My 72 year old mom has suffered with bipolar her whole life and started having some memory issues a few years ago but was living by herself with a caregiver until she broke her hip this last August. After that she developed delerium which lead to what the doctors says is dementia/Alzheimers, not sure of the difference. She is on Medicaid so it was really hard to find a place that had an opening for her and my sister and I were unsure of exactly where to place her. Some doctors said a skilled nursing home and others said a memory care home. She was living with me the youngest daughter for a couple weeks but it was way to hard for me to take care ofher. She has some memory deficit but is still "with it". Well my sister found an Alzheimers facility after the doctors at the hospital after her hip said that was what she had. They changed her meds and added Haldol to the other two mood stabilizers. To me it cured the delirium but it has made her seem more out of it and slower. My older sister says it is fine and we shouldn't rock the boat by changing meds. She found an Alzheimers Memory Care home near her and they accepted her as a resident. The home is divided into 3 "neighborhoods" and they each have one roommate. I have visiited and am bothered because although my mom has some memory issues she is the most high functioning one there and I see her becoming lonely because most of the other residents are worse off than her. I feel really guilty about it but my older sister says she is just fine and safe. The place doesn't seem bad it's just I am worried she will get worse by not having alot of stimulating conversations except with the staff. They do have activities and my sister takes her to lunch once a week as she lives only ten minutes away. I am now two hours away but for the last year and 1/2 she lived by me and I was the caregiver. I guess my question is am I worrying too much about it all? My mom has always had depression and bipolar and has tried to commit suicide 4 times , two times in the last two years. But now the memory problem seems to have taken over the bipolar symptoms. It was always hard to try to find a place for her because before none of the facilities wantd to accept her because of the mental illness so now my sister says our prayers were answered wtih the memory care accepting her? I am not as convinced as she is. She has also become very incontinent since being in the facility.
Here's what gets lost in translation: a significant potrion of the "downhill" slide is actually a zig-zag. As we (adult children) witness this, we are conflicted. And frazzled. And sometimes doubt ourselves. Or we have a Greek chorus of family and friends supplying the doubt.
So when Mom has a good day or a good hour or is showtiming her azz off, we tend to latch onto that behavior as "the norm." Sadly, it isn't.
It's wiser to make your assessments and decisions based on the bad days. And the sh*t you don't see but see the aftermath of. Unfortunately, it's heartbreaking. And strips away the cushion of denial.
I lost my mom a year ago. With the buffer of time, I've been revisiting my old perceptions. So much of the nonsense that I attributed to Mom "just" getting weirder and more intractable (lifelong traits) with age.....were manifestations of dementia.
In hindsight, I see how poorly-served Mom was by her precious (and so-called) independence.
I hope your mom adjusts to her new environment. We do know that stimulation is important.
I went through this also. Unfortunately there is no perfect scenario. The place I picked was the best I could find with the finances I had to work with. When admitted, mom was higher functioning than most. When she lived with me and attended a day facility - she had friends or associates in that familiar environment. That changed when I moved her to assisted living. Mom would socialize with the staff more than the residents.
I asked if she could do activities with the more higher functioning people. Sometimes she goes over to the assisted living side and participates in activities. Maybe you can request something similar. Express your concerns.
Five months later, mom's dementia and health are worsening. They have had quite a change in residents and there are more higher functioning people; but my mom tends to stay in her room since she is not feeling well.
Unfortunately we do the best we can with the resources we
have to work with. I think due to her history of mental illness, you did the right thing. It is never easy.
Even Dad's private part-time caregivers were telling me he was having memory issues. No, that can't be right because when I visit him he is fine.... well, I guess Dad was "showboating" and I didn't realize it. Everyone was right !!
Dad didn't mind moving to much smaller quarters, and he still had his wits about him to learn his way around that floor. He knew right where the dining room was. And his tablemates were 2 other gentlemen. It was the right move.
She seemed much "better" than all the other residents.
Well, she already has progressed deeper into dementia and osteoporosis.
I'm so glad mommy enjoyed her time at memory care because after this last hospitalization, she will be needing skilled nursing. She loved the activities, her sweet caregivers, new friends, and the delicious food.
I know your case is different but maybe appeal to your moms ego a little by taking the queen bee approach. Who knows.....
I would consider what your other options are if you attempt to place her somewhere for a higher functioning resident. How has it worked before? Granted, if she is too much for a family member to manage, it might be similarly challenging for a regular AL. Keep in mind that there may be moments that someone is "with it," but there may be many moments after that in which the person is agitated, confused, deluded, confused or manic.
Residents in a special care unit may fluctuate. Since my cousin first entered one, I have observed residents from very high functioning to very low. They all eventually progress. Quite a few of them have passed away that live in her unit. She has also declined in her abilities.
If you continue to feel conflicted, I'd arrange to meet with the special unit director and ask questions that might help you work through this.
It sounds like a good thing that there are three levels of care in your mom's facility as my mom's memory care facility mixes everyone together which can be difficult when behavior issues arise
My mom is over 93 and is one of the more conversant ones but no one there really has any friends - she hangs out with the nurse in the evening and I have a private caregiver with her 4 hours a day to give her one on one attention
The caregiving staff is usually overworked and when they do take a break they stay among themselves and don't interact with the residents
If you're mom can engage then hopefully she can enjoy an outing or help set tables for dinner or arrange flowers
Sadly there is no expert memory care - they largely leave them alone and medicate to control behavior- haldol was like an elephant tranquilizer on my mom and we're using another med to calm her down without overly sedating her
Care homes by their very nature are significantly different from familial homes so first off you will notice that. However as her dementia progresses she will not have to bear the challenges that come from being moved out of familiar surroundings so think your timing is probably spot on.
She would have become incontinent anyway my angel - for that can be (but isn't always for everyone) part of the process.
Dementia and particularly Alzheimers progresses at different rates for everyone - there is no EXACT pattern or order although there are similarities. So if you think of a list of perhaps 40 symptoms in each of the stages then your Mum might only have 5 from one stage but she might have 15 from another. People will tell you this will happen next - there is no 'this WILL happen next' - it MIGHT happen - it might not. Dementia is so complex and so 'unknown' in terms of prognosis that there is no defined route - the only thing you can be sure of is that there is A route.
If you have concerns, quietly monitor and jot down your concerns to talk over with your sister and perhaps with the care home. I suspect (and hope) that, long term, you will realise she is in the best place. xx
Can you call her frequently, since you're too far away to visit? Are there any other friends or relatives who can visit her? You can send her cards and letters. Would she be a candidate for something like an iPad, to keep her "plugged in" to the world for as long as possible? Or a handheld game device or radio?