. Visits can be made for when ur available. I did things at my convienance.  Explain to Mom you appreciate what she did for you but you need to find your way.  The longer you wait the more you will be in the same situation you were with your husband.  It gets harder as you get older.

What was the lie? Did Mom not send a u-haul?

Your son is an adult. Is he working? Is he planning to move out on his own when he can afford it? Does he help with the household chores? Does he pay any rent? Does he run some of the errands? What is his role here?

You are under stress, your father is dying, your mother is overwhelmed. I'll bet you can cut the tension there with a butter knife. Please, lighten up. Your father can't stop the dying process, your mother may be erratic in her ability to be calm. You need to be the responsible adult here.

Is that fair? Life isn't fair. It certainly isn't fair that your father is dying at age 64. But realize it is life (or destiny or fate, etc.) that is unfair -- don't blame your parents.

Doing household chores is helping your mother care for your dad. If a friend stopped in to help for a few hours while my husband was on hospice I would say, "Could you please do this load of laundry? And while they are washing I have a short list of things I need from Target." Sometimes friends helped by bringing a meal. Helping is anything that takes a load off your mother. What did you expect your contribution to be when you moved in?

When a spouse is disabled, the caregiver has to keep up with all the things they used to, plus all the things the spouse used to do, plus all the extra things to care for the spouse. All this while dealing with emotional distress. You mother is overwhelmed! If she doesn't always seem appreciative of what you do or recognize your stress level, give her a break.

It is only polite to tell someone when you leave and approximately when you'll be home. You don't have to tell what you will be doing or who you are with and you certainly don't have to follow a curfew! "I'm leaving now. I probably will be out quite late." If mother says "Be home by midnight," laugh and say, "I'm not 16 anymore, Mom. I don't think I'll be home by midnight unless I'm having a lousy time." But say this with a laugh and a smile, not in anger. If conflict over you going out continues to be an issue, it would be a good subject for a family meeting (when everyone is feeling calm.) You have to be the adult here. Screaming isn't usually helpful.

Of course you are under stress! You've just split from your husband, you are unemployed, and your father is dying! And if you father wasn't dying I'll bet both parents would be comforting you, encouraging you, and recognizing your contribution. But both of them are preoccupied now. (I know it is not fair.)

To get some recognition and empathy, I urge you to find a support group for caregivers of people on hospice, or caregivers of people with heart problems. They'll understand.

And also continue to post on here. We understand, too.

Resee--

I had a hard time reading your post--perhaps you typed it in anger or haste,, but I couldn't really follow the thought process.

Your parents rescued you from a very bad marriage and helped you out. That was amazing. And brave, by the sound of it.

As far as your "stress"....I don't see it. You agreed to help care for dad--that is no picnic, as anyone here will attest to. You talk a bit about screaming and having fights with your parents...this has to be hard on them, too, obviously they had cause to worry over you in that bad marriage--and they bailed you out. You're bringing a lot of that stress with you from the marriage--perhaps a counselor or goods friend could help you.

No one is stopping you from getting a job. Right? I'm sorry you lost the one you had, but there's plenty more out there.

Your parents asking for your whereabouts and time of return is likely just your parents being parents--and also, when you live under someone's roof, no matter your age, you owe them the respect of letting them know your plans. Perhaps they are afraid you will get back with the old hubby?

I'm sorry, too much to read and too hard to interpret it. You do need to take some breaks from caring for dad, and you do need to sit down with your parents and set up rules and boundaries. If you are living there free....be sensitive to the fact you are costing them something to be there. Even if you're helping with dad, you're being housed and fed, and you do use utilities. Perhaps to them it seems like a "break even" type deal and you feel underappreciated. If your dad is on Hospice, then he is very sick, and bringing a negative energy to the house isn't helping.

I hope you can find someone to help you find some balance and calm in this storm.

I don't see where the lie is? Your mom and son wanted to get you out of a bad situation. They did that. You agreed to come help with your dad. You are doing that. Mom said you can live with her. You are doing that.

A part of living with others, family or not, is pulling your own weight. Everyone has to work together, cooking, cleaning, etc. If you are not contributing financially, you should carry a bit more of the work load.

 I used to tell my teenage children that telling us where they were going and when they would be back was simply respectful of those you live with. As parents, we never went out without telling them where we were going and when we would be back. This is just being respectful of those we live with. I agree your parents shouldn't grill you about it, but I also think you should let them know your general plan. How would you feel if your mom left one evening at 8:00, didn't tell you where she was going or when she would be back... Midnight comes, still no mom....just think about it ;-)