My mother tells people I "put her there to die." She's on medication for anxiety, and depression. She wants to live with me, but her (as well as my dad's) nasty comments, criticisms and bad behavior over the years has made me reconsider ever moving them in my house. The facility she is in is nice, they have activities, she does participate. She has a few friends there (some she has known for years), yet she still will not adjust, constantly complains and wants to move. I've taken her to several other facilities to tour...she doesn't like any of them. She's talked to her doctor. The doctor told her she is in the best place. I've explained to her that it is not possible for her to live with me... I have 2 young children, a husband, a job. I'm an only child and no other living relatives to help.
I've done everything to help her adjust. She's with her husband of 50+ years, has a pet, her personal items, I take her shopping once a week (she refuses to use the facility's transportation). Yet she still says I've put her there to die. I've been patient with her, tried to be understanding, but I don't get why she can't get use to where she is living. Part of me thinks she trying to "guilt" me into moving her in with me. But maybe it's something else wrong with her.
Pretty big age spread between mom and dad so imagine she is longing for how their life used to be and she is avoiding or not wanting to face how things are now and what the future holds.
Do as you are doing but don't feel guilty or assume responsibility for moms happiness. Life changes and she will have to learn to accept what is.
Unfortunately, deal with a narcissistic mother is difficult in the best of situations. From my experience, it would not matter where you put your mom, even if she lived with you, she would not be happy. If your mother is like mine, she will never admit (to you) that you have done a good job or made the right choice. If you're lucky, you will hear it second hand from someone else.
I had a very short time to find her an assisted living facility and I feel I did a good job. The facility is only a few years old, 24 hour nursing staff, aids to help with whatever she needs, activities, transportation, they manage her meds, she has her cat, also transported here from AZ. (You have not traveled until you've flown across the country with a disoriented mother in a wheel chair that just got out of the hospital (she broke her hip within weeks of my dad's death), two carry on bags, a walker which you need to carry, and a cat...).
Anyway, she will not participate in anything the facility offers. I've come to the conclusion that the movie theaters, libraries, billiard rooms, book clubs, happy hours, etc. are all set up to impress us - the adult children. None of the residents seem to use them. My mother has done nothing but complained for two years. She is narcissistic - self centered and mean spirited.
After being in the hospital twice in six weeks (ER 3 times), she is now in a very nice rehab center down the street from me. Her cat is with me, my husband, two daughters ages 11 and 13 and my two cats. Still all my mother does is complain.
She threw me out of her room at the rehab center on Monday because I was so frustrated that she will not do the physical therapy. She lies to me, the nurses, doctors and therapists. She tells everyone that I treat her badly and don't care about her. She also blames me for "bringing her here to rot" and "selling her house"...Today I took her clean laundry to her and a card. She was asleep so I left the card on her tray and the clothes on top of the dresser. She called this evening to cuss me out again and to basically complain that I left the clothes on the dresser rather than taking care of them. She said she has every right to act like she does because her husband died and I "made" her come live here...and now she even has to take care of the clothes I washed!
Walk away? Oh, I'd love to walk away, but reality is, I'm the only one she has left. I'm not going back to the rehab center and I'm not going to see her until she at least calms down, but walking away from an elderly, sick parent isn't something that is easy to do. And it's also not something that one can "suck up" like some people, including therapists think I should do.
I know I've done the right thing by taking care of her. I know that where she is now and where she lives is safe. I don't have to be there all the time and she just may have to learn to take the facilities transportation because I'm past doing anything beyond what is necessary - including her laundry.
Sorry that was so long, but be happy I didn't say everything I wanted. LOL
If someone is going to be mean to me I rather they do it from anywhere other than my own home.
You have done well by her. Relax.