I was wondering what to do with a Father who is mentally ill but my mom has alzheimers and needs my help. I have been going over to my parents house for the past 6 months to help out my dad with mom who has alzheimers. My dad is just a hateful narcissitic crabby ill tempered old man. He has been like that his entire life. My bothers and sister have nothing to do with them anymore... all because of my dad. My mom is very sweet and I believe she has gotten better since I have been going over to their house to help... My father appreciates what I do... he tells me thanks sometimes when I leave... but I can't deal with his behavior towards me. I try to carry on a conversation with him... but with his mental issues... half the time he ends up yelling and cussing at me... for things like asking a question????? He has a horrible temper and needs help himself... my mom put up with his temper her whole life... she's an angel... I believe no one else would have... but anyway... he thinks he can treat me anyway he pleases... just because I am his daughter. He got mad at me last week because I literally just asked him a question he thought I should know the answer to... He was yelling and beligerant with me... just crazy stuff... so anyway I told him I was leaving and wouldn't come back. Now I don't know what to do......whether he's belittling me... telling me I don't know how to do anything right... whatever the reason... I can't deal with him anymore... I am feeling depressed and down a lot... just like I did growing up and having him as a father. ..it's like I am back in that time in my life again... that age again... and I hate it... I left home at 18 to get away from him... but I want to help my mother... I miss helping her... but I will not let my father destroy my happiness either. Any help or suggestions would be appreciated... thanks.
My brother called him at my request. My brother read him the riot act. Told him..you both with be in separate nursing home if you don't knock off the sh*t. Told him..you depend on your daughter..you better act like it or you will be forced by social services to leave your home!
It worked. I noticed right away...no more trash talk. He would still grumble to himself. He would still say sh*t with a "stage whisper". But, the crap stopped. He was never pleasant to be around, but leave Mom without care was not an option. My brother was never going to come and help...but he made that call.
Maybe you could take your mom out for meals or fun, drop off books, groceries, supplies and clean laundry, hire house cleaners or take her to your home for a few days at a time.
My dad was a sociopath and a nasty piece of work and as he aged got worse and worse. Luckily he and my mother split when I was 16. I tried to have a relationship with him after that but we were mostly estranged until he died at 86.
My mother has narcissistic personality disorder. She's much more personable than my dad but she was jealous of me and scapegoated me all of my life until I also became estranged from her for about 15 years. I recently moved back to her city a few months ago because I missed having a mom and knew she probably doesn't have much longer.
I learned a lot about her personality disorder while I was gone and now when she lies or manipulates I call her on it and tell her that it's wrong and that I won't put up with it. That helps a lot--it's like shining a flashlight on something she thought she'd hidden.
You might try calling your dad on his meanness and point out that it hurts your mom by causing you not to come around. These mean people seem to live forever...
If you think you can, you can listen to him with half an ear and still continue to see your mother. You'll have to find something that works for you. It could be that he is feeling a lot of angst, worrying about your mother. That added onto the original personality and the crankiness of age is making him unreasonable to be around. Maybe saying something like "Will you quit being so mad all the time" would work (but may make it worse). You know him well, so you might be able to figure out a way to calm him down long enough to visit. Good luck! I do empathize with what you're going through. Parents are always right even we're they're not.
Sorry to hear what you have been going through. It is tough. And you have to protect yourself as well. Because you miss your mom, do you think there is any chance she would consider moving out? It can't be easy on her not to see you anymore. Or maybe just take your mom out of the house, so you can have a girls day without your dad.
I hope I'm saying this right, but it's almost certain she's not getting adequate care so you may need to get moving with her doctor to evaluate the next proper move for her. Good luck, I know it's so hard to feel how you felt back then... remind yourself that it's a completely different time and place, and you can do more for yourself now to keep him from even reaching you emotionally. You're like Hebrew National hot dogs, and you answer to an even higher authority! I try to see how amusing it is that my mother thinks hers is the final word on whether I'm a good person, am acceptable, etc. I answer to me and my maker, not her. Hugs.
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